-= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-
-Hello? -Sonny, it's your dad. You asleep?
No. Hey, man. l was exercising.
-Bullshit. You were sleeping. -I wasn't.
This kid won't stop lying to me. You still act like you're 6.
Yeah, okay, Dad. l act like l'm 6.
Found ajob yet where you work more than one day a week?
l've been looking.
Looking won'tpay the rent.
All the money l won from the cab accident...
...is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax.
-Don't blow it on worthless crap. -l won't.
You should spend it on yourbar exam.
You're the lawyer. l ain't taking a bar exam.
l got too much othershit going on.
l don't know what happened to you.
How're things going with yourgirlfriend, Vanessa?
Things are going fine.
Shit!
I gotta go.
Shit! You turned off the aIarm cIock again.
No! I mean, yes, I did, but I thought you needed more sIeep.
I shouIdn't have stayed here. That was a jerk thing to do.
Why are you going to work? It's Sunday.
I'm not going to work. I'm going to brunch with potentiaI cIients.
That's how a party pIanner gets business, by making contacts.
Meet with me. I'II order in from Cozy's. We'II have fun.
I am sick of Cozy's. You order in from there aII the time.
The deIivery guy's your best friend.
He happens to be pretty damn nice.
This is a rough patch in my Iife.
Syracuse is 0 and 3. And I got those medicaI probIems.
MedicaI probIems?
A cab runs over your foot two years ago. You're hospitaIized one night.
First of aII, that cab was huge.
And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth $200,000.
-So there you go. -Whatever.
Why are you being so nuts to me IateIy?
You refuse to move on to the next phase.
I'd Iike to have a famiIy someday.
I need someone I can reIy on, not a pIaymate.
You need a father figure? ''Stop puIIing your sister's hair!''
You know what? I'm gonna go to Syracuse to see my mom.
-I'II be back on Wednesday. -What are you taIking about?
I had caII for deIivery, but it was crank caII. You want chocoIate cake?
Come back Iater. I'II Indian wrestIe you.
You're going down, sucker.
We'II see about that.
Okay. Peace, out.
You're going to Syracuse?
I need time to think and so do you.
Think about what?
Your Iife and why I shouId be a part of it.
AII right.
WhiIe you're at it, think about getting a reaI job.
I got a reaI job!
Patrick Ewing, nice shot.
-Hey, Sonny. -What's up, buddy boy?
I'm out the door. Hey, paI.
-Where you going? -Manhattan.
You wanna take me with you?
AII right, I guess.
HoId on to your money. Later on.
Okay, take care, Sonny.
See you.
CadiIIac, I Iove it.
Surprise!
Just ignore him.
It's onIy Sonny. It's onIy Sonny.
Yeah, it's onIy me. It's onIy me.
-What's going on? -Corinne's going-away party for Kevin.
She didn't teII me. The roommate has a right to know.
She knew you'd ruin the surprise.
No, I wouIdn't.
Hey, surprise.
Surprise.
What's going on?
We wasted the good surprise on you.
AII right.
Is this your handiwork?
I guess.
See you in three hours.
Good to see you stiffs. What've you been doing?
Last three weeks have been crazy. I've been in Denver, DaIIas--
I'm sIeeping in the office. We're going to triaI on the fraud case.
Honey, it was a great surprise. I was totaIIy shocked.
No, you weren't! And I worked so hard on this.
Need some heIp?
-Honey, your sister's here. -Hey, sweetie.
I hate Sonny.
My cIient's out $7 miIIion. AII we can sue on is breach of contract.
Maybe you can sue under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.
I gotta get back to the office. You're the king.
Mikey, a pIeasure.
-I'II see you at home. -AII right.
I'II waIk you out.
I gotta admit, I'm stiII weirded out when they kiss.
Why? They're gay. That's what gay guys do.
I know, but they were Iike brothers to us back in schooI.
They're stiII Iike our brothers. Our very, very gay brothers.
What are you doing after this? Going to a KIan meeting?
Remember when Dad had that barbecue for his friends and it rained...
...so he and Mom went into the kitchen and made...
...1 00 hamburgers with one frying pan?
You're not gonna Iet a IittIe rain stop you from making 1 00 hamburgers.
That reIationship's Iasted Ionger than I thought it wouId.
Look at his eyes. He's bored. I give it two more weeks.
Hey, excuse me. Everybody!
I'm sorry. I wanted to thank you for coming tonight.
I guess I shouId say--
I'm getting it.
Tomorrow I'm Ieaving for China to represent the firm of Morton and MandeI.
Me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet.
Prove it!
Just kidding.
But I am reaI gIad you're aII here tonight, because...
...I'm gonna do what I never thought I'd have the guts to do.
You're not proposing, are you?
Yeah, paI, I am.
WeII, think about it, you know?
God, Sonny, shut up!
Anyway, wiII you?
Yeah.
Good caII on the two weeks.
Sonny, what was that aII about?
CongratuIations. You and Big Boobs McGee are gonna be happy.
Don't caII her that.
You wanna teII your chiIdren you met their mother as a waitress at Hooters?
Sonny, that was five years ago. She's a doctor now...
...and my fiancée, so from now on...
...Dr. Big Boobs McGee.
-CongratuIations. -Thanks, man.
I just...
...got shit going on.
What's the matter?
Vanessa's gonna break up with me...
...and I don't know how to make her wanna stay.
She's getting oIder. She wants different things.
Career, stabIe reIationship, a famiIy.
That's how they get.
I want things to go back to the way they used to be.
When we were at Syracuse, and Vanessa worshiped you.
-That was nice. -Nobody hassIed you to get a job.
Tommy and PhiI showered separateIy.
Those were the days.
-What're you doing? -If I make this...
...Vanessa wiII reaIize she Iikes me the way I am.
You're going to the putt.
Remember, the roof breaks to the right.
Yes! That's what I'm taIk--
Good God!
That can't be good.
Where's Kevin?
He aIready Ieft. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you.
-Why are you here? -I'm cIeaning because you're useIess.
Then what, you gonna go to your Hooters reunion?
You guys taIk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?
At Ieast I can fit my ass in my shorts, fatty.
Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
-I don't know. -I'm eating it then.
''We wasted the good surprise on you.''
Lady gave me $5 to bring him here.
-What do you mean? -Later.
Are you seIIing raffIe tickets?
Oh, boy.
-Kevin Gerrity. -l got something to tell you.
What's up?
There's a kid here.
What kind of kid?
If this note is true, it's your kid.
What do you mean?
I'm having a tough time reading this...
...but it says, ''Dear Kevin: This is JuIian, your son.
I hope you understand why I didn't teII you untiI now...
...but he needs yourhelp. l can't be his motheranymore.''
-This is ridicuIous. -Hang on.
Who's this?
This is my friend.
-Is that Kevin on the phone? -No, it's my UncIe Remus.
What's your name?
Is he aII right?
He doesn't Iike you. Leave us aIone.
You're such a dick.
That was your girIfriend. She was acting ''Hooterific.''
Who sent that note?
''Jan.''
Jan.... I don't know any Jan.
-Where's he from? -Where are you from?
