NARRATOR: This is a story of the past...
and the future.
We will come to the future, but first, the past.
NARRATOR: Here we have the Earl of Warwick.
We can see by his petulantly arched brow...
that he is not en route to a good deed.
[Witch chanting]
WITCH: Mmm.
Obey!
Enchanted...
Do you wish to live, old witch?
You have committed grave crimes...
against God and your king, have you not?
- Have mercy, my lord. - Silence.
The Frenchman Count Thibault of Malfete...
shall wed Lady Rosalind, the daughter of our king.
I desire that woman.
[Growls]
Hmm.
I alone am fit to take her hand.
WITCH: And her castle, lands, the riches that are her dowry.
Thou art not as stupid as thou art hideous, old hag.
[Cackling]
Tomorrow night...
the king shall feast the arrival of the count.
I want the count dead before the feast is over.
A small fortune in gold...
awaits the sorceress who doth my bidding.
Not so fast.
How shall I know thy magic is sufficient to the task?
WITCH: Does thou find proof enough in this?
[Bubbling]
[Cackling]
[Cooing]
[Grunts]
[Growls]
[Shrieks]
[Roars]
[Snarling]
EARL: Aah!
That will do!
Take it, witch!
Was that proof enough, my lord?
Come to the king's castle tomorrow night...
and carry out my plan.
If you fail... you will be burned.
Ohh!
[Witch cackles]
NARRATOR: Our hero, of course, knew none of this.
He was safely in his entourage...
traveling, he thought, to his wedding.
Here he is... the Count of Malfete.
He is also a duke, a baron, and a lord.
A nobleman, plagued by only those small things...
which inconvenience a knight...
the permanent presence of his sisters...
his mother and father...
and, as all knights must endure...
an idiot servant, Andre...
whose smell made people faint...
a considerable achievement...
among a population who never bathed.
FATHER: Down, peasant!
[Man laughing]
The duke, or Thibault...
as his subjects were not allowed to call him...
was joyous.
The long-awaited day of his marriage...
had come at last.
What have we got here?
Another lot of bloody royal bastards?
Must be that French duke...
come to marry the king's daughter.
Mind the forest!
There be dragons who'll make dinner...
from your bones in there!
[Laughing]
NARRATOR: Andre loved and protected his master.
Master! Master!
The forest... it is haunted!
Thibault responded.
ANDRE: Thank you, master.
[Thunder]
NARRATOR: With every step...
he came closer to the castle of his beloved.
He hoped he would be with her soon...
for rare was the journey in which Thibault...
did not have to stop and rescue someone.
[Woman screaming]
This was no exception...
For like his ancestors...
he lived by an ancient family rule...
A woman in distress!
The only one he knew.
WOMAN: Aah! Aah!
Beware, sire.
Courage was more than a duty.
Courage was his creed.
[Yelling]
Aah!
MOTHER: Andre! Join your master!
FATHER: I'm talking to you! Go, go! Stupid peasant!
Sire! Behind you!
Ohh!
NARRATOR: Naturally...
Courage is our creed!
He was invincible.
NARRATOR: Except he was not invincible...
against witchcraft.
For this would be his last victory...
in this millennium.
[Bell chiming]
MAN: Afternoon, sir.
ROSALIND: I hear a rumor...
thou art marrying tomorrow, my lord.
I have heard this rumor.
I have also heard...
the bride is the most beautiful in all of England.
But it is not true.
- It is not? - No.
Am I not the most beautiful bride...
in all of England?
THIBAULT: No. Wait.
The most beautiful bride...
in all the world.
Wear this for me, Thibault.
Wear it against thine heart.
Thou shalt always be true.
WOMAN: Lady Rosalind.
Thou shalt not disgrace thyself...
before the wedding.
ROSALIND: I must hide and dress for the banquet.
[Drums beating]
[Medieval music playing]
[Guests laughing and chattering]
Ooh ooh ohh!
Sire, your bride looks like a gorgeous sparrow.
Silence, you impudent peasant.
Show respect to your future mistress.
ANDRE: Yes, master.
Ah! Thank you, my lord.
[Indistinct arguing]
[Dog growling]
[Chuckling]
[Belches]
Quite so, Your Majesty.
When our lady drinks her wine...
her eyes will fill with hellish visions.
WITCH: The count will appear as a hideous beast.
Then my magic will compel her to kill him. Ha ha ha.
[Clinking glass]
KING: My dear friends and noble guests.
Thibault, Count of Malfete and Papincourt...
I hereby declare this castle a wedding present.
THIBAULT: Hear ye!
Your Majesty, in every way that I am able...
I will serve my beautiful lady...
and do honor to thy kingdom.
[Guests applaud and cheer]
Drink of my cup... and you will know my thoughts.
And thou wilt know mine.
[Gurgling] Uhh!
My lord?
- Uhh! - Thibault!
ROSALIND: My lord!
[Crazed laughter]
[Thibault groans]
Ohh!
THIBAULT: Ohh!
Aah!
What is it, Thibault?
[Man chanting in Latin]
FATHER: This is not the kind of behavior...
What is happening to you, my son?
Are you crazy? Drunk?
Count Thibault, this is no way to behave...
in an English court!
Beasts from Hell!
[Screaming]
ROSALIND: Ohh! That is my mother!
Thibault, that is my mother!
[Snakes rattling]
[Roars]
Demon!
[Guests screaming]
Oh, no!
No! What have I done?
It is not me. It is witchcraft!
Andre, find me a wizard!
France must pay for this treachery.
Find me a wizard!
[Bell chiming]
[Chime]
PRIEST: Have pity on a poor condemned man.
ANDRE: We are here for the last rites.
[Door opens]
ANDRE: My lord! We have to hurry.
What wizard is this?
He's English, my lord. But his magic is very good.
Your bloody Earl of Warwick did this to me.
Indeed he did.
And he'd have me, too, if he knew that I was here.
I beg you, my sire. Let him save you.
Can you bring my lady back from the dead?
I can reanimate her corpse...
but I don't think that my lord...
would like the way she looks... or smells.
[Groans]
There is another way.
[Crackles]
Time is like a mountain.
Riddled with tunnels.
