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Man: WITH THIS RING, BE THOU CONSECRATED
UNTO ME AS MY WIFE.
Rabbi: ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF MOSES AND THE FAITH OF ISRAEL.
ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF MOSES
AND THE FAITH OF ISRAEL.
AND YOU, JUDY, SAY TO YALE THESE WORDS--
TAKE THE RING.
Rabbi: THIS RING IS A SYMBOL THAT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND...
THIS RING IS A SYMBOL THAT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND...
AND A SIGN OF MY LOVE AND DEVOTION.
IN THE PRESENCE OF THIS COMPANY AS WITNESS,
YOU HAVE SPOKEN THE WORDS AND PERFORMED THE RITES
WHICH UNITE YOUR LIVES.
I THEREFORE DECLARE YOU, YALE AND JUDY,
HUSBAND AND WIFE.
STEP.
[BREAKS GLASS]
MAZEL TOV.
Crowd: MAZEL TOV.
[APPLAUSE]
[PLAYING HAVA NAGILA]
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG]
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ V'NISM'CHA ♪
♪ HAVA NAGILA ♪
♪ V'NISM'CHA ♪
[CONTINUES SINGING]
♪ ARE THE STARS ♪
♪ OUT TONIGHT? ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S CLOUDY OR BRIGHT... ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I ONLY HAVE EYES ♪
♪ FOR YOU ♪
♪ JUDY GOODMAN ♪
WHAT, YOU HAVE A LATE DATE?
NO, BUT, SWEETHEART, I TOLD YOUR UNCLE PHIL
I'D MEET HIM A HALF-HOUR AGO.
HE WANTS ME TO LOOK OVER HIS LEASE.
OH, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WORK NOW
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY?
OH, I'M NOT GOING TO WORK,
BUT HE THINKS HE'S GOING TO BE EVICTED.
LET ME JUST TALK TO HIM FOR A MINUTE.
I'LL BE BACK.
OK?
THANKS FOR MARRYING ME.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
PEANUT, GET ME A PERRIER WITH A TWIST, WILL YOU?
HI.
ARNIE.
SO YOU DID IT, HUH?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MARRIED GOODMAN
WHEN YOU COULD'VE HAD ME.
COULD'VE LIVED WITH YOU, ARNIE--
BIG DIFFERENCE.
JUDY?
JUDY.
WHAT?
LOOK WHO I FOUND--
MR. WAXMAN THE UPHOLSTERER.
OH, MR. WAXMAN.
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU WITHOUT NAILS IN YOUR MOUTH.
JUDY, I BROUGHT A LITTLE SOMETHING
I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE.
♪ ...FOR YOU ♪
OH!
MR. WAXMAN, YOU FINISHED THE OTTOMAN.
OH, YALE WILL BE THRILLED.
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IS THIS?
IS THIS MUSHROOM PIPING?
LOOKS A LITTLE BEIGEY TO ME.
MA, THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT COLOR, IS IT?
BEN...
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MUSHROOM?
THAT'S AS CLOSE AS YOU'RE GOING TO GET
TO MUSHROOM IN PHILADELPHIA.
MR. WAXMAN, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS A ZILLION TIMES.
I TOLD YOU I'M DOING YALE'S STUDY IN MUSHROOM.
I'M POSITIVE YOU COULD'VE FOUND
A LITTLE MUSHROOM FABRIC--A YARD.
YOU WANT IT?
I'LL GET IT.
THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.
OK.
WHEELS?
MR. WAXMAN, I WANTED UPHOLSTERED BALLS.
UPHOLSTERED BALLS?
COME ON, PEANUT.
HONEY, WHERE ARE WE GOING? MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.
YOUR FEET WILL BE FINE.
I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU, OK?
SO, WHAT? YOU WANT A DIVORCE ALREADY?
DARLING, I HAVE A VERY BAD HEADACHE.
WELL, HONEY, IT'S NO WONDER.
YOU'VE BEEN DANCING ALL NIGHT.
LET ME GET SOME TYLENOL FROM MOMMY.
SWEETHEART, IT'S NOT A TYLENOL HEADACHE.
HONEY...
PLEASE?
HONEY, NOT HERE.
WHAT? COME ON.
WHY? BECAUSE EVERYBODY I KNOW IS 10 FEET AWAY.
SWEETHEART, THEY'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.
PLEASE?
I KNOW, HONEY. I'M IN MY DRESS.
WHAT? YOUR DRESS IS FINE.
COME ON. COME ON, SWEETHEART.
COME ON. PLEASE, SWEETHEART.
OH, HONEY.
PLEASE?
KISS ME FIRST.
OK.
OK?
OK.
OH, SWEETHEART.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
HI, YALE.
HI.
Man: JUDY'S ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD GIRL. ALWAYS.
WE KNOW SHE MADE A MISTAKE WITH HER FIRST HUSBAND,
BUT THAT'S ANCIENT HISTORY.
THE SMARTEST THING SHE EVER DID, YALE,
WAS TO MARRY YOU.
THAT'S REAL NICE. THANK YOU, TEDDY.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR A FATHER TO KNOW
HIS DAUGHTER'S GOING TO BE WELL TAKEN CARE OF.
DON'T LAUGH.
YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER GETS MARRIED.
ANYWAY, THAT'S NUMBER ONE.
NUMBER TWO--
ARE YOU STILL COMING TO BREAKFAST EVERY SUNDAY?
OF COURSE, DADDY.
GOOD, THEN PICK UP THE WHITEFISH ON YOUR WAY OVER.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU TWO
A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM MOTHER AND ME,
JUST TO BRING YOU A LITTLE EXTRA HAPPINESS.
I GUESS IT'S NOT CARPETING FOR THE LIVING ROOM.
OH, MY...
THAT'S FOR THE FUTURE, NOT LORD AND TAYLOR,
YOU UNDERSTAND?
OH, MY GOD!
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THANK YOU, DADDY.
TEDDY, YOU'RE AMAZING.
IT'S MY PLEASURE, YALE.
JUST USE IT IN GOOD HEALTH.
THANK YOU. JESUS.
I GOT TO SHOW MY MOTHER. SHE'LL GO CRAZY.
HERE. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
JEEZ.
JUDE, GET ME A CIGARETTE.
TV: ...BOB BOONE DOUBLED BOWA TO THIRD,
BOTH GETTING IN TO SCORE
ON A DOUBLE TO RIGHT BY GARY MATTHEWS.
COMING BACK INSIDE, DADDY?
I JUST WANT TO SEE THE RECAP OF TONIGHT'S GAME.
SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU HERE?
...CEDENO, WHO SCORED ON A SACRIFICE FLY BY CABELL.