BuffaIo.
I've never even been to BuffaIo.
Maybe it's a mistake.
Is this Iike the time you said my parents were dead?
I swear, he's right here.
I'm coming home. I don't know what I'II say--
Hang on. It says...
...''If you won't take responsibiIity for him, they found a foster famiIy--''
Yes, UncIe Remus, I know the catfish are huge.
That's terrific.
Here's a number for a guy...
...at City Social Service. ArthurBrooks. l'll call.
-l'll come home. -I'II take care of it.
Are you sure?
Yeah, don't worry.
Hooters. Hooters. Hooters!
-AII right. Thanks a Iot. -Later.
I'm gonna make another phone caII.
You want to come and sit down, paI?
Or you can stand there. Anything you want. I'II be a minute.
Social Services is closed today, Columbus Day.
We'll be open tomorrow at 8 a.m.
CoIumbus Day.
Boy, I don't know what to teII you.
Everything's gonna get figured out tomorrow.
Can you be a tough IittIe guy untiI then?
Great.
Do I need to get you a bottIe of formuIa or something?
What do you eat?
Food.
Yeah? I eat food too.
What--? Come on.
You need me to hoId your hand?
On Mondays, I go to CentraI Park and watch roIIerbIaders faII down.
-You into that? -I don't know.
Watch. This guy's humming.
He's going down, he's going down, he's going--!
How oId are you, anyways?
Five.
You wear a diaper?
You wipe your own ass then?
You do? Good job. That's cooI.
Come on, faII down. FaII down. Yes! Come on, damn it.
You suck. You suck!
Check this out.
My God!
There's a stick there. Somebody shouId move it.
All right now, what way would you put that on?
This CoIumbo, he pretends to be stupid...
...but he's reaIIy smart as a tack.
Oh, yeah, he is.
You put the vane on down there. Then this boat comes up.
I wipe my own ass.
Me too.
So, Mr. Ass Wiper, what's this guy's name?
Scuba Steve.
Does he ever take his fIippers off?
What if he goes bowIing?
They don't make him wear bowIing shoes? He wears fIippers?
ReaIIy?
I had a doII Iike that at one time.
But my cat, he bite his head off.
What cat wouId do that?
You caIIing me a Iiar?
Hey, take it easy.
Anyways...
...Jets are pIaying tonight.
We're gonna go to the BIarney Stone. Wanna come?
I've got more deIiveries.
Maybe you can aIso finish the turkey on your Iip.
Right there.
Let's crank up the Styx.
No music during the game.
-It's haIftime. ReIax, Mr. HerIihy. -Goddamn Jets.
What are you doing in here, cutie?
Watching footbaII.
-Who do you want to win? -The goddamn Jets.
Have fun.
Too bad you don't Iike girIs. I think you couId've had her.
-I'm thirsty. -You're thirsty?
Are you aIIowed soda?
I don't know.
My mom aIways said soda rots your teeth...
...but you'II Iose them anyway, so rot on.
-Can we get two root beers? -Sure.
When I graduated Iaw schooI, we met here every Monday to watch footbaII.
Who wouId meet you?
My friends, Vanessa.
Vanessa aIways rooted against the team I wanted to win just to bust my chops.
But everybody's so busy with their crap IateIy, no one comes.
Like I'm not busy?
Shut up or I'II smack you through the waII Iike Iast Monday.
Last Monday was a fIuke. Bring it on, woman.
Anytime.
He drinks a Iot of soda.
I'm teIIing you, buddy. Vanessa, she's the one. I can't Iose her.
I'm not getting any handsomer.
Every day I get a IittIe bit oIder and baIder and fatter.
Fatter?
At your age I couId eat anything. WouIdn't gain an ounce.
Now, I have a chocoIate shake, my ass jiggIes for a week.
-Enjoy the metaboIism whiIe you got it. -MetaIobism?
Good God, it's 2:30 in the morning. You must be wrecked.
Anyways, I had fun today. Did you have fun?
Yeah, you're aII right.
Have a good one.
CouId I have a night-Iight?
Night-Iight? I think I can heIp you out. Hang on.
Let's see here.
There you go, aII right?
Are you my dad?
No, I'm not, but...
...that Dad and Mom thing we'II figure out in the morning.
You just go to sIeep.
-Good night. -Good night.
Go get the can, okay?
Go! Go! Go!
I'm thinking about keeping the kid.
Remember when we went to the pet store...
...and you wanted that puppy, but I reminded you about feeding it...
...cIeaning it and toiIet training it?
This is kind of Iike that, except with a human.
I mean, I'm gIad you had fun and aII, but this is big.
I gotta do something big. I think Vanessa wiII respect that.
You think that since women get pregnant to fix a troubIed reIationship...
...why can't a guy adopt a kid to do the same?
I didn't think of it Iike that. But yes, that's what I'm thinking.
Sounds nuts to me, paI. Do yourseIf a favor. SIeep on it.
You're right. Can I use your phone?
Arthur Brooks speaking.
How you doing? Kevin Gerrity.
Right on, Mr. Gerrity.
We were expecting you.
Do you stiII got a foster famiIy Iined up for JuIian?
Yes, we do.
I've decided to take care of the IittIe guy.
Way to sIeep on it, paI.
You two want to get married, I support that.
When parents take the responsibiIity, there's no bigger high for us.
l'm psyched about it too.
So that's it.
Yep. Good Iuck to you and your son.
My son.
Goddamn stick!
That's my boy.
Go back to sIeep.
WeII, I'm going back to sIeep. Nighty-night.
I wet my bed.
Oh, God.
That's a shitIoad of piss.
There you go, aII right?
No more wet mess.
SIeep, aII right? Just try to sIeep. Stay asIeep.
Sit stiII!
Lay!
AII right! I'm up!
It smeIIs Iike urine in this joint. Good job.
What're you doing there, boy?
Making cereaI.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you pour me a bowI?
Or don't pour me a bowI. Either way.
I got it. I got it.
We can fix this.
It's not a big deaI.
Look. See?
See how quick it goes away?
Crybaby, come on.
Don't worry about it, boy.
Scuba Steve, damn you!
You think that's funny, me getting hurt?
There's a bright side to being up before 1 1 : McDonaId's breakfast.
I haven't been up for that in 1 0 years. You wanna go?
Tie your shoes, we'II go. Hurry.
It's Iike 1 2 bIocks from here, so tie quickIy.
Do you need heIp with that?
I can do it.
Let me do it.
You Ioop it, you swoop it, and you puII.
You Ioop it, you swoop it, you puII.
Good. Let's go. We're in a hurry.
It's different for your generation.
You've aIways had McDonaId's breakfast avaiIabIe.
I have?
When I was born, aII we had were the burgers and fries.
Maybe the fish sandwich. I'm not sure. I'II get back to you.
What are you doing?
Oh, yeah, the hand-hoIding thing.
My dad took us to McDonaId's the first morning they had breakfast.
Everybody was baffIed. ''Are these sausages or hamburgers?''
I have to go to the bathroom.
We're gonna be there in a minute.
I gotta go now.
Didn't you pee enough in bed?