I can open one of these tunnels for thee...
and return thee to the moment before the murder.
If thy will is strong enough.
Don't you think this priest has had enough time?
Hurry up, Father.
GUARD: Unlock this door! Now!
[Pounding on door]
Drink this potion, my lord...
and thou shalt descend into the Mountain of Time.
Ohh! It smells awful.
You should not drink that.
What if you become a frog, or goat's feet?
You are right.
Drink first, bastard.
THIBAULT: And if you die, I will avenge your death.
What are you doing in there?
[Guard jingles keys]
[Banging on door]
GUARD: Open this door!
Open this door!
It tastes like the shit of the pork.
And he should know.
[Banging continues]
Ohh.
Per Horus et per Ra...
[Grunting and groaning]
WIZARD: Et per Salem...
invictus...
[Groans]
[Thunder]
Ducere!
[Gasps and chuckles]
[Pounding on door]
[Banging on door]
I forgot the grouse eggs.
Oh, it's a disaster.
I've lost them in the corridors of Time.
GUARD: Open this door! Open this door!
BOY: Wow. Cool!
GIRL: This is cool.
This is pretty cool, yeah. Look at them!
TEACHER: Shh.
See the peasant sleeping on the floor?
In those days, people didn't think...
that peasants deserved any better than that...
and they were considered the property of their masters.
Now, the boss of this peasant is the knight.
[Children gasping]
TEACHER: See how beautiful the knight's clothing is?
Miss Rodett, that one is hot, and it just snorted!
[Chuckles] Now, Tammy, that's impossible...
because they're just mannequins...
and mannequins don't snort.
Well, that one just did.
[Inhales]
No, because they're not real.
They're just like... dolls.
TEACHER: Aaah! Oh, shit!
What are you doing in my chamber?
[Screaming]
[Draws sword]
[Screaming]
Aaaah!
ANDRE: Your chamber...
has been cleaved in half, my lord.
This is not the castle!
THIBAULT: What?
Oh, look at this, my sire!
It is Satanic!
Ohh.
[Screaming]
THIBAULT: This is Hell, and we are condemned souls.
Come. We shall find the prince of this netherworld...
and beg his mercy.
Wait for me, my lord!
Dr. Brady, come quick.
GUARD: Two guys with swords and armor...
Miller, you're always overreacting.
BRADY: Now, relax.
There's absolutely no need to...
[Screaming]
Police are on their way.
[Elevator dings]
Peasant, please.
Show me the way out of this prince castle!
Yes!
- Pee-yoo! - Out this way.
- They stink! - Have a nice day.
- Bye. Good luck. - Wait!
[Andre screaming]
Peasant! Wait! Stop!
[Elevator motor running]
[Yelling]
[Elevator dings]
[Bonks cone]
[Alarm blaring]
THIBAULT: What is this? The Gates of Hell!
Look at its eyes of fire!
[Car honking]
ANDRE: Dragon! It's a red dragon!
THIBAULT: Attack!
What the hell are you doing?
ANDRE: Take that, beast!
['Macarena" begins playing in Spanish]
[CD skips and stops]
ANDRE: We have killed it!
THIBAULT: Ah, yes. It is no longer breathing.
God is punishing us for practicing the Black Arts.
Let us pray for forgiveness.
Heavenly Father, forgive us our sins.
ANDRE: We are so, so, so, so, so... so sorry.
[Police radio squawking]
[Knock on door] Dr. Brady?
Ah, Julia. This is Julia Malfete...
who heads up the Medieval Art department.
She donated the famous 12th century castle exhibit.
Julia designed the exhibit where we found the two men.
That stuff right there is the result of the body search.
The big guy had the gold coins...
the sword, the shield, and that ring.
The little guy had the salt pork...
the sausage, the dagger...
a molar.
And that box... which he probably stole.
Not from us.
JULIA: Most thieves take valuable things.
They usually don't bring them.
This is a Gothic pixis...
the kind of design they were making in Canterbury...
at the end of the 12th century.
It has emeralds and rubies.
Why did the two men sleep here?
They could've booked a suite at the Ritz.
So, you said that you got these out of their pockets?
OFFICER: That's right.
Except the sausage.
[Flies buzzing] Hmm. Mm-hmm.
JULIA: This stamp ring is fantastic.
My family's coat of arms.
Sergeant, can I meet these thieves?
ANDRE: Master, I'm hungry.
My tummy rumbles like a beast.
How can you think of food after such tragedy?
Yes.
What I would not give to see once more my precious...
ANDRE: My lord! Look, she's alive!
THIBAULT: Rosalind. My fair Rosalind.
My bride. My ravishing flower.
Mistress! My mistress!
What are you doing?
It is a miracle. A miracle.
Do I know you?
Do you not recognize me, my lady?
I am the Count of Malfete and Papincourt...
the Duke of Anjou.
I am your faithful Thibault.
You're who?
And I am Andre le Pate, valet of the count.
Please, forgive me for what I did to you...
my dear Rosalind.
My name isn't Rosalind. It's Julia.
No! You are my Rosalind.
The lock of hair you gave me on our wedding day.
I carry it over my heart.
Please, my love, see for yourself.
You see?
It is the color of wheat on a summer's day.
The color of candlelight.
THIBAULT: It is your own.
BRADY: Stop this!
- That's enough! - Rosalind!
You'll be safer outside!
THIBAULT: Do not leave me! Do not be afraid!
BRADY: You don't want to see this.
[Yelling and fighting]
Courage is our creed!
[Fighting and grunting]
Wait, stop! I know this man!
"Courage is our creed."
That's our family motto.
This man is my cousin.
It's in here. You see, I thought he was dead.
He disappeared when a storm...
capsized his yacht during the Admiral's Cup.
They never recovered his body...
so, of course, declared him dead.
He was a very distant French cousin of mine...
but as the last living Malfete, I inherited his estate.
If he's your cousin...
what do you want me to do with him?
ANDRE: Sire...
Why does Lady Rosalind call herself Julia...
and allow us to be beaten and chained?
Peasant...
this is not our time.
THIBAULT: The wizard did not send us into the past.
He sent us into the next millennium.
We are thirty generations removed from Malfete.