SO THE PHILLIES, IN WINNING THEIR FIFTH...
DAD?
DADDY?
OH, GET ME A MATCH, DOLL.
...AND BY 2 OVER PITTSBURGH,
BUT IF THE PHILLIES CLOSE OUT THE HOME STAND...
OH, THANKS.
THEN THEY FACE A TOUGH 13-GAME ROAD TRIP
THAT TAKES THEM OUT TO THE WEST COAST
WITH A STOP IN ST. LOUIS ON THE WAY BACK HOME.
SO CARLTON WINS HIS 13th. HE'S LOST 3.
JERRY, LISTEN TO ME. IF YOU CALL HER,
YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW UP EVERYTHING.
THAT'S MY JOB, ALL RIGHT?
NO, TO CALL HER.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?
ALL RIGHT, SEE, ANYTHING MORE THAN 15 YEARS,
YOU LOSE THE HOUSE.
IT'S NOT MY RULE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
SHE WON'T GET THE BOAT.
THE BOAT'S A MALE ITEM.
UH-HUH. YEAH. I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
PRENUPS IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET AROUND THIS,
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO LATE. NEXT TIME.
OH, GIVE HER THE MICROWAVE. IT'S A BUILT-IN.
IT COMES WITH THE HOUSE. JUST GIVE IT TO HER.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH ONE OVEN?
MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
IT'S LATE NOW. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
6:30 MONDAY MORNING, WE'LL PLAY RACQUETBALL.
WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT THEN. CAN YOU WAIT TILL THEN?
HONEY, WE'RE GOING TO BE IN JAMAICA MONDAY.
OH, I'M GOING TO BE ON MY HONEYMOON MONDAY.
I'LL CALL YOU FROM JAMAICA.
I DON'T KNOW, FROM THE HOTEL.
OK.
NO, YOU'LL BE HALVED AT WORST.
YOU'RE OK.
PRENUPS, BABE. OK.
OK, BYE.
HONEY, THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN TO US.
I KNOW.
DID THIS BATHROOM TURN OUT GORGEOUS?
THIS ASS IS GORGEOUS.
OOH. COME HERE. COME HERE.
WHAT, HONEY? NO, WAIT.
OK, WAIT, HONEY.
YALE...
JUST WAIT.
LIFT YOUR BACK LEG.
I DON'T HAVE A BACK LEG, YALE.
HONEY, IT'S OUR WEDDING NIGHT, YOU KNOW?
IT'S NOT REAL ROMANTIC MAKING LOVE IN THE SINK.
HONEY, IT'S ROMANTIC MAKING LOVE ANYWHERE.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
WHY DON'T WE GO INTO THE BEDROOM, HONEY?
IT'S SO NICE IN THERE.
NIX, NIX, NIX.
JUST--JUST HERE, HONEY.
OH, GOD.
GOOD, SWEETIE. OH, GOOD.
YALE. YALE.
OH, GOOD, HONEY.
OW. OW! HONEY, YOU'RE ON MY HAIR, BABY.
LET GO OF MY HAIR.
OK, SWEETIE.
HOW'S THAT?
OK, GOOD.
GOOD, HONEY.
NICE, NICE.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
GOOD, HONEY.
NICE. OH, HONEY.
OH, HONEY.
WHAT?
YES.
OH, SWEETIE.
WHAT?
OH, HONEY, I'M COMING.
[CLIPPED CHOKING SOUNDS]
[EXHALES]
[SIGHS]
HONEY?
WHY DON'T WE GO AND GET IN BED?
YALE?
O GOD, FULL OF COMPASSION,
THOU WHO DWELLEST ON HIGH,
GRANT PERFECT REST ONTO THE SOUL OF YALE GOODMAN,
WHO HAS DEPARTED FROM THIS WORLD.
LORD OF MERCY, BRING HIM INTO THY PRESENCE
AND LET HIS SOUL BE BOUND UP
IN THE BOND OF ETERNAL LIFE.
AMEIN.
I CANNOT TRY TO CONSOLE YOU, JUDY,
BY SAYING THERE IS ANY JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD.
JUST BE THANKFUL FOR THE FRIENDSHIP AND TENDERNESS
YOU AND YALE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE.
MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
HAS GOTTEN ME THROUGH SOME VERY ROUGH TIMES.
LET ME SHARE IT WITH YOU.
QUE SERA, SERA.
I GOT IT FROM THE SONG.
[CRYING]
JUDITH?
JUST ONE THING--
IF YOU CAN REMEMBER,
WHAT WERE YALE'S LAST WORDS?
"I'M COMING."
I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS, JUDY,
BUT YOU GOT TO GET RIGHT BACK INTO CIRCULATION.
WHEN YOU FALL OFF THE HORSE,
YOU GOT TO CLIMB RIGHT BACK ON.
OH, AUNT KISSY, PLEASE.
CAN I BE ALONE NOW?
I'M SORRY.
SHE WANTS TO BE ALONE.
[WOMAN WHISPERING] She wants to be alone.
Teddy: Oh, she wants to be alone.
She doesn't want to live in their place.
Woman: I can't blame her.
You should sell everything and buy her a new one.
Buy her a new-- She'll live with us.
What if she doesn't want to live with you?
She doesn't know what she wants.
What's she going to do now?
Be my secretary again?
The girl's 29 years old
and trained to do nothing.
I'M 28.
LOOK WHAT WE GOT.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Judy: I'VE NEVER NOT BELONGED TO SOMEBODY.
NEVER.
MY FIRST BOYFRIEND WAS IN NURSERY SCHOOL.
I WAS 2, AND HE WAS 3,
AND SINCE THEN,
I'VE BEEN PINNED,
LAVALIERED,
ENGAGED,
MARRIED TWICE.
FIRST TIME, I WAS 20.
SEE, I--I'VE BEEN IN THIS ROOM 8 DAYS,
AND IT'S--IT'S REALLY
THE FIRST 8 DAYS I'VE EVER BEEN ALONE
IN MY LIFE.
IF--IF I'M NOT GOING TO BE MARRIED,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF.
DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE UNMARRIED WOMAN?
Man: UH-HUH.
WELL, I DIDN'T GET IT.
I MEAN, I WOULD'VE BEEN MRS. ALAN BATES SO FAST,
THAT GUY WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN WHAT HIT HIM.
AND THE THING IS-- AND THEN, I'LL SHUT UP--
IS THAT...
I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG,
AND I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PUNISHED.
I MEAN, I--
I--I THOUGHT I'D BE FILLING UP MY FREEZER,
AND THAT I'D BE GETTING THIS NEW PINE SIDEBOARD
THAT I ORDERED, AND...
OH, GOD.