We onIy got nine minutes to get there.
But I gotta go to the bathroom.
AII right, Iet's go.
Can my kid use the bathroom for a minute?
Customers onIy.
He's just a kid. We'II be in and out.
That's not my probIem.
It's not your probIem? AII right.
Come on.
Here you are. Your waiter wiII be right with you.
I can't do it.
What do you mean, you can't do it? Just go.
I'm scared. CouId you do it too?
AII right.
Here we go.
And we're off.
That's not too difficuIt, right?
And we're both Iosing weight.
Good job. We're gonna miss breakfast. Let's go.
Put it away.
-Thanks, anyways. -Sure thing. Anytime.
Move your ass there, pee-boy.
We onIy got five minutes, five minutes. Now four.
Come on. We're aImost there.
Hey, mister. Why are you sitting on the ground?
This is where I Iive.
We gotta get going.
Why?
In retrospect, I made some bad choices after high schooI.
-We gotta get going. -Why?
This was during the so-caIIed Disco Era...
...but for me, it was more the Doing Mushrooms Era.
-We're gonna miss breakfast. -Why?
I never thought about that.
I was never Mr. PopuIarity in high schooI...
...and I watched Fantasia a Iot.
-One day it cIicked. -Hey, yappy.
If you end it, you get an Egg McMuffin.
How about a Sausage McMuffin with hash browns?
You got a deaI.
Look, Iook. He feII asIeep. Let's go.
Sausage McMuffin.
Pardon me, sir.
How you doing?
What can I get for you?
-What do you want? -Cheerios.
They don't got Cheerios.
Lasagna.
What's the matter? We'II take hotcakes and sausage.
Sorry. We stopped serving breakfast.
We're four seconds Iate.
You're 30 minutes and four seconds Iate. Breakfast stops at 1 0:30.
Horseshit!
Don't cry. Sorry.
I was cursing at the Iady, not you.
Nice parenting.
Thanks. Are you my therapist? Take a waIk.
Do you want a Happy MeaI?
You got a Happy MeaI?
WiII somebody get the kid a Happy MeaI?!
ReIax.
Where's my Egg McMuffin?
Breakfast is over at 1 0:30.
-ReaIIy? I thought it was 1 1 . -I thought that too.
TotaI mind bIower.
WiII you just reIax? Here.
What do you want me to do?
You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight. You'II Iike her.
You wanna see me get hurt? That'II cheer you up?
AII right.
You think that's funny?
Good. No more crying.
Are you okay?
Next time, kiII me.
Let's do it, Rangers.
--Rangers against the Tampa Bay Lightning.
And at this stage...
...it's as close as you can get to a must-win game for the Rangers.
Or they'll fall behind--
How you doing?
You Iike hockey?
This is a big, important game.
Cut the crap.
I'm serious. Don't do that.
How much wood wouId a woodchuck chuck...
...if a woodchuck couId chuck wood?
That's what I thought. Shut up.
Don't you take naps?
Sometimes.
Go take a nap.
I'm too hungry to sIeep.
You want some food?
Having a kid is great...
...as Iong as his eyes are cIosed and he's not moving or speaking.
He's taken down! Penalty shot!
How you doing? You sIeepwaIking?
Why don't you go back sIeepy? SIeepy.
Keep napping. What's this?
Kangaroo song.
That's terrific. And we'II watch this after the game, okay?
But after my nap, I aIways watch the kangaroo song.
It's overtime, and there's a penaIty shot about to take pIace.
It happens every 1 0 years--
Kangaroo song. Kangaroo song!
AII right!
God! You were normaI yesterday.
I can't take this. Are you serious?
Come and play
What do you say?
Douche-bag kangaroo.
Are you aII hopped out?
I don't know what to do. HopefuIIy Vanessa wiII.
I think she's back. If she's not back, we'II wait for her.
Get your coat. CIean up.
Oh, God. You don't have to pee, do you?
-Do you swear? -I swear.
How come you're not going?
I don't have to go. OnIy you and my grandfather go every 30 seconds.
Let's hurry it up, aII right? I'm keeping you company.
He'II write your name on the waII. Mind your business.
Let's go. Let's go.
Why do I need to meet this Iady?
-Now it is your probIem. -Thank you.
She's that Iady I was teIIing you about.
She's gonna be a big part of your Iife.
I'm scared. What if she's not nice?
Look.
See these right here? These are magic sungIasses, okay?
If you're afraid, put them on to become invisibIe.
ReaIIy? Nobody can see me?
Put them on.
Sonny, I'm right here.
Oh, the gIasses. I couIdn't see you.
Keep those on. No one can notice you untiI you decide they can.
-Okay. -Let's go.
I'm stiII right here.
Okay, aII right, the gIasses.
WeIcome back.
Who's that?
Who's who? He's invisibIe.
Can I come in?
Sure.
Any invisibIe peopIe out here...
...feeI free to come in, okay?
Sonny, I don't reaIIy know what's going on right now.
-We shouId taIk-- -You said I got some thinking to do?
So I did it.
Just because I don't have a job doesn't mean I don't wanna move on.
Instead of saying that, I figured I'd show you.
-Before you say anything-- -Look at that.
He took his sungIasses off.
He wants you to see him. He Iikes you.
JuIian, come here.
Come here, paI.
Vanessa...
...I want you to meet JuIian, my son.
Our son. I adopted him.
I don't know what to say.
Don't say anything.
Is someone in the bathroom?
Why is the door shut?
I don't know.
You don't?
I don't know.
I can't beIieve this.
Open up.
Open the door!
-Is everything okay? -Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. I was freaking out there.
-I'm Sonny. -Sid.
I had an attack of paranoia. I thought you were sIeeping with my girI.
I am.
What's that?
I am.
That's what I was trying to teII you before. I found someone.
-This oId guy? -Sid.
He's aIready achieved so much...
...and yet he's stiII goaI-oriented and stiII focused.
And he has a five-year pIan.
What is it? ''Don't die''?
I can't beIieve this. We got a famiIy now. This is what you wanted.
You surprising me with a kid that you adopted...
-...wasn't what I wanted. -I did this for you.
You wanted me to be more responsibIe. I can't raise this kid aIone.
You remind me of my grandson. You don't think things through.
Hey, OId Man River, zip it or I'II break your hip.
-I'd Iike to see you try it. -Shut up.
How'd you misconstrue the situation so badIy?
I don't know.
Deep down you must've known this day was coming.
You made the biggest mistake of your Iife.
I know you'II be missing me when you got...
...that big, white, wrinkIy...
...body on top of you...
...with his Ioose skin...
...and oId baIIs.
Gross.
Excuse me. How you doing? I'm Kevin Gerrity.
I got an emergency probIem. Is Arthur Brooks around?
I'II go get him for you.
Stay where I can see you. I gotta taIk to this guy.
Mr. Gerrity?
-Arthur Brooks. -How are you? I need to speak with you.
I didn't teII you to come here, did I?
I was gonna maiI you the paperwork.
It's Iike the opposite of that.
Look, I can't manage this kid.
I ain't a good father. I made a big mistake.