Julia is not my beloved.
She's my descendant.
Descendant?
Amber, it's Julia.
Could you get me Hunter? It's important.
AMBER: That rabbit of yours is on the phone again.
[Phone beeps]
Hey, bunny. What's up?
JULIA: Thibault Malfete just showed up at the museum.
HUNTER: Thibault Malfete?
That's impossible. Isn't he supposed to be...
- I know. - Are you sure it's him?
He looks exactly like his photos.
JULIA: Hunter, he quoted the family motto.
Does he know yet that we're selling his entire estate?
JULIA: Well, it's hard to say what he knows.
He's a little strange.
Hunter, this is terrible.
I mean, it's wonderful that he's alive...
but it's terrible that we started to sell the estate.
Oh, God, I feel awful.
HUNTER: The English courts declared him dead.
We're well within our legal rights.
How were we supposed to know he was still alive?
Has he mentioned anything about money?
JULIA: Money?
How can you worry about money at a time like this?
No, I'm just worrying about you.
You don't handle surprises well. Where is your cousin now?
He and this friend of his are downstairs with security.
Why don't we bring them home with us tonight?
He's family after all. We want to be hospitable.
You're wonderful.
I'll pick you all up in about five minutes.
Love ya. Bye, bunny.
Bye, big bear.
Oh, my God. Thibault Malfete's still alive.
This is a disaster.
Blah, blah, blah.
You're pouting.
I hate it when you call her bunny.
You, my dear, are so much hotter than a bunny.
My God, look at yourself. You're a tigress.
[Snarls]
Ha ha ha ha ha.
[Amber snarls]
Aah!
THIBAULT: Lady Julia, there has been a terrible mistake.
I'm so sorry. We thought you were dead.
Dead? No, the wizard was a fool, but not a killer.
He only sent us the wrong way.
Excuse me?
We fell into the Mountain of Time.
Wow.
THIBAULT: I must return to my time to prevent...
a great tragedy to our family.
I ask for your assistance.
I'll do whatever I can.
[Sirens, horns, and construction equipment]
Ohh!
[Grunting]
- Awful. - Ohh.
[Siren blaring]
[Gasps]
[Cacophony of city noises]
Whoa!
ANDRE: We must not go out!
What... what are you doing?
What are you doing? No, we have to wait outside.
Hunter can't park here. We have to wait for him.
Oh, my God.
Bloody coward.
[Grunts]
JULIA: We have to...
Those boys are lost.
I must go and retrieve them.
Aaah!
[Yelling]
Aah!
This is England?
- No... - Meat!
This is Chicago.
Meat, meat, meat!
This is the United States.
ANDRE: Meat!
The last I remember was in Sussex, England...
in my castle chambers.
You don't remember anything since then?
No.
Do you think maybe you've suffered...
some sort of memory loss from the accident?
Yes! After I drank the potion, I remember nothing.
- Onions? - All of them!
All right. You like to eat hot dogs, huh?
I like to eat every kind of dog.
Now, what are you doing?
- Aargh! - Leave the dogs!
JULIA: No, no, no. Stop it!
Please, stop.
I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry.
JULIA: He's French.
Yeah. Very.
Hi, honey.
The situation's much worse than I thought.
What are you talking about?
Bonjour.
Holy shit.
JULIA: Hunter, this is Thibault Malfete.
Thibault, this is my fiancé, Hunter.
HUNTER: Pleased to meet you.
- Are you noble? - No. Sorry.
But I can certainly tell that you are.
JULIA: And this is Andre, Thibault's assistant.
Hello, big nose.
THIBAULT: Run behind the chariot, peasant.
Yes, master!
JULIA: He can't run behind the car.
THIBAULT: He cannot ride. He's not noble.
JULIA: Yes, but he has to ride in the car.
- He's very fast. - We're taking the freeway.
- You can run 70 miles an hour? - I have good boots.
JULIA: No. You must sit in the car, please.
- I am fast. - I'm sure you are.
I'd love to see you run sometime.
- Obey. - Yes, my lord.
Do you want some dog?
[Tires squeal]
[Thibault and Andre screaming]
[Cars honking]
[Honking and yelling]
Too fast.
Are you OK, Mr. Pate?
THIBAULT: Ohh. Too fast!
Honey, could you slow down just a little bit?
I'm going 22 miles an hour.
Yes, I know. Could you try going 21?
DRIVER: Hey, what's the matter with you?
You don't know how to drive?
HUNTER: Go.
[Gives raspberry]
What?
It's gonna be fine.
[Vomiting]
[Deep breath]
[Sighs]
Oh, dear. [Clears throat]
[Horn honking]
[Andre and Thibault moaning]
[Grunting]
HUNTER: Get in and open the door.
Let's go inside.
[Dog barks]
Hi, sweetie. Hello, Churchill.
Hello. Come here. Give Mom a high-five.
All right. That's my boy.
Let's go.
[Chuckles]
ANGELIQUE: Like the hat.
[Growls]
WOMAN: Angelique! I need you now!
Come here, peasant.
- Come now! - OK, I'm coming.
WOMAN: Hurry up.
THIBAULT: Ahh.
[Both gasp]
THIBAULT: How did you do that?
THIBAULT: Night.
[Chuckles] Day.
THIBAULT: Night. Day!
I do not have this invention in my castle.
JULIA: You don't have power?
I have the power to judge and condemn to death...
any villain on my land.
Oh. Really?
Hunter will be so jealous.
I'm gonna get you two something to drink.
Make Hunter one of his power-dude smoothie things.
I'd offer you one...
but nobody seems to like them but him.
[Thibault chuckles]
[Vacuum humming]
[Clears throat]
Andre, could you please stop that?
I'm just starting to feel like I'm in a disco.
THIBAULT: My dear lady...
you said you would offer me your assistance.
JULIA: Oh, yes. Anything. What do you need?
I need to find a wizard.
ANDRE: Aah! Sorry, master. Sorry!
- Sorry! - Idiot!
Apologize to the lady!
Oops.
ANDRE: Sorry, master. I ask for mercy.
Forgive him, milady.
JULIA: It's OK. The floor needed to be cleaned anyway.