[SOBBING]
OH, GOD.
Man: JESSICA?
I DO HATE TO INTERRUPT YOUR FREE ASSOCIATION,
BUT OUR SWITCHBOARD IS GOING CRAZY.
SO SET YOUR PHONE DOWN
AND TURN YOUR RADIO UP, OK?
HELLO. NIGHT OWL. YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
Woman: NOW, LOOK, IF YOU ASK ME, YOU LUCKED OUT.
I READ IN THE ENQUIRER THIS MORNING
THAT MARRIAGE CAUSES CANCER.
WELL, THANK YOU.
PHILADELPHIA NIGHT OWL. YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
Man: ABOUT THAT PALESTINIAN HOMELAND--
NOW, IF YOU'LL CHECK YOUR BIBLE,
YOU'LL SEE THAT THE ARABS
HAD FIRST DIBS ON THE WEST BANK.
NOT TONIGHT, DELL, THANK YOU.
LINE 4, YOU GOT SOME ADVICE FOR JESSICA?
Man: YES, I DO.
HI, JESSICA, MY NAME'S JIM.
Judy: HI.
JESSICA, FIRST, JUST LET ME SAY
HOW TERRIBLY SORRY I AM ABOUT YOUR MISFORTUNE.
NOW, NOBODY KNOWS BETTER THAN YOU
THAT THINGS CAN'T GET MUCH WORSE.
IT'S ALSO PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT YOU NEED GUIDANCE,
SECURITY, GOOD FRIENDS,
AND A HEALTHY DOSE OF SELF-CONFIDENCE.
YES.
NOW, WHAT I'M SAYING IS
I THINK I CAN HELP YOU FIND A NEW LIFE.
UH, ARE YOU JESSICA?
JIM?
YEAH. HI.
HI.
AM I LATE OR YOU EARLY?
UH, I'M JUST A FEW HOURS EARLY.
HA HA HA HA. COME ON.
THANK YOU.
I SHOULD TELL YOU MY NAME ISN'T JESSICA.
IT'S JUDY.
I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY I KNEW
TO HEAR ME ON THE RADIO, YOU KNOW?
MACHT NICHT.
WHAT?
"IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE" IN GERMAN.
I WAS STATIONED OVER THERE FOR 26 MONTHS.
Jim: WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE TO YOU?
WHAT, CLUB MED?
IT'S FORT ORD ARMY BASE IN MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA.
THOSE LOOK LIKE CONDOS.
MM-HMM,
AND EVERY SOLDIER GETS HIS OR HER OWN PRIVATE ROOM.
WHAT ARE THESE, YACHTS?
THE ARMY IS THE BEST-KEPT SECRET IN THE WORLD, JUDY.
LOOKS GREAT,
BUT, YOU SEE, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
I'M NOT--I'M NOT THE ARMY TYPE.
FORGET THAT OLD BROWN-BOOT IMAGE OF THE ARMY.
IT'S THE ARMY OF THE EIGHTIES.
YOU'D LOVE IT. ALL THE LADIES DO--
ALL 89,000 OF THEM.
HERE. CHECK OUT THIS LIST OF JOBS.
THERE'S OVER 300 JOBS THERE,
AND ONLY A COUPLE NOT OFFERED TO THE LADIES--
TRAINED KILLERS, STUFF LIKE THAT.
HOW MUCH DO YOU EARN NOW PER MONTH?
NOW?
NOTHING.
NOTHING?
NOTHING.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
[CRYING]
I'M THINKING ABOUT...
MY FAMILY,
AND MY HOUSE...
AND ALL THE GIFTS I HAVE TO RETURN.
HEY, HEY. NOW, JUDY,
YOU SHOULDN'T BE SADDLED WITH A LOT
OF RESPONSIBILITIES AND DECISIONS NOW.
NOW, I'M PREPARED TO OFFER YOU $458 A MONTH,
TRAIN YOU IN THE JOB OF YOUR CHOICE,
PAY FOR YOUR FOOD, YOUR HOUSING,
ALL YOUR MEDICAL,
AND GIVE YOU A 30-DAY PAID VACATION.
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
A LADY WITH YOUR EDUCATION AND BACKGROUND
COULD EASILY LAND AN ASSIGNMENT IN EUROPE.
EUROPE?
YEAH, I--I DO NEED TO GET AWAY.
AND WE'LL GET YOU IN THE BEST PHYSICAL SHAPE
YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN IN YOUR LIFE.
IT'D BE LIKE 3 YEARS AT LA COSTA.
LA COSTA.
THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT IF I HATE IT ONCE I GET THERE?
QUIT. IT'S A JOB, LIKE ANYTHING ELSE.
[SNIFFLES]
I...
All: I...
STATE YOUR FULL NAME...
JUDY BENJAMIN...
DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR OR AFFIRM...
THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND...
THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES...
AGAINST ALL ENEMIES, FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC...
THAT I WILL BEAR TRUE FAITH AND ALLEGIANCE...
TO THE SAME...
AND THAT I WILL OBEY THE ORDERS...
OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES...
AND THE ORDERS OF THE OFFICERS APPOINTED OVER ME...
AND THE ORDERS OF THE OFFICERS APPOINTED OVER ME
ACCORDING TO THE REGULATIONS.
ALL RIGHT.
MY NAME IS SERGEANT L.C. ROSS,
AND I'M GOING TO BE YOUR DRILL SERGEANT
FOR YOUR 6-WEEKS BASIC TRAINING.
MY JOB IS TO TURN YOU LOVELY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
INTO UNITED STATES SOLDIERS.
NOW, THE FIRST THING WE'RE GOING TO DO
IS PUT YOU THROUGH YOUR IN-PROCESSING.
WHILE YOU ARE WAITING IN LINE FOR YOUR PROCESSING,
YOU WILL NOT, I REPEAT,
YOU WILL NOT BE FLAPPING YOUR LIPS.
YOU WILL BE FILLING OUT THESE FORMS.
NOW, I'M GOING TO CALL OUT YOUR NAMES,
AND I WANT YOU TO LINE UP BEHIND ME.
Men: 1, 2, 3, 4!
ABBOTT!
BARNETT!
BENJAMIN!
SIR--
FALL IN, BENJAMIN.
I'M PRIVATE WINTER,
BUT I BELIEVE I CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE
IN LOCATING PRIVATE BENJAMIN.
SIR.
BENJAMIN?
ARE WE AT THE FORT?
YES, WE ARE.
TIME TO WAKE UP NOW.
OH, IN A SEC.
GET YOUR ASS UP AND OUT ON THE COMPANY STREET!
AAH!
WELL, I NEVER.