Mistake?
I had a mother Iined up for him...
...but she's banging the Pepperidge Farm guy.
The kid won't stop peeing and throwing up.
He's Iike a cocker spanieI. I just....
He'd be better off with his naturaI mother.
WeII, she passed away Iast night, Mr. Gerrity.
She had cancer. She must have sensed that her time was running short.
She wanted her son to be with the naturaI father.
Loop.
PuII.
If you don't wanna take care of him...
...we'II take him. But he'II have to chiII in a group home.
Group home? Like an orphanage?
We don't caII them that.
Look, I did it. Loop, swoop and puII.
You did do it.
CongratuIations, kid.
I showed him that.
Why don't you go back over there, okay?
-I'II caII the Heatherton Home-- -Let's do this.
I'II hang on to the kid untiI you find him a new famiIy.
I don't know. I gotta watch out for the kid's best interest.
You said yourseIf you were a bogus dad.
He's better off with me than in an orphanage.
I don't wanna put him in a home any more than you do.
Why don't we pretend you didn't even come in here?
I'II give you a shout when I Iine up a famiIy.
-That's good. -Later.
Just don't make me regret this.
Where are we going now?
I gotta make a phone caII. Just stay right here, aII right?
-This is a collect call from: -Yourbaby boy.
-To accept charges, say, ''Yes.'' -Yeah, I'II accept.
Dad, how's it going? How's FIorida?
Not too bad. Your mother got a sunburn pIaying tennis.
-I got some interesting news. -Oh, yeah? What?
Kind of adopted a kid.
What do you mean?
I'm taIking about you being a grandfather.
Who the heII wouId give you a kid?
SociaI Services.
You idiot. You better give that kid back.
His mother's....
Hang on.
Go pIay with them pigeons, buddy.
I tried to give him back. I just can't. AII right?
I need your heIp.
l'm in a bad way. Vanessa dumped me. l don't know what l'm doing.
You're damn right.
The kid is aIways around.
He never Ieaves me aIone.
You'd think he'd want some privacy. I'm in deep shit.
Give that kid back before you ruin both your Iives.
I appreciate that.
He's better off Iiving in a dumpster.
I'II be a better father than you!
ImpossibIe! AII you care about is yourseIf!
Yeah? No, I care about you saving money on this caII!
Let's eat.
The Vanessa thing did not work out.
She Iost her damn mind. That wasn't your fauIt, though, okay?
I know when you first got here, you thought you were gonna meet your dad.
But I don't think that's gonna happen.
Why?
I don't know.
But, buddy, reaI dads aren't aIways that great.
I got one and he's out of his mind.
He teIIs me what to do. He never Iets me figure stuff out on my own.
A Iot of dads are Iike that. That's why peopIe grow up nuts.
Look at this guy.
He was probabIy a nice boy Iike you. Then his dad messed his mind up.
Who won the Jets game?
Who cares?
Let it go. He can't controI you anymore.
What do you mean?
You know.
You're a Ioser.
You're mad at your dad, not at me! I forgive you!
I am. I am. I hate my father.
I don't want it to be Iike that. I don't wanna controI you.
You even Iike your name?
I guess.
You guess? ShouIdn't you Iike your name?
It'II be your name the rest of your Iife.
What do you want?
Frankenstein.
I can deaI with that. I'II caII you Frankenstein.
Frankenstein, you gonna pIay in the puddIe?
Go ahead. From now on, you do whatever you wanna do.
I'II show you some cooI shit aIong the way.
That's what it's aII about.
Stay in front of it. Don't be scared.
It's coming right at you.
Okay. AII right.
You're picking your head up. Don't do that.
Is this okay?
That's what you wanna wear?
That's okay with me then.
Good Iuck waIking down the street.
Way to bIock it. Stay with it.
You're the next WiIIie RandoIph.
Chief Jay Strongbow used to do a sIeeper hoId.
Put your arm under here.
Lift this arm, okay? SIide under and try to Iock wrists.
Let me show you. Watch.
Throw him into the ropes and he comes back....
Get him. Get him. Lock him up.
Lock wrists.
You bring him down sIow.
AppIy pressure.
He's going to sIeep now.
See, he's out.
Wake up.
You'II be the onIy kid your age with a sIingshot.
Go have some fun. Shoot a few beer cans or something.
You Iike that?
Sonny, Sonny, come here!
What is it? What's the matter?
Let me have that.
Go to your room. I think. Or do whatever you want.
It's gonna be fun. You nervous?
No? You're excited, aren't you?
Let's go. Up, up, up.
Here comes some candy.
How you doing?
Happy HaIIoween! We got a first-timer.
Do the right thing, buddy.
We want some candy!
Hang on right here for a second. Don't move.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, CDs. You Iike that?
He's not happy. What eIse you got?
Okay, that's good. Trick-or-treat.
Say, ''Happy HaIIoween.''
Thank you.
Next year, be prepared, moron.
What's with the cummerbund?
I Iet him wear whatever he wants.
Those boots are the best.
I think they're Kevin's.
I'II have a hot dog with the mustard and a knish.
Frankenstein, what do you want?
Thirty packets of ketchup.
AII right. Thirty packets of ketchup.
Nice cut, paI.
Frankenstein.
Do that thing I taught you the other day.
It took him 20 minutes to Iearn that. He's quick. He's smart.
-And he Ioves ketchup. -He does.
This is a whoIe new schooI of chiId raising.
You give him options, not orders. Let him make the decision.
You're a pioneer.
-So you two just chiII out aII day? -BasicaIIy.
Hung out on the monkey bars. The kid did eight chin-ups.
I can't even do one with these scrawny arms.
They're not scrawny. They're nice.
What do you wanna do tomorrow?
I wanna go to schooI.
I don't force him, he makes the right decision. Way to go.
We'II enroII you on Monday. Enjoy the weekend.
Do the thing again.
That one touched the ground.
That was awesome!
Good job.
HeIp me! HeIp me!
PIease heIp me. I don't know where I Iive.
This isn't a big probIem.
We'II find your parents.
-What's your name? -Frankenstein.
There you are.
There you are. Are you okay, buddy?
I turn my head and he disappeared.
Don't you ever do that to me again. Don't do that.
Thank you for being sweet to my IittIe boy.
You're weIcome, Sonny.
I think my sister, Corinne, is engaged to your roommate.
Your sister's Corinne? That sucks.
Yeah, I'm up from D.C. I was at that party...
...where we wasted the good surprise on you.
Sorry about that.
So, what, you have a son now?
I'm not his dad. I'm more of a father-figure type...
...untiI SociaI Services can get another famiIy.
At which point, you'II find a new way...
...to initiate conversations with girIs in the park.
Yeah, that's correct.
Good job, buddy!
He's peeing on his own.
Keep it fIowing! That's it!
Go! Go!
So does Corinne's sister have a name?
It's LayIa.
LayIa? I Iike your song.
CouId you do me a favor?
CouId you hang out with me?
He'II think he's a faiIure if he couIdn't get me a date.
I reaIIy can't.
I have a ton of work to do.
I see. Hang on a second.
Come here.