So, you were saying something about what...
should we say a wizard?
I need to go back into the tunnels of Time.
Of course.
I need to just understand what has happened to you.
Now, your yacht went down in a storm?
No. You must listen.
I am from the time of Thibault VI...
and I have come to the future.
OK. Tunnels of Time. Wizards. Thibault VI.
JULIA: Oops!
Are you OK?
Yes, lady.
THIBAULT: Lovely flower, I see you do not believe me.
It is a pity, but please... try.
[Blender shuts off]
ANDRE: Oh.
Yes. Of course I'll try.
ANDRE: She's green.
I never really did like the taste of this.
Oh, my God. What happened?
JULIA: Nothing.
I'm eating this very good meat...
with vegetables in a fine sauce.
I will shit easy tomorrow.
JULIA: It's jet lag.
All right, I'm sure you would like to wash your hands...
and whatever else.
Why don't you come with me?
All right. Here you go.
Just gonna take this.
Julia! Can I talk to you for a moment, please?
Don't be bashful with the soap.
What is it, master? A throne?
THIBAULT: It could be.
HUNTER: They're crazy!
JULIA: They have been through a terrible ordeal.
They have amnesia.
Amnesia? They're wacked!
They're completely retarded.
They're... Woo! You know?
- Clean water. - Ha ha!
[Sniffing]
The long towel has a good fragrance.
Thibault is my cousin, Hunter. He's my family.
Yeah? I'm not so sure.
He doesn't strike me as being particularly noble.
[Toilet seat banging]
[Both laughing]
Julia, come down here! It's an emergency.
- Very good fountain. - Yes.
Your French relatives are bathing in the toilet.
Oh, my God.
[Turns faucet on]
Toothbrushes.
I'll just leave them right here.
JULIA: I'll be right back.
I'm going to take a shower...
then go tackle that kitchen.
HUNTER: Hurry. Our dinner reservation's at 8:00.
JULIA: Oh! Where are we going?
Latour.
Isn't that just a little formal for our guests?
First you tell me your cousin's nobility...
then you get mad at me when I suggest...
that just maybe, he's not.
Now you're upset because I pick the best restaurant in town.
You make it impossible for me to do the right thing.
No. You're right. Latour's gonna be great.
Thank you, big bear.
- I'll be in the shower. - All right.
Ah. Very good flavor.
This is not wine, ignorant peasant.
It is oil for the bath.
[Chuckling]
Mmm. Very good perfume.
ANDRE: Very creamy.
THIBAULT: Bathe, servant.
No, my sire. I have taken a bath at Christmas.
- Bathe! - No, no!
I'm afraid! I don't want to catch cold and die!
[Andre screaming]
Be silent, peasant!
Ahh.
Do you have another bottle of this bathing oil for Andre?
HUNTER: Do you realize the bath you just took...
cost over $2,000?
That's American dollars.
Is that a lot?
HUNTER: Yes, it is.
Then I will repay you with one of my swans.
HUNTER: Oh, well. That sounds fair.
THIBAULT: My family tree. So many descendants.
[Singing in French]
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
- Hello? - Mr. Cassidy, please.
Yeah. Hold on one second. Hunter?
HUNTER: Yeah, bunny?
Honey, it's your office. Do you want to take it?
- I'll take it upstairs. - Oh, OK.
AMBER: Hello? Hello?
ANDRE: Hello.
AMBER: Hello?
Hello.
Who is this?
I'm Andre le Pate. I have big balls...
and my ass breathes fire.
Wow. That must hurt.
- Hello. - Hello?
HUNTER: I told you never to call me here.
Well, I forgot.
- Hello! Enter! - Somebody there with you?
[Blasting]
- Aah! - Jesus!
HUNTER: Hang up the damn phone, or I'll call the police!
I think he hung up the phone.
It was Thibault’s little retarded homuncular assistant.
Look, this is dangerous.
I'll call you back after Julia goes to bed, OK?
THIBAULT: Lady Julia.
You are more than a rose.
You are love's own flower.
Come on. That's ridiculous.
No, I just... This old thing, I threw it on.
I haven't worn it in a couple of years...
but I guess I should learn how to take a compliment.
Thank you.
Almost.
Thank you.
Much better.
Kissing cousins.
Ooh la la.
I don't think that I've ever seen anyone...
eat a steak in two bites before.
Ah.
ANDRE: Thank you, master!
[Chuckling]
ANDRE: Be blessed!
MAN: I can assure you...
ANDRE: Thank you!
Like some more truffle sauce with that?
[Kissing]
MAN: Excuse me, but the gentleman...
can't eat off the floor.
He's not a gentleman. He's my servant...
and he's not worthy of our company.
Thank you.
I'm truly sorry, sir. Andre, would you please...
ANDRE: No, no, milady. It is not possible.
JULIA: Please.
Thibault, please, will you let him sit at the table?
For me?
I will please you, lovely one.
Obey, foolish wart.
[All applaud]
MAN: Thank you.
HUNTER: And you were worried they wouldn't be comfortable.
[Slurping]
Actually, the floor wasn't such a bad place for him.
Easier to hose down.
ANDRE: Cheese! Very good cheese!
HUNTER: Andre, what are you doing?
What are you doing? Andre? No, no!
- Andre, no. - No. Bad!
HUNTER: Hey. Sit down. Eat this.
JULIA: Hunter, could you...
No. This is for dessert. All right?
Please, sir, please.
HUNTER: I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.
Just add it to the check. All right? Thank you.
You eat this after dinner. All right?
No, it's all right. I'm terribly sorry.
Just add it to the bill. Thank you.
WAITER: All right.
Do I have something on my face?
You remind me of the daughter of a king.
Thank you.
HUNTER: On the subject of Julia's noble ancestry...
you do understand why she was granted control of the estate?
Julia is a Malfete. Everything I have is hers.
So you have no objection if she retains control?
- No. - Wonderful.
I'm sure you'll be very pleased with our plans.
They're going to make us...
I mean you and Julia... very wealthy.
I am already wealthy. I own hundreds of horses...
ten chests of pepper, four hundred bags of wool...
and fifty barrels of Spanish olives.
And you own me, sire.