GIVE ME 10 PUSH-UPS! START KNOCKING THEM OUT!
DO YOU MIND IF I CHECK INTO MY ROOM FIRST?
ASSUME THE POSITION AND HIT IT!
NOW!
UP, DOWN!
UP, DOWN! UP!
AAH!
WHAT IS THIS, HELL WEEK?
NO, BENJAMIN.
THIS IS THE ARMY.
MOVE IT ALONG. MOVE IT ALONG.
MOVE IT OUT, RIGHT NOW.
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
IS GREEN THE ONLY COLOR THESE COME IN?
CLOSE IT UP BACK THERE, YOU MEATHEADS!
GO ON!
PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP!
CLOSE IT UP!
CLOSE UP THAT FIELD BACK THERE!
COME ON! MOVE IT!
WHERE ARE THE YACHTS?
[TALKING]
EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU A REPORTER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
WHO, ME?
YEAH.
NO.
I JOINED UP, BUT I'M NOT STAYING.
THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.
I'LL STRAIGHTEN IT OUT WHEN THE MANAGER GETS HERE.
MAN ON THE FLOOR!
YOU PEOPLE LINE UP IN FRONT OF YOUR COTS AT ATTEN-HUT!
GET UP HERE.
Woman: SHH SHH SHH.
BARRACKS READY FOR INSPECTION, CAPTAIN.
[SOBBING]
AH, WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY?
ARE YOU A CRYBABY?
NO, SIR.
MA'AM!
I KNOW HOW ALL YOU LADIES DROOL OVER THIS, UH,
THIS FONZIE CHARACTER.
NOT IN MY OUTFIT.
BURN IT, ROSS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SOLDIER?
PRIVATE WINTER, MA'AM.
UH-HUH.
OUTSTANDING, WINTER, OUTSTANDING.
LADIES, EXAMINE PRIVATE WINTER'S LOCKER.
LEARN FROM IT.
YOU KEEP THIS UP
AND WE'LL TALK OFFICER'S CANDIDATE SCHOOL.
MA'AM, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
THIS BRASSIERE ISN'T REGULATION, ROSS,
AND NEITHER IS THIS FACE.
NOW, YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOWN, SOLDIER.
CLEAN UP YOUR ACT.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
GIANELLI'S A 308, MA'AM.
OH.
OH, SO IT WAS THE ARMY OR JAIL, HUH?
WELL, AFTER 6 WEEKS WITH ME
YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU'D CHOSE ATTICA.
[POPS GUM]
OH, DON'T PUSH ME, PUNK.
SERGEANT ROSS,
THIS IS THE MOST PATHETIC GROUP OF TRAINEES
I HAVE EVER LAID MY EYES ON.
MA'AM.
LADIES,
MY COMPANIES ARE THE BEST-TRAINED,
THE BEST-DISCIPLINED SOLDIERS ON THIS BASE.
EXCUSE ME.
HUH?
UM...
I HATE TO INTERRUPT YOU,
BUT, UM, COULD I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A SEC?
OH, MY LORD, SERGEANT, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?
I'VE SEEN IT, MA'AM.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PRINCESS, HUH?
JUDY.
JUDY?
JUDY BENJAMIN.
UM, AHEM...
I THINK THEY SENT ME TO THE WRONG PLACE.
UH-HUH.
SEE, UH, I DID JOIN THE ARMY,
BUT I JOINED A DIFFERENT ARMY.
I JOINED THE ONE WITH THE CONDOS
AND THE PRIVATE ROOMS.
WHAT?
NO, REALLY, MY--MY RECRUITER
JIM BALLARD TOLD ME--
I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOUR LOUSY RECRUITER TOLD YOU, BENJAMIN.
NOW I'M TELLING YOU THERE IS NO OTHER ARMY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO GO TO YOUR BOSS.
I JUST WANT TO BE TRUTHFUL WITH YOU.
I CAN'T SLEEP IN A ROOM WITH 20 STRANGERS.
OH, DEAR.
AND I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
THE ARMY COULDN'T AFFORD DRAPES?
I'LL BE UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN HERE.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
I AM FRANKLY A LITTLE SHOCKED.
YOU'RE SHOCKED?
YES.
WHY?
THIS PLACE IS A STY.
IT'S A STY?
YEAH. I MEAN LOOK. LOOK AT THESE STAINS.
GOD KNOWS WHERE THIS HAS BEEN.
AND HAVE YOU SEEN THE BATHROOM?
WELL, UH, DO YOU THINK THAT THE LATRINE--
DO YOU THINK THAT IT'S UNSANITARY?
OH, IT'S DISGUSTING.
DISGUSTING.
THERE ARE URINALS IN THERE.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THIS IS THE ARMY.
BENJAMIN, IT'S NOT A SORORITY HOUSE.
UM, MAY I SEE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?
PLEASE?
[ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH WHIRRING]
[WATER POURING]
YALE, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
YOU COULD EAT OFF THAT FLOOR.
WHY DON'T YOU?
[CLANGING]
REVEILLE DRILL! REVEILLE, LET'S GO!
EVERYBODY, UP! EVERYBODY, UP!
MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
EVERYBODY, UP! EVERYBODY, MOVE!
MOVE!
EVERYBODY, BENJAMIN!
OH, GOD, YOU CAN'T MEAN ME.
I WORKED A NIGHT SHIFT.
GO CHECK OUT THE BATHROOM.
IT'S FABULOUS.
AAH!
ALPHA COMPANY, ATTEN-HUT!
BRAVO COMPANY, ATTEN-HUT!
[YAWNS]
AT EASE, GENTLEMEN.
LADIES.
I'M YOUR POST COMMANDER,
COLONEL CLAY THORNBUSH,
AND I WANT TO PERSONALLY WELCOME
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
TO THE BILOXI, MISSISSIPPI, BASIC TRAINING CENTER,
THE BACKBONE OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY.
YOU HAVE 2 OUTSTANDING COMPANY COMMANDERS
TO LEAD YOU THROUGH BASIC.
CAPTAIN DOREEN LEWIS, A 5-YEAR VETERAN
HERE AT FORT BILOXI OF ALPHA COMPANY.
AND A NEWCOMER TO THE BILOXI FAMILY,
CAPTAIN WILLIAM WOOLDRIDGE, BRAVO COMPANY.
AT FORT BILOXI WE TURN OUT THE BEST-FED, BEST-DRESSED,
BEST-TRAINED SOLDIERS IN THE WORLD,
BUT IT DOESN'T COME EASY.
DOES NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.
FIRST, YOU MUST PROVE THAT YOU HAVE THE PHYSICAL STRENGTH,
THE SELF-DISCIPLINE,
AND THE MENTAL STAMINA NECESSARY
TO MEET THE HIGH STANDARDS OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY.