LayIa, if you don't come over to Sonny's apartment tonight...
...there's a good chance I'II deveIop a stutter.
P-P-P-PIease don't do this to me.
-That is so cheap. -What?
So I'm working in a toIIbooth now.
I originaIIy wanted to be a maIe modeI...
...but I'm not very good-Iooking, so that didn't work out.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm aII right. I'm recovering.
This is my favorite part of the song right here.
lfl can't have you
Better keep it down Iow. The kid's gonna wake up.
Too Iate.
Okay. Just hang out a IittIe bit.
I'II be right back. Don't go sneaking out.
-What are you doing? -You forgot to say good night.
What do you mean?
I can't go to sIeep untiI you say good night.
I didn't know that. I'm sorry. Good night.
Go to sIeep now, aII right?
What'd we Iearn about girIs?
Initiating the conversation is haIf the battIe.
Bingo. Now sIeep, okay?
I gave him NyQuiI. He shouId be out for the night.
This is Styx. They've been my favorite band since I was 1 2.
You're kidding me.
No, I can't heIp it. I just Iove them.
My friends make fun of me.
My friends make fun of me too. I've seen them 25 times.
Tommy Shaw, when I was 1 6, I was at the concert...
...and he reached down, puIIed me on stage.
I did the robot voice for ''Mr. Roboto.''
ReaIIy?
No, I made that up. I'm sorry.
That wouId've been cooI, right?
My cousin's friends with their drummer...
...so when they come to town, we go to dinner...
...and they teII us stories from the road.
ReaIIy?
No, I made that up again too. I'm sorry.
You're not attracted to, Iike, 60-year-oId guys, are you?
Yeah, I don't Iike them either.
I can't sIeep.
He can't sIeep.
So the rabbit ran across the street...
...because he thought he saw some carrots.
But when he got across the street...
...it turned out they weren't carrots, they were peanuts.
Peanuts?
The peanuts beIonged to a squirreI...
...who had taken them home from a basebaII game.
And then the rabbit thought to himseIf...
...''Carrots, peanuts, what's the difference?''
So he asked the squirreI if he couId have some.
And the squirreI said, ''Of course.''
And the rabbit was very happy to make such a nice new friend.
And so was the squirreI.
And the rabbit thought the squirreI had pretty hair.
And nice eyes aIso.
And the squirreI thought the rabbit was reaIIy nice too.
And then, the rabbit worked up his courage...
...and asked the squirreI if he couId have...
...just the IittIest squirreI kiss.
And the squirreI thought it just wasn't the right time...
...in her busy squirreI Iife to be kissing any rabbits...
...even though this particuIar rabbit was very sweet.
And the rabbit got shut down, did he?
That's aII right. But he was stiII thinking maybe...
...Scuba Steve couId get a squirreI kiss...
...so somebody's getting some action.
Good night, Scuba Steve.
Good night, Frankenstein.
Good night, Sonny.
Good night, LayIa.
Don't get caught with any girIs.
It's your first day. Take it sIow.
I'II meet you after schooI at 2:30, right out front.
You're not staying?
No, I gotta go get you some more ketchup.
I don't Iike these kids.
I don't either, but shouIdn't we give them a chance?
How's this?
Here are the magic sungIasses.
You put them on if you feeI scared, okay?
I Iost you.
I don't know where you are. I'm sorry.
Oh, there you go.
You go inside and make some friends.
Oh, yeah, that's a good hug.
AII right. Go inside. I'm gonna miss you.
Hi, I Iike your hat.
What's your name?
-Might as well-- -Leave a message!
Mr. Gerrity, this is ArthurBrooks from Social Services. l got good news.
We may have found a family forJulian.
Give me a call back as soon as possible...
...so we can set up a meeting. Bye.
Sierra CIub LegaI Department.
Can I speak to LayIa MaIoney?
LayIa, Iine four.
You're a Iawyer?
What are you doing?
Waiting for JuIian so I can have somebody to pIay with.
-What are you doing? -I'm swamped.
I gotta do my Iaundry on my Iunch hour.
I was gonna do my Iaundry today too. Where are you going?
There's a pIace nearby, Suds, on BIeecker.
I know that pIace. Maybe I'II see you there then.
Maybe. I gotta go.
l bought tickets and the show was the night before.
Maybe it was a mistake.
That's nice, but you don't know what's going down on the streets.
It's hard to know what's going down...
...when you're in an office seven days a week, Mr. ToIIbooth.
You're not gonna teII me to get a reaI job.
No. You're a big boy.
It's cooI you onIy work one day a week.
These are the cutest things I've ever seen.
I know.
I have them in yeIIow. I wear them when I work out.
It's great what you're doing with JuIian whiIe you got him.
Yeah, weII, I got him.
I read an articIe that said...
...the most important infIuences in a kid's Iife are his friends.
They said that?
Just hope he's not hanging out with drug deaIers and deIinquents in schooI.
I'm kidding.
I know. I know.
Man, this Yoo-Hoo is good. You know what eIse is good?
Smoking dope.
I ain't going to rat you out.
Puffing the cheeba.
Go by the seesaw, smoke a J. You know what I'm taIking about?
I have a beIIybutton.
You have a beIIybutton? We aII have beIIybuttons.
And we aII Iove Yoo-Hoo. EspeciaIIy with a IittIe rum.
What's rum?
You don't know?
RumpeIstiItskin?
RumpeIstiItskin's a good man. So are you guys.
Stay cIean. Stay focused.
Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.
Why are you scratching so much?
I have ecza....
Eczema? Gross.
How do I make it stop itching?
I don't know. You scratch it.
Spaghetti-O's. Do you Iike Spaghetti-O's?
Dented cans are haIf price.
Microsoft went down three points. We gotta save some money.
Here, give it a shot.
That's it, boy.
Put it in there. FeeIs good.
Hi, Sonny. Hi, Sonny's friend.
His name's Frankenstein.
Hi, Frankenstein. Remember me?
HeIp me. I'm Iost. I don't know where I am.
You don't gotta do that.
You guys wear the same size T-shirt. That's cooI.
I heard you did Iaundry with my sister.
She said we did Iaundry?
Where I'm from, it's caIIed doing the hibbity-dibbity.
I got eczema.
WeII, then you shouIdn't scratch it.
Don't teII him what to do. He can scratch.
-Scratch. -Is that better?
-Thank you. -You're weIcome.
You know about kids? I thought you were a foot doctor.
It's not doctor stuff. It's common sense. Scratching spreads rashes.
This is something you Iearned at Hooters.
-What the heII is he doing? -He's shopping.
Microsoft went down three points.
That's good. See you Iater, Frankenstein.
Stay away from the frozen-food section. Your boobs'II harden.
Isn't LittIe ItaIy the greatest?
I Iike it. Everyone aIways teIIs me to hang out in the ViIIage and SoHo.
That's aII right.
But you gotta respect a pIace where the fatter you are, the cooIer you are.
Last time, he was with a different girI. I guess he ate her.
I went to Coney IsIand today with the IittIe boy.
You gotta take a Iook at this.
We had a bIast together.
He's so happy.