Yes, but you have no value.
That is true.
[Burps loudly]
Excuse you.
[Passing gas]
Leave nothing for the devil!
- Did you hear that? - Yes, I did, sweetheart.
They're not in very good health, all right?
So, just try to ignore it, if you can.
[Sighs]
- Sire. - What?
I want to make pee-pee.
- Ah! You want to pee? - Yes.
Outside!
Outside? But, sire...
I could be eaten by the wolves.
Find a torch! Idiot.
ANDRE: Find a torch.
Andre has such simple needs. I think that's great.
[Crash]
Need some help, sir?
[Toilet flushes]
Oh, it is beautiful.
The water comes out by itself. Ha!
[Andre laughing]
It is a magic fountain.
Look at this! Mmm.
It smells just like the forest.
ANDRE: All the forest is in the small wheel.
Mmm. Smell it!
No. No, thank you.
You don't want to smell it?
Enjoy yourself.
The castle's a wreck.
HUNTER: So I'm helping her divide the estate up...
into more manageable, profitable chunks.
We're selling the art and various high-end pieces...
through an outlet here.
Essentially, I'm protecting her. I see that as my role.
And the land?
I decided we should sell that, too.
It is not for you to decide.
Only Lady Julia can say what will be done.
I speak for both Julia and myself.
THIBAULT: You cannot possibly speak for a Malfete.
What are your wishes, milady?
Well, um...
I guess I'd like to think about it...
a little bit more, actually.
Julia?
THIBAULT: The lady has spoken!
[People talking]
WOMAN: Chicken salad, now!
MAN: I want that cake. Come on now.
Don't take all night.
Greasy chicken.
HOST: What on earth do you think you're doing?
JULIA: Hi, Andre.
[People gasping]
[Woman screams]
I'm afraid I'm going to have to add an order...
of chicken a la umbrella to your bill.
[Exhaling]
Smell the forest.
Yes, it's minty.
ANDRE: It's from the blue fountain.
JULIA: Nice. Yeah. Oh, all right.
Honey, would you like a mint?
- Yeah. - All right. Good.
- Thibault? - Master.
[All crunching loudly]
[Thibault spitting]
Those are good. Give me another one.
ANDRE: Yes. Very minty.
Ow!
WIZARD: Ah...
Good evening, fine sir.
WIZARD: I'm seeking Thibault of Malfete...
the Duke of Anjou. The great chevalier?
[Guard runs and screams]
[Crash]
Andre does not need a bed.
He will be happy with some straw.
- Yes. - We're out of straw.
My bed is soft.
[Music playing]
ANNOUNCER: It's time for the "Family Feud."
THIBAULT: Aah!
ANDRE: Oh! Poor little people. They're trapped inside!
Oh!
God have mercy. What are we going to do, my sire?
Free them.
ANNOUNCER: Chuck, Marilyn, Norma, Terry, and Linda.
Now let's start the "Family Feud"!
Bunny? You really think these guys have amnesia?
JULIA: I don't know.
ANDRE: We are coming!
So you admit they're clinically insane?
I didn't say that.
HUNTER: Oh, come on!
[Electricity sparking]
Where did they go, my lord?
[Men screaming]
They were inside. We could not save them.
It is tragic.
Well, we never really used this room anyway.
ANDRE: It's a pity.
[Dogs barking]
Aah!
I need to find a wizard now.
Um...
Do you mind if I get some coffee first?
Hi.
Jesus Christ!
I've told you not to leave this stuff...
in the middle of the driveway! What are you trying to do?
You just about broke my goddamn neck!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Do you actually do any gardening around here...
or do you just sing out of tune?
MAN: Just clean it up!
Aah!
Oh! Hey, big belly!
You dare to touch a lady?
MAN: Who the hell are you?
ANDRE: I'm Andre, and I piss on you.
Yeah, well, you get the hell out of here...
or I'm gonna call the cops.
Apologize to the lady.
Lady? You're calling her a...
Lady. Right.
I'm sorry.
ANDRE: Kiss her feet.
- Do what? - Kiss her feet!
Oh, Jesus!
JULIA: Instead of a wizard...
I think what we really need to find you is a good doctor.
Wizards are the best doctors.
What in the world is that?
JULIA: What are you doing?
MAN: Call 911!
What is going on here?
ANDRE: He was very rude to the lady.
Look, fool. A coat of arms.
He is a nobleman.
I did not know. [Kissing]
Stupid peasant.
- Who are these guys? - Visitors.
Do you own this woman?
She works for me.
Then I will hang my valet by his feet on your behalf.
No, please, my lord.
Not by the feet! I prefer the thumbs.
I got a meeting to catch.
THIBAULT: Rise, idiot.
I give him to you for the day.
You may beat him if you like.
Thanks, but we just met.
ANDRE: Thank you, my great and merciful master.
Thank you, milord! Thank you!
THIBAULT: Let us go. We have a wizard to find.
ANGELIQUE: A wizard?
- Are you French? - Yes.
- Do you like it here? - It is very strange.
It smells bad, and the food is too little...
but the ladies are wonderful.
I wish my boss thought like that.
Boss. Ha ha. Boss. What is boss?
The guy you work for. The big guy.
I can have his bones when he's eating.
That is so disgusting.
That's so gross.
You have to figure out a way to get away from him.
He's my master. I don't want to be hung.
Hung!
You're not gonna be hung!
That's completely against the law, OK?
OK. OK!
Yay!
Does he pay a lot of money?
ANDRE: Once every month he permits me...
to hunt pheasants on his lands.
So you make no money?
I have a treasure.
THIBAULT: What do you call that again?
JULIA: The "L".
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Before we get downstairs to the crowd...
I've got this for you. Here's my phone number.
I want you to wear this just in case you get lost.
THIBAULT: I will not get lost.
THIBAULT: You can only be lost if you have no purpose...
and I have purpose, which is to find a...
A wizard. Right.
JULIA: I don't even know where to start with that one.
I mean, I have never met a wizard.
I don't even think they make wizards anymore.
Oh! My purse! Wait, Thibault! Wait!
JULIA: Wait! No!
- Take the purse! - No! No!
He's a thief. I have to cut his hand.