THE NEXT 6 WEEKS WILL BE THE TEST.
IT'LL BE HELL...
BUT YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU MADE THE TRIP.
YEAH.
MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
LEFT, LEFT,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT!
LEFT, LEFT,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT!
I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE LIKE EXERCISE CLASS.
A FEW LEG-LIFTS, A LITTLE STRETCHING,
MAYBE A DISCO CLASS.
YOU'RE NOT REAL TALKATIVE, ARE YOU, SOYER?
SEE, WE RUN 'EM OUT,
AND THEN WE MARCH 'EM BACK.
THEN ABOUT, UH, OH, TWICE A WEEK,
I SPRING A SURPRISE INSPECTION ON 'EM.
THAT'S GOOD ARMY.
YEAH.
KEEPS 'EM ON THEIR TOES.
MM-HMM.
GOT ONE MORE QUESTION.
SHOOT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING FRIDAY NIGHT?
WELL, UH...
[HORN HONKS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
FORWARD, HO!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[EXPLOSIONS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[COUGHING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
AAH!
LOOK OUT, GIANELLI!
AAH!
OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
THEY'VE BROKEN ME. I'M QUITTING.
GIRL, YOU CAN'T QUIT THIS ARMY.
I CAN. THE RECRUITER TOLD ME.
QUIT ANY TIME I WANT.
OH, JESUS, BENJAMIN, YOU STILL BELIEVE YOUR RECRUITER?
IT'S ONLY FOR 3 YEARS.
Ross: COMPANY, HALT!
AAH!
COME ON, MOVE IT, BENJAMIN!
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU STOP RUNNING
UNLESS YOU COLLAPSE, FAINT, OR PUKE!
[RETCHING]
OH, I HAVE NEVER LOOKED WORSE IN MY LIFE.
HAS ANYBODY EVER DIED FROM BASIC?
EXCUSE ME.
GIANELLI.
UH, I THINK YOU TOOK MY BLANKET.
THIS IS MY BLANKET.
YOU GAVE IT TO ME.
I DON'T THINK I DID.
MAYBE YOU JUST FORGOT.
MAYBE YOU GOT BRAIN DAMAGE.
OK, OK, I GAVE IT TO YOU.
I GAVE IT TO YOU BY MISTAKE.
NOW I WANT IT BACK, OK?
TAKE IT.
AAH!
Woman: HEY, A FIGHT. A FIGHT!
WOW.
WHERE YOU GOING?
HOME.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN REAL SOON.
HOW ABOUT EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT?
I'M GONNA SET YOU FREE, DOREEN.
[CAR APPROACHING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
CAPTAIN LEWIS, MA'AM, WE'VE GOT TROUBLE.
OW!
OH, OUCH!
MY HAIR!
BENJAMIN, YOU ARE NOT FIT TO WEAR THAT UNIFORM!
NO SHIT!
Judy: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I DIDN'T ASK HER TO PUNISH EVERYBODY.
YOU THINK I LIKE SCHLEPPING IN THE RAIN
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT?
JUST KEEP MARCHING, BENJAMIN.
MY NAME IS JUDY.
J-U-D-Y, JUDY,
AND I'D LIKE SOMEBODY TO CALL ME BY MY NAME.
HEY, JUDY!
OH, OK, I TOOK MY LIFE INTO MY OWN HANDS.
I MADE A MISTAKE. FINE, I'M SORRY.
I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
I WANT TO WEAR MY SANDALS,
AND I WANT TO GO OUT TO LUNCH.
I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN.
WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT UP, BENJAMIN?
GOD, I HAVE NEVER IN ALL MY BORN DAYS
MET SUCH A WHINY CANDY-ASS AS YOU!
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE ARMY.
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE ARMY!
DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE ARMY!
WELL, WE DO, OK?
WE CAN'T AFFORD ANY MORE TROUBLE ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.
I THOUGHT YOU AND I COULD BE FRIENDS, BUT YOU--
OH, MAN, FORGET IT.
WHAT? I'M WHAT?
YOU'RE THE MOST INSENSITIVE PERSON I'VE EVER MET.
THAT IS SO UNTRUE!
I NEVER GO TO SOMEONE'S HOME EMPTY-HANDED.
PEOPLE LOVE ME.
PLATOON, HALT!
FALL OUT!
BENJAMIN!
REPORT TO THE DAY ROOM
ON THE DOUBLE!
OH, GOD, THEY DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS YOU.
HI, MOM.
HI, DADDY.
SIT DOWN, JUDY.
I WAS GONNA CALL,
BUT I WASN'T FEELING VERY GOOD.
8 DAYS.
OUR DAUGHTER DISAPPEARS FOR 8 DAYS
WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD.
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDNAPPED.
WE HAD THE FBI OUT LOOKING FOR YOU
WHEN WE GET A CALL FROM SOME STRANGER
TELLING US HOW FINE YOU ARE
AND THAT YOU'D ENLISTED IN THE GODDAMN ARMY.
WE TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHY.
PERSONALLY, I THINK YOU'VE GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE.
THAT'S WHAT WE TOLD EVERYONE.
WE SAID THAT YOU'D, UH, YOU'D HAD A COLLAPSE
AND THAT YOU WERE IN A MENTAL HOME.
PEOPLE THINK I'M IN A MENTAL HOME?
WELL, WHAT SHOULD WE HAVE TOLD THEM?
THAT YOU'RE LIVING IN AN ARMY BARRACKS IN MISSISSIPPI
WITH A BUNCH OF-- A BUNCH OF--
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT!
THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE IT.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR PARENTS, HUH?
HAVEN'T WE DONE ENOUGH FOR YOU?
HAVEN'T WE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED?
DID I GET YOU A CAR ON YOUR 16th BIRTHDAY?
DID I GET YOU INTO COLLEGE?
DID I BAIL YOU OUT OF YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE
TO THAT SCHMUCK, DID I?
TEDDY, RELAX.
I AM RELAXED!
RELAX.
WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING US, HMM?
MAYBE YOU HATE US.
I DON'T HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
YOU KNOW YOUR AUNT KISSY IS LIVING WITH US NOW?
WHY?
BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER'S HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!
YOU WERE NEVER A SMART GIRL,
AND WE'RE ALL GONNA STOP PRETENDING NOW.
YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS.
ALL RIGHT.
STARTING TOMORROW, I DO NOT LET YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT.
AND I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU CRY.
AH, THE BENJAMINS.
CAPTAIN LEWIS. MR. BENJAMIN
AND MRS. BENJAMIN,
IT IS SO GOOD TO MEET YOU FINALLY IN PERSON.