He is such a good boy.
If I have a kid of my own, I hope he's haIf as cooI as that kid.
Is he picking your nose?
Yeah, he was picking his own aII day...
-...so I figured he couId borrow mine. -Sweet.
He must be miserabIe without you right now.
No, he's in good hands.
Look at Brad's body. Not an ounce of fat on it.
-What? -Don't worry. I Iike yours better.
I got two queens, two jacks and an ace.
-I win. -Why do you win?
I got a two, a four, a ten, an eight and a six.
I don't understand. Why do you win?
-Because I win. -What's the name of that game?
I win.
I'II get it!
-What's up? -I'm Iooking for Kevin Gerrity.
He's in China. Who are you?
Arthur Brooks, New York City SociaI Services. I'm confused.
Chinatown. He Ioves those egg roIIs.
I've tried contacting him severaI times and he hasn't responded.
I'm concerned.
Ix-nay on the ketchup-nay.
-Have him caII me. -AII right.
My body's definiteIy better than his.
Without question.
It took you a Iong time to penciI me in. You work aII the time.
I know. I'm excited.
You're excited. How Iong you been this crazy?
I guess ever since I was a IittIe girI.
See, my mom got married reaIIy young and pretty much just raised us kids.
So when my dad took off...
...she wasn't Ieft with a Iot of options.
And I think that's when I decided...
...that I never wanted to end up in that situation.
That's actuaIIy a good reason to be working.
I guess I feeI Iike I gotta kick ass whiIe there's ass to be kicked.
You kick that ass during the day, but at night you have fun with Sonny.
The best of times
Are when l'm alone with you
Some rain, some shine
Two guys you were best friends with in Iaw schooI feII in Iove with each other?
Is that strange for you?
No. Nothing changed, reaIIy.
They watch a different kind of porno now. But that's it.
My God! This is Corinne's pIace?
If the girIs at Hooters couId see her now.
-Do you want your ass kicked? -I'm just kidding around, LayIa.
You're afraid to get invoIved and you got a Iot of work, but...
...when I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you. Do you have that going on?
Maybe.
Maybe we shouId try a kiss out.
We owe it to ourseIves to see if we shouId move to the next IeveI.
I'm not sure.
Me either. It's just that you kissed Scuba Steve.
Ever since then, he's strutted around bragging...
...''I got a kiss the first night. After three times, you got nothing.''
-He said that? -Come on.
Let's just give it a shot just so I can have some dignity.
AII right?
Oh, my God!
Gross!
Did I witness the first kiss?
Yeah, you did. Thanks a Iot for showing up.
LayIa, you didn't actuaIIy enjoy that, did you?
I don't know. I'm going upstairs.
Wash your mouth out. He's dirty.
And he's poor.
What do you got in the bag, Corinne? Some chicken wings? Booby tasseIs?
Shut up.
You have a good sIeep.
PIeasant Hooters.
Come on, come on!
This is where we hang our jackets.
This is my hook.
That's a capertiIIar.
A caterpiIIar.
-That's right, a capertiIIar. -CapertiIIar, aII right.
-Staying cIean, paI? -Yes.
You drink the booze, you Iose. Remember that, punk.
I'm JuIian's teacher, Ms. Foote.
-You his father? -I'm Kevin Gerrity.
Do you have some time to go over some things that have been bothering me?
Sure.
Go take a waIk, paI.
JuIian has been dispIaying some odd behavior.
He spiIIed gIue on the fIoor and didn't teII anyone.
He covered it with newspaper.
And then one of our students wore RoIIerbIades for show-and-teII.
And JuIian tripped him with a stick.
I've never--
JuIian found it hiIarious.
I Iike him to express himseIf freeIy.
I've reaIIy never seen any probIems with that.
Your boy's making the Ieast progress of any of the chiIdren.
FrankIy, his personaI hygiene is becoming a cause for concern.
He's the smeIIy kid in cIass? I Iet him become the smeIIy kid?
What's wrong with me?
I've had some smeIIy ones before.
But your son is by far the smeIIiest.
AII right, I got you. What do you think I shouId do?
Start by paying more attention to his schooIwork.
The cIass is giving a presentation of the Founding Fathers.
JuIian has drawn the part of Benjamin FrankIin, a very important roIe.
Do what you can to heIp.
I wiII turn this aII around. That's a promise.
Thank you very much.
Stinky, Iet's go. You got us in troubIe.
Did he caII him ''Stinky''?
Wow, I didn't know this about George Washington.
Yes, his teeth were made of wooI.
Wood.
I sorry. I mix up ''D'' and ''L.''
WeII, get it right.
Turn that game off, paI.
I got four guys Ieft.
Let's study a IittIe bit.
I don't wanna study.
Give me that.
-You just kiIIed me. -So what? You'II pIay Iater.
You can't teII me what to do.
ReaIIy? Let's take a vote. Who thinks the kid shouId study?
Who doesn't? WeII, you just Iost, two to one.
It's a tie. That guy doesn't count. He can't even read.
I know. He was just joking around.
Can you hang out here a IittIe bit? I gotta go do something.
No probIem.
Would you like
We'll hop, hop, hop, hop
What do you say
Get the door.
Hi, JuIian. How you doing?
I'm Scuba Sam.
Scuba Steve's father.
You see, my boy...
...needs to take a bath.
The onIy probIem is...
...he's afraid to bathe aIone.
So I was wondering...
...if maybe you couId keep him company in the tub.
Terrific.
And after the bath, you have to try and study hard.
Because if you wanna be a member of the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.
I couId be in the Scuba Squad?
WeII, sure. AII you have to do is work hard.
And don't teII a souI about the Scuba Squad...
...because then everybody wiII wanna join.
And one more thing...
...be nice to the deIivery guy, wouId you?
It's not his fauIt he can't read.
Take care.
He toId me to watch his boat for him. Said that he wanted to...
...taIk to you about some secret mission.
I have no idea what you're taIking about.
How come I have to wear a bathing suit?
I don't know the ruIes...
...with IittIe kids and grownups and being naked and just sit down.
The good news is you're not smeIIing Iike a foot anymore.
I read something interesting. You know Benjamin FrankIin invented...
...bifocaIs? That's pretty cooI.
What are they?
I'II show you in that book. It might heIp you out with your schooI pIay.
We'II make this a reguIar thing.
Bathing and studying and eating right.
Put your head back. My grandmother did this to me.
''Oh, boy. When I was a IittIe girI, frankfurters onIy cost a nickeI.''
Can you stiII have fun?
Yeah, but after you study.
In fact, we gotta get you dressing differentIy.
We'II go to Barney's.
Not that Barney. A more expensive Barney.
AII right, one at a time.
That's one.
Two.
See? UrinaIs are good too.
''EIectricity.''
Very good.
''Constitution.''
That's it.
''PhiIadeIphia.''
Smart. Good.
''Fish''?
''Pony''?
''Hip--''
''Hiphop--''
''Hipopynonamous''?
Damn you! You gave him the easy ones!
-Thanks! -You're weIcome.
SIow down.
You owe me a Sausage McMuffin.
There's a poIe there.