No, no, no!
Please, just take it.
OK. Everything's fine now.
[Crowd gasps and screams]
Hang him in the public square.
- Aah! - Silence, old woman!
You're not helping.
[Woman screaming]
Witch! Old witch! Wait!
I am sorry. I thought you were an old hag.
WOMAN: I've been called worse.
Thibault, why don't you come and tell her...
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Ah, would you happen to know a wizard?
Can you tell me where to find a wizard?
A wizard.
Well.
[Song lyrics indistinct]
THIBAULT: Peasants, which one of you can show me to a wizard?
There will be a reward.
Sir Lancelot here's looking for a wizard.
Aren't we all? Ha ha ha!
THIBAULT: I am not Lancelot.
I am Thibault, Count of Malfete...
Duke of Anjou, Baron of Orleans...
Lord of Libourne.
MAN: Yeah? Well, I'm Sid from Cicero...
Duke of Hazzard, Baron of Billiards...
and Lord of Lord-knows-what...
and I challenge you to a duel.
En garde!
Do not make me kill you.
En garde, I say. You watching this, honey?
[Crowd gasps]
THIBAULT: I should kill you for your insolence...
but I am too thirsty...
so instead, I will quench my thirst...
and yours and yours.
[All cheer]
Drink up!
[Music playing on boom box]
BRADY: Hey.
You're not gonna believe a word of this.
Not a word of it. Guess whose exhibit...
had another visitor last night?
There was sparks flying...
and all sorts of weird noises.
Then there was this poof.
BRADY: Poof.
And a green flash, and then bang, he was there.
Who was there?
- The wizard-looking dude. - Wizard.
MITCHELL: Look.
He burnt the bedspread where he came in.
BRADY: Absolutely shocking.
Wait a minute.
This wasn't here before.
[Humming]
He says he's Julia's cousin.
HUNTER: I say he's a fake.
I want an answer in 24 hours.
See, tiger?
Daddy's gonna take care of this business.
You gonna be nice to me again?
HUNTER: Hello?
Hunter, you're not gonna believe this.
Bunny, I'm right here.
I lost Thibault because he was looking for a wizard.
And then he just freaked out...
Nobody just loses a guy...
dressed like a medieval knight in Chicago.
JULIA: Well, I did.
Wait. Hold on a second.
Hello?
Yeah, does anybody there know...
the Count of whoop-de-do, the Baron of blah...
Yes, I do.
JULIA: Wonderful. Thank you.
All right, I found him. I gotta go.
- I'm so relieved. - Love you. Bye.
[Sighs] So he's back, huh?
Yeah. I was hoping he'd tripped on his cape...
and swan-dived into the Chicago River.
[Thibault singing drunkenly in French]
THIBAULT: Ha ha ha ha!
[Crowd singing in French]
JULIA: Thibault!
Thibault!
[Singing continues]
Everybody, everybody!
This is my great, great, great, great...
great-granddaughter.
[Crowd chattering]
Actually, grand, grand, grand, grand, grandpa and I must go.
CROWD: No!
You have to sing first!
No, I don't...
Yes. You must sing first.
[Crowd laughing]
[Singing in French]
[Crowd joins in]
[Singing] Oui, oui, oui
Have to go, now, now, now
WOMAN: Why?
Yeah. You have to give us a good reason.
I found a wizard.
Well, bring him along!
No, we have to go.
I knew it!
I must leave you now.
MAN: Oh, no, no, no.
So long, Lancelot.
I am not Lancelot.
I am Thibault, Count of Malfete.
[Crowd muttering]
Of course it is that bloody English wizard.
He has followed me through time.
Great. Great. I mean, he probably...
just whipped up some eye of newt potion thingie...
and he waved his hands over it a few times...
and said some words in Latin, and voila!
JULIA: Thibault?
I'm starting to believe you.
I'm starting to believe everything...
and that is a really big leap for a 21st century girl.
I just want you to appreciate that.
OK?
Mm-hmm.
There it is.
Oh, my God.
[Banging on door]
All right. What now?
- Ohh. - Treacherous old fool!
What is this?
I thought you smote her dead.
She's not my Rosalind.
I'm Julia Malfete. Hi.
Oh. Malfete!
She's a descendant!
Ah! All is not lost, my lord.
How long until your magic is ready...
to return me to my rightful time?
Before the sun is set.
THIBAULT: Then let us go now and fetch my faithful servant.
Eww.
Never smelled like this before.
[Sparking]
[Explosion]
[Electricity crackling]
Ohh.
Bloody English wizards.
They cannot do anything right.
[Singing] Woo woo
Ah, here we go
Woo woo
[Chuckles]
- I like your chariot. - Thank you.
[Sniffing]
That's my lipstick.
Ohh, no, Andre. That's so gross.
Hurry up. Spit it out the window.
[Angelique spits]
[Singing] To business give them down and pay
[Angelique grunts] One ruby.
That should do it.
Hmm.
25,000.
[Giggles]
Woo-hoo!
[Trumpeting]
MAN: What is all this horrible noise?
ANGELIQUE: We would love to go shopping.
ANDRE: Oh, big swans!
Oh! Very small chariots!
Like little Matchbox cars.
- Aaagh! - Hey!
Say cheese.
Oh, ohh!
ANDRE: I love these wheel cakes.
ANGELIQUE: Ha! We call them doughnuts.
Andre, you can have as many doughnuts as you want now.
Mmm. Yes.
You can have all of this, Andre.
You could go out and get a really big house.
And you can have a swimming pool.
You can have everything, Andre.
I can only have what my master allows.
That is not true!
This is a democracy. This is America.
You are a free man.
JULIA: Thank you.
There are a lot of good things about living in this time.
You'll be OK here.
I'll make sure of it.
You are lionhearted, Julia...
like the women of your lineage.
You have courage.
[Chuckles]
Lionhearted. No.
No, I don't think so.
Bunnyhearted maybe, but no.
Come outside.
THIBAULT: You will learn to protect yourself.
What are you doing?
Look at me.
Take it like this.
Power in your arm.
- Very impressive. - Take it.
JULIA: Power in my arm.
My arm!
I can't do it. It's too heavy.