MR. BENJAMIN.
CAPTAIN LEWIS SAID WE COULD TAKE YOU HOME.
I'M SORRY,
BUT THINGS JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT HERE FOR JUDY.
SHE'S A--SHE'S A HARD WORKER,
AND, UH, SHE'S VERY-- UH, SHE'S POPULAR
WITH ALL THE OTHER GIRLS.
WE ARE SAD TO SEE HER GO.
NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN RIGHT HERE
ON THE DOTTED LINE,
YOU'RE AS GOOD AS HOME, YOUNG LADY.
RIGHT THERE.
HERE, DARLING. HERE YOU ARE.
COME ON, DARLING. HERE, TAKE IT.
NO, THANKS.
I THINK I'LL STAY.
CAPTAIN LEWIS.
MOM...DADDY...
♪ AIN'T NO SENSE IN LOOKIN' BACK ♪
♪ JODY'S GOT YOUR CADILLAC ♪
♪ AM I RIGHT OR WRONG? ♪
♪ YOU'RE RIGHT ♪
♪ AM I GOING STRONG? ♪
♪ YOU'RE RIGHT ♪
♪ SOUND OFF ♪
♪ 1, 2 ♪
♪ SOUND OFF ♪
♪ 3, 4 ♪
♪ BREAK IT ON DOWN ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4 ♪
♪ 1, 2 ♪
♪ 3, 4 ♪
♪ AIN'T NO SENSE IN LOOKIN' DOWN ♪
♪ AIN'T NO DISCHARGE ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ AM I RIGHT OR WRONG? ♪
♪ YOU'RE RIGHT ♪
♪ AM I GOING STRONG? ♪
♪ YOU'RE RIGHT ♪
♪ SOUND OFF ♪
♪ 1, 2 ♪
♪ SOUND OFF ♪
♪ 3, 4 ♪
♪ BREAK IT ON DOWN ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4 ♪
♪ 1, 2 ♪
♪ 3, 4 ♪
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
[CHEERING]
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!
BREAK IT! LET'S GO!
♪ OUGHT TO BE IN HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ AM I RIGHT OR WRONG? ♪
♪ YOU'RE RIGHT ♪
♪ AM I GOING STRONG? ♪
♪ YOU'RE RIGHT ♪
♪ SOUND OFF ♪
♪ 1, 2 ♪
♪ SOUND OFF ♪
♪ 3, 4 ♪
♪ BREAK IT ON DOWN ♪
♪ 1, 2, 3, 4 ♪
♪ 1, 2 ♪
♪ 3, 4 ♪
WELCOME TO THE BILOXI WAR GAMES...
THE SUPER BOWL OF BASIC TRAINING.
SIMULATED COMBAT WILL TEST THE SKILLS AND THE COURAGE
OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
CAPTAIN WOOLDRIDGE WILL LEAD THE RED TEAM,
CAPTAIN LEWIS, THE BLUE TEAM.
I WILL BE OBSERVING THE EXERCISES FROM THE AIR.
GOOD LUCK... AND FIGHT PROUD!
All: YEAH!
FIGHT PROUD!
All: YEAH!
FIGHT PROUD!
All: YEAH!
THOMPSON, HYPE, KATZ, BYRON, RICHTER.
YOUR OBJECTIVE IS TO CAPTURE AND BLOW UP
THE RED TEAM'S COMMUNICATIONS CENTER.
BE AWARE. THERE ARE MINEFIELDS OUT THERE.
MOST OF THEM ARE INERT.
HOWEVER, SOME ARE "ERT."
TAKE OFF.
PRIVATE WINTER!
WINTER, YOU WILL SERVE AS CAPTAIN LEWIS' AIDE DE CAMP.
SIR, YES, SIR!
TEAM C--GIANELLI, GLASS, MOE, BENJAMIN, SOYER.
YOUR OBJECTIVE IS TO GUARD THIS AREA HERE.
EXCUSE ME, DRILL SERGEANT,
WHAT IS THAT AREA?
THAT'S THE SWAMP.
SWAMP? SWAMP.
Ross: TAKE OFF.
SWAMP.
NO! GOD!
[GRUMBLING]
TRYING TO GET MY BEARINGS.
TINA, IF YOU CAN'T READ THAT MAP,
I DON'T SEE WHY YOU JUST DON'T SAY IT.
GOD DAMN IT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE POINT MAN.
LOOK, BENJ POINTED ME IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.
WELL, WHAT AM I, MAGELLAN?
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE GUARDING HERE
ANYWAY, THE ALGAE?
LET'S JUST GO STRAIGHT NORTH.
WE JUST CAME FROM THE NORTH.
FINE. LET'S GO SOUTH.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
RELAX. IF WE CAN'T GET BACK BY TOMORROW,
THEY'LL SEND A SEARCH PLANE FOR US.
DO WE HAVE ENOUGH BODIES TO SPELL THE WORD "HELP"?
LET'S GO.
[LAUGHING]
THE FIRST TIME I EVER DID IT...
[GIGGLING]
WELL...
IT WAS ON AN OVERNIGHT HIKE WITH MY BIBLE CLASS.
HA HA HA! GOD!
WE'RE TALKING LE EMIL LeFEVRE,
PREACHER'S SON. WHOA, NELLY!
HA HA HA!
I HAD NEVER DONE NOTHIN' IN MY LIFE BEFORE.
NOTHIN', YOU KNOW?
AND HE JUST CLIMBED RIGHT SMACK DAB INTO THE MIDDLE
OF MY SLEEPING BAG, AND I WAS SCARED.
NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HIS DADDY THE PREACHER
WAS RIGHT OVER THERE, JUST ABOUT 10 FEET AWAY.
HOW WAS IT?
[WHISPERS] Quiet...
BUT VERY NICE. VERY NICE.
I HAD AN ORGASM ONCE.
HEY! ALL RIGHT!
TELL! COME ON!
BUT I WAS ALONE.
OHH... OHH...
WELL, THE BEST OF US HAVE BEEN ALONE.
HA HA HA! HA HA HA!
WELL...
ONCE...
WHEN I WAS WITH MY FIRST HUSBAND,
I GOT TO THIS PLACE THAT WAS KIND OF...
NICE AND TINGLY...
AND, UM...
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS OFFICIAL--
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF THIS
WAS AN OFFICIAL, LIKE, ORGASM, YOU KNOW,
BUT...
I COUNTED IT AS ONE FOR 5 YEARS.
HA HA HA!
HOW MANY TIMES YOU BEEN MARRIED, BENJAMIN?
TWICE.
MMM. MMM.