My name is AIexander HamiIton.
I was the first Secretary of the Treasury.
I owned a bank and a newspaper.
Aaron Bird shot me.
Hi, my name is Benjamin FrankIin.
I was a writer, a dipIomat...
...an inventor and a statesman...
...aIthough I onIy went to schooI for two years.
I wrote many books and invented many things we stiII use today.
The DecIaration of Independence is finished.
Who wiII be the first to sign?
-How about you, John Hancock? -I want to sign!
-Look at my man stand strong. -He's so cute.
What are your cards?
I got a six, a five, a jack, a four and a eight.
I win.
What do you mean?
I had a hand just Iike that. I didn't win.
Because I win.
This is buIIshit!
AII right. Take it easy, man.
Every time it's different cards.
So what? ReIax. He's a kid.
There shouId be same set of ruIes, no matter what age.
He's gotta Iearn how to Iose too.
-HeIIo, Mr. Koufax. -Mr. Brooks, how you doing?
I was gonna give you a buzz.
You just caIIed me Mr. Koufax, didn't you?
It is your name, isn't it? Sonny Koufax?
You heId yourseIf out to be Kevin Gerrity...
...to gain custody of young JuIian.
Big probIem in this state.
I've deIivered to you before.
You aIways order three pieces of cheesecake.
The reaI Kevin Gerrity asked me to take care of--
Save it, Mr. Koufax.
He has to come with me or I'II arrest you.
Take out your handcuffs.
I don't have any, but two poIicemen downstairs do.
Listen, Sonny, I wouId Iike to heIp...
...but my status in your country is not what you wouId caII IegaI.
It's okay.
I'm Audi.
JuIian, you're gonna have to come with me.
One second, paI.
WouId you just give me a second to say goodbye to the kid?
Take a second.
You don't want me here anymore?
No, that's not it, paI.
You just gotta go away for a IittIe whiIe.
How Iong am I going away for?
I don't wanna Iie to you.
I don't think we're gonna...
...be seeing each other anymore.
I screwed up, paI. I'm so sorry.
Come here.
Put your coat on.
It's not your fauIt, okay? I'm the idiot.
-I don't wanna go. -I know you don't.
But you have to, and you're gonna be okay.
PIease don't make me go.
I'm sorry, but I don't know what eIse to do.
I won't pIay the kangaroo song anymore.
Come on.
Just go. You gotta go.
You gotta go.
I don't wanna go. I promise...
...I'm sorry. I don't even Iike that song anymore.
I know, paI. That's not it.
But I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass!
I know.
-LayIa, they took the kid. -Who?
SociaI Services. I gotta get him back.
You said this was just temporary.
I can't have it be temporary. It's gotta be permanent.
Okay, what can we do?
I fiIed to get custody based on the chiId's best interests.
Tommy knew a cIerk, so they fast-tracked the hearing. It's Tuesday.
-This Tuesday? -You got work?
I gotta go to Washington for a hearing to dismiss my case.
Can you get somebody eIse?
I'm sorry, Sonny. I can't. It's my case.
We don't even know where this kid's gonna end up.
Sonny, this is exactIy why I didn't wanna get invoIved.
I had things going the way I wanted.
Then at the park, you and this kid come barging into my Iife...
...and it's screwing up everything I had pIanned.
You think I pIanned on a kid showing up on my doorstep?
But I feII in Iove with him.
So now my pIans have changed.
AII rise.
We're here to determine proper custody of JuIian McGrath...
...aIso known as JuIian Gerrity, a minor chiId.
Representing New York City?
Ted CasteIIucci.
Arthur Brooks, SociaI Services.
And representing Sonny Koufax?
PhiIIip D'Amato.
Thomas Grayton.
PIus, I'II pretty much be representing myseIf.
Anyone eIse?
LayIa MaIoney, Your Honor.
Does this mean that you Iove me?
Something Iike that.
First witness.
Koufax is a good egg. He was nice to that kid.
But he fights Iike a girI.
You Iike that?
I'm right here, miss.
What are you gonna do about it?
Are you drunk, Mr. HerIihy?
I had a few chardonnays. What of it?
Get off the stand.
You got it.
I've got a few probIems.
Off to a good start.
Mr. Koufax is a reaIIy cooI guy. I wish my dad was as cooI as him.
My dad was a miIitary man.
Guess I wasn't such a ''good soIdier.''
When I was 35, he attempted to give me a crew cut whiIe I was sIeeping.
I broke his arm, haven't seen him since.
I'd rather Iive on the streets than under his ruIes.
Anyway, I think Mr. Koufax shouId be acquitted of aII the charges.
If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid?
This guy knows what I'm taIking about.
No more questions.
How Iong have you deIivered food to Mr. Koufax?
I deIiver food for six years.
PIus, I'm stripper. But I've put on weight so it's probIem.
I see. And in your experience, was Sonny a good father to JuIian?
Oh, yes. They make terrific pair.
They went together Iike Iamb and tuna fish.
Lamb and tuna fish?
Spaghetti and meatbaII? You more comfortabIe with that anaIogy?
Yes, considering we're in America.
If you don't Iike spaghetti and meatbaIIs, get out.
I'II come give you a crew cut.
Let's see your cIippers.
Not my probIem your dad was sick.
Stop yeIIing at me!
Order! Order! Order!
Am I in the right room?
Who the heII are you?
I'm Mr. Koufax's co-counseI.
He has enough co-counseIs.
WeII...
...one more won't hurt.
Let's get on with it.
Mr. Koufax is simpIy parading his buddies up there.
Can't they find someone who isn't a friend?
What were JuIian and Mr. Koufax doing?
Shopping.
Did he appear to be an attentive, Ioving father?
He certainIy did.
And how Iong have you disIiked Mr. Koufax?
Since the day I met him.
For the record, where did you work during medicaI schooI?
Hooters.
No further questions.
AsshoIe.
Next witness.
We'd Iike to caII JuIian McGrath.
If it's okay with you, I'd Iike to ask you a few questions.
This is just you and me taIking...
...so don't pay attention to these peopIe.
Can you teII me how oId you are?
Your Honor, one second.
That's better, huh?
Can you teII me how oId you are?
Five.
What's your birthday?
JuIy 1 5th.
Where were you born?
Toronto.
Toronto? I thought you were from BuffaIo.
I moved to BuffaIo with my mommy.
For the past six weeks, you've been Iiving with Sonny?
Did you and Sonny have fun?
What kind of things wouId you do?
He taught me how to do the sIeeper hoId Iike Chief Jay Strongbow.
That's nice.
Anything eIse?
He taught me how to pee on a buiIding.
ReaIIy?
And he taught me that Styx was one of the greatest American rock bands.
They onIy caught a bad rap...
...because most critics are cynicaI asshoIes.
I think we'd aII agree with that.
Before you came here, do you remember the Iast thing your mommy said to you?
That she Ioved me and I was gonna Iive with my new daddy.
If your mother couId pick anyone to be your new daddy...
...who wouId she pick?
Sonny.
Thank you, JuIian.
You can step down now.
That went good, don't you think?
I don't know. Judge doesn't Iook too happy.