Try again.
[Giggles]
[Chuckling]
[Laughs]
[Sighs] I am getting so tired of this.
Sneaking around and lying all the time.
Hey...
Hang in there with me, babe. We are so close.
Take me dancing.
[Dance music playing]
[Singing] Baby
MAN: Hey, watch it! Ah!
I'm sorry.
Look what you've done. Let's go, Kelly.
Come on.
Sorry about that. I'm sorry.
[Singing] Don't panic
Sorry, ma'am.
[Andre growls]
Don't help me. My boss will kill me.
You're a free woman.
Tonight... we dance!
[Singing] Mambo, mambo, eh, eh
Till the break of dawn
Hey
[Laughing]
I dance the rumba
The salsa, the cha-cha, the limbo
The fox trot and even the tango
With ladies and girlies
With mommies and babies
And DJs gonna play this
'Cause it's on their playlist
Mambo, mambo, eh, eh
The babes are all around me
Mambo, mambo, eh, eh
Till the break of dawn
Mambo, mambo, eh, eh
The babes are all around me
Oh, Hunter!
- Angelique. - Where's Julia?
ANDRE: Hunter! Get your groovin'!
Yaah!
Who are you?
Who is she?
- She's my sister. - I am not!
She's very tired now, and she's gotta go home!
[Glass breaks]
Sire Hunter!
Tonight was so great.
Greatest night ever in the world.
[Banging]
[Angelique giggles]
[Laughs]
You make me feel like a lady.
But you are. A great lady.
And you are a great man.
Really?
And if you got a decent haircut...
and learned not to put everything you see...
in your mouth...
I think you'd be a terrific man.
Milady, thank you.
Andre...
what do you say that we quit our lousy jobs...
and go travel around the world?
- Quit? - We could be so happy.
Tonight, just tell your boss that you quit, OK?
- Be free. - Free!
Because I am a free man!
You've got that right, baby!
ANDRE: Master. You are worried.
What is wrong?
The wizard... he exploded.
JULIA: Yes. It wasn't a very pretty sight.
ANGELIQUE: The wizard exploded?
Well, I don't know about you guys...
but good night.
ANGELIQUE: But first...
Andre has something to say to Thibault.
What is it, peasant?
Well, speak.
ANGELIQUE: Nothing. I guess I was wrong.
JULIA: Thibault, he was standing by the river.
The saddest, most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
Hmm. Well...
that Thibault really is a special guy.
Yes. Yes, he is.
That's why I've decided to give the entire estate back to him.
You what?
Honey, did you know that the women of my lineage...
are all lionhearted?
[Sirens blare]
They still haven't brought the stiff down?
I heard somebody say the old geezer's body parts...
are sticking to the ground.
[Grunts]
Best I pull myself together.
[Speaking Latin incantation]
WIZARD: Come on, my little ones.
Well, that feels better.
[Knocks] Can I come in?
HUNTER: What do you got?
INVESTIGATOR: Fingerprints don't match.
Whoever your friend is, he's not this Thibault Malfete...
that died in that sailing accident three years ago.
I knew it.
This is how we're gonna sell it to the cops.
[Banging on door]
OK, OK.
- Ah, hello. - Oh, my...
WIZARD: Well, don't look so astonished.
It's magic.
WIZARD: All I did was cast a little...
Oh. Good day, my lord.
[Grunts]
I do apologize...
Damn wizard. This way.
WIZARD: The trick with pork penis...
is to chop it very fine.
Oh.
[Sniffs] Mmm.
JULIA: Ohh.
Be careful.
If you get that on you...
you'll grow fur.
[Whirring]
[Indistinct singing]
THIBAULT: Peasant!
Peasant!
Get our things ready to go.
THIBAULT: Soon, we will be back in our beloved homes.
Master, my father is a drunkard.
My mother is a hunchback.
My brother is a dwarf, and my sister is a whore.
I do not have any beloved home.
I don't want to go back with you.
I don't want anymore to run behind your horse.
I want to eat wheel cakes and doughnuts.
And I want to have a chariot in iron.
And exciting men's fashions...
direct from Europe at rock-bottom prices.
And I want to...
and... and I want...
and I want to stay here with Lady Angelique.
There you go.
And I want to be free!
I want to be cool and OK!
You are my property.
THIBAULT: You will go back with me dead or alive.
Choose quickly.
JULIA: Thibault...
He only wants what we all want.
He belongs to me.
I decide his fate.
No, master.
I mean, no way, Jose.
JULIA: Please, Thibault. It's the noble thing to do.
[Sighs]
Thank you, Thibault.
Long life to your family.
Yes. Lady Julia...
If you'll allow me...
Sire Hunter's sister left this last night...
in the house of the troubadour.
Sister? He d...
Hunter doesn't have a sister.
Thank you, Andre.
Angelique!
I'm coming!
[Honking]
HUNTER: Hey! Who are you?
Stay here. I will go kill him for you.
No. I want to handle this myself.
What are you doing in here?
What's this?
A 12th century English wizard.
JULIA: Can I talk to you in the other room, please?
Don't touch anything.
JULIA: What's this?
You offended the lady's honor.
Prepare to die.
Did you hear that? He threatened me!
And you're a witness.
HUNTER: You see? He's a violent criminal.
Thank God I called the police.
You called the police?
Julia, this man's a fraud.
All he wants is the money.
No, Hunter, all you want is the money.
It's over.
[Ring clinks]
What?
You couldn't make it through one day without me.
HUNTER: Ah, come on.
You're my little bunny.
Bunny?
Do I look like a bunny to you?
No.
Do I look like a bunny to you?
Nay.
You know what, Hunter? I don't look like a bunny.
I don't act like a bunny.
I don't think like a bunny.
JULIA: And if you loved me...
you wouldn't have made me try to feel like a bunny.
I am strong, and I am smart...
and I don't need you to take care of me.
Oh, really?
Courage is my creed.
Are you insane?
No.
Put that thing away.
You're right. I should.
[Crunch]
[Squeaking] Ow!
Aah!
And stay out!
[Hunter groans]
[Door slams]
[Gasps]
WIZARD: My lord. Remind you of anyone?