THE FIRST TIME FOR 6 WEEKS,
AND THE SECOND TIME FOR 6 HOURS.
6 HOURS?
MY HUSBAND HAD A HEART ATTACK
AND DIED ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
WHAT? WHAT?
MY HUSBAND HAD A HEART ATTACK
AND DIED ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
OHH.
WHILE WE WERE MAKING LOVE.
HOLY SHIT.
JESUS, BENJAMIN. I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER A THING LIKE THAT?
JOIN THE ARMY.
Judy: WE'RE LOST.
WE'VE PASSED THAT SAME ALLIGATOR 7 TIMES.
Moe: I BET THE WAR GAMES ARE OVER BY NOW.
LEWIS IS GONNA JUST KILL US.
HEY, THERE'S A PLANE!
YOU KNOW, I BET THAT'S HEADED BACK TO BASE.
COME ON. LET'S FOLLOW IT.
I HOPE IT'S NOT DELTA TO MIAMI.
Look, it's the Red Army Headquarters.
Quiet.
Let me do that.
Great.
You owe me 6.95.
You got it.
God.
HEY, BLOOD, HOW YOU DOIN'?
ALL RIGHT. LOOKING GOOD.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, GIRL?
OH, YOU KNOW, WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?
BUT YOU'RE MY PRISONER OF WAR, SUCKER,
AND THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.
I AIN'T YOUR NOTHING. GET THAT THING OUT--
I MEAN WHAT I SAY.
DROP IT!
Judy: NO, YOU DROP IT.
I SAID DROP IT!
WHERE'S CAPTAIN WOOLDRIDGE?
IN THE COMMAND TENT INTERROGATING A P.O.W.
MOE, GET THE KEYS TO THE TRUCK.
COME ON.
OH, SHIT. [WATER SPLASHES]
DON'T WORRY. I'LL HOT-WIRE IT.
YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?
IT'S MY FORMER CAREER.
EXCELLENT.
[WOMAN MOANING]
WHAT?
Woman: AHH! OHH!
[WHISPERING] Let's go.
FREEZE!
[GASPS] PRIVATE WINTER!
WELL, LOOKIE HERE, BENJAMIN.
LOOK WHAT WE GOT.
BENJAMIN, LISTEN, CAPTAIN LEWIS,
SHE SENT ME OUT TO FIND YOU GUYS,
AND, WELL, I GOT CAPTURED.
NOW, HE PROMISED ME
HE'D PUT IN A GOOD WORD WITH CAPTAIN LEWIS,
AND I--I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM AT ALL.
TAKE THE PRISONERS.
Benjamin: ATTENTION ALL RED TEAM PERSONNEL...
THE BLUE TEAM HAS SURRENDERED. THE RED TEAM HAS WON.
FOLLOW US.
ATTENTION ALL RED TEAM PERSONNEL...
THE BLUE TEAM HAS SURRENDERED,
THE RED TEAM HAS WON. FOLLOW US.
[CHEERING]
Field Judge: RED TEAM CAPTURED!
ROSS, TAKE THE PLATOON.
HEAD DUE WEST.
I'LL LEAD THE REMAINING TROOPS TO THE EAST.
UH-OH.
WHAT NOW?
GOT ANY IDEAS, ROSS?
OFF YOUR ASSES, ON YOUR FEET.
OVERWHELMING ENEMY FORCES APPROACHING.
BLUE TEAM COMPANY COMMANDER
REQUESTS PERMISSION TO SURRENDER, SIR.
RED TEAM, DO YOU ACCEPT SURRENDER OF BLUE TEAM?
NO, SIR, WE DO NOT, SIR,
BECAUSE WE ARE ALSO THE BLUE TEAM, SIR.
IDENTIFY YOURSELF, SOLDIER!
SIR, PRIVATE BENJAMIN, SIR.
AT EASE.
WHICH ONE OF YOU IS PRIVATE BENJAMIN?
SIR, I AM, SIR.
OUTSTANDING.
THANK YOU, SIR.
AND THIS IS THE REST OF THE SQUAD.
PRIVATE GLASS, PRIVATE GIANELLI,
PRIVATE MOE, AND PRIVATE SOYER, SIR.
WHERE'S THE RED TEAM COMPANY COMMANDER?
GIANELLI, GLASS.
[CHEERING AND CATCALLING]
CAPTAIN LEWIS, YOU ARE LUCKY
TO HAVE TROOPERS LIKE THIS UNDER YOUR COMMAND.
CONGRATULATIONS.
NEXT TIME, DON'T BE SO QUICK TO RAISE THE WHITE FLAG.
YES, SIR.
NOW THE WAR GAMES ARE CONCLUDED,
TROOPS ARE DISMISSED.
I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW AT GRADUATION.
PRIVATE BENJAMIN.
YES, SIR!
CAN I OFFER YOUR TEAM A LIFT?
YES, SIR!
I WANT YOU TO MEET 2 OF OUR THORNBIRDS--
LIEUTENANT GOMEZ AND SERGEANT CHASE.
HI. HOW YOU DOIN'?
OH, GOD, FABULOUS UNIFORM!
WHAT'S A THORNBIRD, SIR?
WELL, IT'S SORT OF AN ELITE AIRBORNE CORPS.
WE RECRUIT THEM FROM THE BEST BASES
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
I'M DAMN PROUD OF THEM!
JUST LIKE I'M PROUD OF YOU GIRLS.
A HELL OF A JOB YOU DID TODAY.
THANKS.
WHERE DO YOU HAIL FROM, BENJAMIN?
UH, PHILADELPHIA, SIR.
HEY, PHILADELPHIA! HEY! HEY!
THE SEAT OF OUR DEMOCRACY, HUH?
THORNY II IS FROM PHILADELPHIA.
THORNY II, SIR?
MY WIFE.
AFTER ALL OF 20 YEARS
WATCHING US CRAZY GUYS JUMP OUT OF AIRPLANES,
SHE FINALLY DECIDED SHE WANTED TO TRY IT.
REMEMBER THAT, ED?
WE TOOK HER UP,
PRACTICALLY HAD TO SHOVE HER OUT THE DOOR.
OH, SHE HAD A GOOD TIME,
BUT PUNCHED HER CARCASS WRONG, BROKE HER ARM IN 3 PLACES.
LUCKILY WE DIDN'T HAVE TO SHOOT HER. RIGHT, GUYS?
HA HA HA!
Ed: WE'RE APPROACHING, SIR.
TAKE HER DOWN.
YOU TRUST ME, DON'T YOU, BENJAMIN?
OH, YES, SIR!
THEN LET'S DO IT TO IT!
OH, GOD!
TELL YOUR MEN TO HANG ON, BENJAMIN!