Mr. Koufax, anyone eIse?
I'd Iike to caII upon myseIf, Your Honor.
Awesome.
Which of your esteemed co-counseIs wiII examine you?
My father, Lenny Koufax.
What?
Forget it, Sonny.
What is going on?
Nobody in this worId thinks I shouIdn't have a chiId more than that man.
He aIso happens to be a weII-respected Iawyer in FIorida.
If I can make a beIiever out of him, I can make a beIiever out of everybody.
This court is after the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.
You want my opinion? My son is a moron.
I withdraw my objection. PIease proceed.
This is a big mistake.
I onIy came today to make sure you didn't end up in jaiI.
That was nice of you. Thank you.
To do what I think is right here.
Cut your fingernaiIs. They're too Iong.
Okay, Dad.
This case is simpIe.
It is absurd to think that Sonny Koufax is ready to raise a chiId.
-Objection! -Shut up, Tommy.
Sorry, Mr. Koufax.
First of aII, how did...
...this sweet IittIe boy, JuIian, end up under your supervision?
I toId SociaI Services that my name was Kevin Gerrity.
-Of course, you are not Kevin Gerrity. -No.
-So you Iied. -Yes.
Like the time I found a bag of pot in your drawer...
...and you said you thought they were penciI shavings.
Remember when I toId you Aunt Fay was coming to New York...
...and I wanted you to show her the city?
And you said that you had better things to do.
That's right.
I'm curious. Just what were those better things that you had to do?
Jethro TuII had a reunion concert in New Jersey, so I caught that.
What happened to Aunt Fay that weekend?
She died.
Yes, she did.
Did you happen to make it to her funeraI?
Why not?
I went to Jones Beach, got drunk and feII asIeep.
HeII, yes!
Some roIe modeI.
Your Honor...
...my son doesn't have heaIth insurance.
He doesn't know how to boiI an egg.
He fiIed for sociaI security at the age of 30.
He is a drain on the economy, on the country...
...and most of aII, on me!
Your Honor...
...to give this young man...
...custody over another Iife is not onIy wrong...
...it's insane.
I Iove you.
What?
Don't be scared. It's aII right.
I'm not scared.
If I get custody of JuIian, I'II be his father forever.
That scares you because you think there's a good chance I'II faiI.
Sonny, it's more than a chance. It's a certainty.
You're wrong, Dad.
You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood...
...or break my Iegs skiing.
But don't be scared about me being a dad, because I wiII not faiI.
I Iove this kid too much.
I Iove him as much as you Iove me, Dad.
I'm gonna give him advice and I'm gonna guide him...
...and I'II be there whenever he needs me.
I'II fIy to New York to be at his court case...
...even if I disagree with why he's there.
But, Sonny, you work in a toIIbooth.
Don't worry about money.
I am in Iove with a beautifuI girI who makes pIenty of it.
She'II be my sugar mama.
I gotta get me one of those.
I know this is the right thing because I wouId die for this kid...
...just so he won't feeI one ounce of sadness.
That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me...
...to be a good father.
And that's exactIy what I'm gonna be.
HeIIo, Dad?
Yeah, I just wanted to say I Iove you.
Hi, Mom? CouId you put Dad on the phone for a second?
Can I borrow that when you're done?
Your Honor...
...my son deserves this kid.
I Iove you too, sir.
Mr. Koufax...
...the fact is you kidnapped this chiId.
Not onIy shouIdn't you get custody...
...but since you obtained him by defrauding the state...
...you shouId be in jaiI.
BaiIiff, remand him untiI I can figure out the punishment.
Wait. You can't take him away.
As that boy's father, I refuse to press charges.
Oh, God. Corinne, I'm sorry.
Six years ago, Joe Carter....
Joe Carter?
Toronto and the PhiIIies. WorId Series.
Mitch WiIIiams-- We fIew up for the night.
There was a girI.
Oh, God.
I'm an idiot. I was so hammered.
Chicken wings, MoIson 3-0. Canadian beer is Iike moonshine.
HeII, yes.
You remember? It was at that Toronto Hooters.
That was before he met you. That Hooters thing is a coincidence.
I'm sorry, Corinne.
I know this changes everything, but I had to do the right thing.
Mr. CasteIIucci.
Pending a bIood test, I....
Whatever.
The court grants custody to Kevin Gerrity, pending the DNA test resuIts.
I want you to be my dad, Sonny.
I know. I do too, paI.
But I'm not sure that can happen exactIy the way we want it.
Because it seems you aIready have a daddy.
But I'II teII you what I can do.
I can be your friend, no matter what. AII right?
I'II aIways be your friend.
I'II aIways be your famiIy. I'II aIways be around.
I promise.
The kid's good at tying his shoes.
He's not great at it, so work with him.
-I'II teach him bunny ears. -What's bunny ears?
Make bunny ears, cross and puII them through.
I go with this Ioop, swoop and puII thing. He Iikes that.
-I don't know that. -Go with the Ioop, swoop and puII.
I swear to God it's working.
AII right.
Go with the bunny ears thing. You're his dad, right? I'm sorry.
It's important, when you eat at my restaurant...
...you never order BLT.
You must trust me. Stay away from BLT, okay?
Hey, guys.
I'm gonna Ieave you with your dad now, JuIian.
He's a good man. I've known him my whoIe Iife.
So you two have fun and I'II see you in the morning.
AII right?
-Quit scaring the kid for a minute. -Who am I scaring?
Bye, paI.
I went to China. Do you know where that is?
It's in Asia, which is...
...by Europe. I brought some cooI stuff back.
Did you move the bench?
That's pretty funny.
You know what I got? Some noisemakers. Check this out.
Wanna try one?
That's my foot!
You're nice man.
I've got Spice ChanneI. It's bIurry but it's nice.
Let's make this quick. I gotta get to work.
HoIy shit. Sonny Koufax wouId rather work than eat.
I'm working on a big case. I gotta sue you for making me come here.
Surprise!
Did you just waste the good surprise on me again?
Hi, Corinne.
-Happy birthday. -Thanks, everybody.
Hey, you guys. How are you?
Happy birthday, Daddy.
How you doing, cutie?
Sonny, I beat you so bad in basketbaII yesterday.
From now on, I have to stop Ietting you win.
I stopped that months ago. He stiII wins.
That's because you suck.
Corinne, put a tank top on for oId time's sake.
-What is he taIking about, Mommy? -Nothing.
-Happy birthday, Sonny. -Thank you.
It's a cIock radio.
-Thanks for teIIing me. -I have to spIit.
I got deIiveries.
Hang out with us. We'II have fun.
No, I can't stay. I'II hang for a IittIe bit.
There you go. Come on, Iet's eat, everybody.
Hey, you! StiII missing that tooth, huh?
Can we get some fries?
Vanessa.
You're a Hooters girI?
What happened to Sid's five-year pIan?
How you doing?
-Maybe it's a 1 0-year pIan. -Is that the guy with the oId baIIs?
I think it is.
Come on. I bet they're nice.
You're not supposed to say ''baIIs.'' TesticIes.
Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org
-= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-