POLICE RADIO: All units, be on the lookout...
for a heavily-armed dangerous male...
with kidnap victim female.
Use extreme caution.
[Sirens]
Go, gentlemen.
Don't be afraid to use your guns.
We should check the kitchen.
JULIA: Taxi? Museum of Fine Arts, please.
And quickly, or off with your head.
OFFICER: Hey! They're getting away!
Chief...
I'm going after 'em!
[Tires squealing and siren blaring]
Where are y'all from?
The lady's from here.
The wizard and I are from the 12th century.
Don't lose 'em, O'Malley.
We're right behind you! You stay here.
[Siren blaring]
JULIA: If we get caught, I will verify to the police...
that you are a hostage, OK?
DRIVER: All right. Now we talkin'. Hold on.
[Tires squeal]
THIBAULT: Can we go back in time from here?
We have to go through the same chamber from whence we came.
[Sighs] Good going, O'Malley.
[Cars honking]
- Unh! - Hey!
Damn.
COP: Roadblocks established, State and Michigan.
[Sirens blaring]
[Nickering]
[Neighs]
He's getting away!
[Nickers]
I've never ridden the "L" quite like this before.
COP: A big guy in a metal hat with a blonde?
Oh, man, they're already out of here.
PILOT: Aerial unit 2.
Suspects headed south on Michigan.
[Horses neighing]
Suspects entering museum.
[Kids chattering]
TEACHER: Look, the knight is in his home.
Welcome, knight.
Say hello to the knight.
CHILDREN: Hello, knight.
Please, wait, one second.
I'm sorry, folks, but this exhibit is closed for today...
so you'll have to move on.
Thank you. Thank you.
Shh.
What am I gonna do without you?
JULIA: You're my knight in shining armor.
THIBAULT: Soon you will find a wonderful man to marry.
You will make a long life together.
I had the vision of this.
You are so charming.
I am so proud of you.
And...
when your children are big enough to understand...
I want you to tell them about an old ancestor...
because I am a part of you, and one day...
I will be a part of your children.
[Sirens]
THIBAULT: Here.
A present from your great, great, great, great-grandmother.
[Sniffle]
Wait.
Here.
Will you give this to her for me?
I will.
I promise she'll be the only girl...
with anything like this.
Thank you.
Your Grace...
Aah.
What are they doing?
TEACHER: They're drinking vitamins, obviously.
WIZARD: Per Horus...
Invictus ducere!
[Children screaming]
COP: Where is he? The guy with all the armor?
He's gone.
[Clangs metal]
- Where? - Home.
[Thundering]
[Guests applauding]
[Spurs jangling]
THIBAULT: One moment!
Please.
My dear Earl of Warwick...
in celebration of this happy occasion...
I want to dismiss forever our disagreements.
Please, drink of our wine.
You shall accept this peace offering, Warwick.
I command you.
[Grunts]
Wait!
[Warwick grunts]
[Crowd gasping]
Aaah!
[Thud]
What in heaven's wrong with Warwick?
He did not like the wine.
If he preferred white, he should have said so.
[Guests laughing]
It has been so long since I saw you...
[Speaks French]
When have we been apart, my lord?
When I was with the Lady Julia.
Lady Julia.
She bade me to deliver you this...
wedding gift.
Here.
It is an odd piece, isn't it?
It is before its time.
That's what I'm saying.
Literally, she threw me out of the house...
and took off with the idiots.
HUNTER: Animals.
HUNTER: Uggh.
They poisoned my shake!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
They left some kind of note here.
Some old French parchment.
Well, what does it say?
I don't know, Amber. I don't speak French.
Per Horus et per Ra...
invictus ducere.
Uhh!
Oh, my God. Hunter?
Are you OK?
[Groaning]
Ohhh!
AMBER: Hunter?
Hunter, Hunter, OK, talk to me!
AMBER: Hunter!
[Indistinct muttering]
- Stay away from me! - Aah!
Who are you people? Don't touch me!
[Phone beeps]
Ohh!
[Beeping]
HUNTER: I am a close and personal friend...
of the chief of police.
I am the chief of police!
You'll make a great servant for the count.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
HUNTER: Ow!
[Rings]
[Screams]
MAN: I must tell you that all of us at the firm...
are delighted with your decision to keep the estate intact.
I can't wait to get really acquainted with this place.
We'll go over everything.
I can even show you the dungeon.
Unless you're afraid.
She's not afraid.
Courage is her creed.
How do you know my family's creed?
I know a lot about your family.
MAN: Miss Malfete, this is Francois le Combier.
He's the attorney handling the French interest...
in the estate.
He knows the history of the castle even better than I do.
Francois, perhaps you would like...
to be Miss Malfete's guide today?
FRANCOIS: It will be my great pleasure.
Mademoiselle.
Merci.
[Andre screaming]
CHER SINGING: So let them say your hair's too long
'Cause I don't care
With you I can't go wrong...
I have one small worry.
What's that?
Who's going to protect me from the devil?
Ha ha ha!
You got me, don't ya?
Yes! I got you, babe.
You got me, babe.
Yeah. I got you, babe!
[Singing] I got you, babe
[Both screaming]
I got you, babe
Your time will come
Have you been a fool opposed to the groove?
And have you been a slave to the rhythm?
You've been abused, forgotten, and used
Made quite a few bad decisions
Don't let this happen to you, baby
Look to yourself
See that there is no limit to what you can do
Get it right
Just keep on singin'
La di da di da
The band keeps playin'
La di da di da di da
Just hold your head up
Yeah, what's done is done
The hands are turnin'
I know somehow, some way
Your time will come
Your time will come, yeah
Lost in the silence, don't turn to violence
Make no mistake, there's a heaven
Waiting to greet you, longing to meet you
Don't worry, your time has come
I'll go the distance with you
Only one thing I'm asking
One little task that I want you to do
It's true, it's true, it's true, it's true, it's true
Just keep on singin'
La di da di da
La di da
The band keeps playin'
La di da di da di da
Again, just hold your head up
Yeah, what's done is done
Yeah, yeah
The hands are turnin'
I know somehow, some way
Your time will come
La di da di da
Some way, your time will come
Your time will come, yeah