HANG ON, MEN!
WHOO!
OH, GOD!
♪ MY SISTERS AND ME ♪
♪ COME ON AND SING IT TO ME ♪
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ GET UP, EVERYBODY, AND SING ♪
♪ GET UP AND SING IT TO ME ♪
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ WE'RE HAVING LOTS OF FUN ♪
♪ I GOT ALL MY SISTERS AND ME ♪
♪ AND SING IT, SING IT TO ME ♪
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ GET UP, EVERYBODY, AND SING ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ I GOT ALL MY SISTERS AND ME ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ YOU ALL BELIEVE IT ♪
♪ GET UP, EVERYBODY, AND SING ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ NOW, NOW, NOW, OH, OH ♪
♪ I GOT ALL MY SISTERS AND ME ♪
♪ YEAH... ♪
ATTEN-HUT!
♪ I GOT MY SISTERS AND ME ♪
♪ GET UP, EVERYBODY, AND SING ♪
♪ GET UP, GET UP AND SING ♪
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ HEY, HEY, HEY-- ♪
[SLURRED] WHOOP-DE-DO.
INSPECTION, LADIES.
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, LADY LUCK.
DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE BABY BLUES.
I'M NOT THE GREAT THORNY.
WELL, YOU FINALLY SUCCEEDED IN MAKING A FOOL OUT OF ME,
DIDN'T YOU, JUDY BENJAMIN?
MA'AM, YES, MA'AM.
WELL, I'VE GOT A REWARD FOR YOU, MY LITTLE HERO.
YOU'RE ALL GONNA SCOUR EVERY INCH OF THIS RAT'S NEST.
INSIDE AND OUT, AND I MEAN...
I MEAN THE BED FRAMES, THE WINDOW LEDGES,
THE LINOLEUM...
THE TOILET SEATS...
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
Winter: MA'AM, YES, MA'AM.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
All: MA'AM, YES, MA'AM.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
All: MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!
THANK YOU.
IT BREAKS MY LITTLE OL' HEART
TO HAVE TO BUST UP OUR WINNING TEAM,
BUT I HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED TO A NEW POST.
A GOOD POST!
LET'S NOT KEEP IN TOUCH, SHALL WE?
[TAPS PLAYING]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUTTERING]
Lewis: ...LOVELY SOFT POST.
COME ON.
GOOD POST.
"LET'S NOT...
KEEP IN TOUCH, SHALL WE?"
AAH!
[ARMY BAND PLAYING]
Thornbush: AT EASE.
DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE IT, DID YOU?
[CHUCKLING]
YOU WILL NO LONGER BE KNOWN AS TRAINEES.
ALL RIGHT. WHOO!
YOU HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO CALL YOURSELVES UNITED STATES SOLDIERS,
AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
YEAH.
ON MONDAY, YOU WILL RECEIVE
YOUR ADVANCED INDIVIDUAL TRAINING ASSIGNMENTS.
EACH OF YOU...
[SNICKERING]
WILL BE GIVEN A SPECIAL RESPONSIBILITY
WHICH WILL PLAY A KEY ROLE
IN THE DEFENSE OF THE FREE WORLD.
MY HEARTFELT CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST WISHES.
I ALMOST FORGOT.
DISMISSED TILL 0800 MONDAY MORNING,
AND HAVE A GOOD ONE!
[CHEERING]
[JAZZ BAND PLAYING]
OOH.
OH, WOW. THAT'S COOL.
WELL... GOOD EVENING, LADIES.
WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.
SORRY. SORRY.
BENJAMIN!
ALL RIGHT, I'M UPTIGHT, OK?
GET YOURSELF A DRINK. WE'RE GONNA CRUISE.
SOYER, COME HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUDY BENJAMIN, THIS IS JOHNNY ROURKE.
HELLO. HI THERE.
AND KIM--I FORGET YOUR LAST NAME.
OSAKA.
HELLO. HOW DO YOU DO?
COME ON, SWEETHEART, LET'S GO.
SO...
WHAT'S HAPPENING, JUDY?
Man: OH, EXCUSE ME.
BOURBON, NO ICE.
Kim: I'M WITH OY VIDEO, TOKYO.
JOHNNY IS MY SOUTHEASTERN U.S. SALES MANAGER.
HE ALWAYS SHOWS ME A HIP TIME.
HEY, JUDY...
WHAT TIME IS IT?
I JUST TOOK YOUR PICTURE, MAMA!
VERY HIP.
WELL, LOOK, I'VE GOT TO GO BACK TO THE BASE.
HEY, JUDY, WHERE'S THE FIRE?
COME ON...
THIS COULD BE A BIG NIGHT FOR YOU.
SINCERELY.
JUDY?
LIZ?
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M FINE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
OHH... LISTEN, UM, THANKS,
BUT I DON'T NEED THE LOAN.
SO, TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN NEW ORLEANS?
MY FATHER'S HERE ON A MEDICAL CONFERENCE,
SO WE ALL CAME DOWN.
COME SEE THEM. THEY'LL DIE.
WAIT, WAIT. WHO IS THAT WITH YOUR PARENTS?
OH, HE'S A FRENCH GYNECOLOGIST.
HE AND MY FATHER SPOKE ON THE LAMAZE PLAN TOGETHER.
HE'S TOTALLY GORGEOUS, ISN'T HE?
TOTALLY.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR JEFFREY, I'D GO FOR HIM MYSELF.
LOOK WHO I FOUND!
JUDY! MY GOD!
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M FINE.
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL!
COME GIVE ME A HUG!
THANK YOU. OH!
SIT DOWN.
OHH.
HENRI TREMONT.
BENJAMIN, JUDY.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS? G.I. JUDY.
WE'RE CALLING YOUR PARENTS THE SECOND WE GET HOME.
THEY'LL BE SO THRILLED THAT WE SAW YOU.
YOUR MOTHER'S COMING ALONG VERY NICELY.
SHE GAINED BACK SOME OF THE WEIGHT.
CHAMPAGNE?
I'D LOVE SOME. THANK YOU.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE YALE'S FUNER--
UH, BY THE WAY,
I CAN'T GET OVER YOU IN THIS ARMY OUTFIT.
THIS IS A GIRL WHO DIDN'T GET IN THE POOL
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GET HER HAIR WET.
THIS IS TRUE.
TELL US WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A WAC.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT A WAC.
SO, HOW OFTEN DO YOU TALK TO YOUR FOLKS?
TELL HENRI HOW LONG WE'VE KNOWN YOUR PARENTS.
OH, ABOUT--
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT?
YES.
LEO AND I AND JUDY'S PARENTS
DOUBLE-DATED IN ATLANTIC CITY
WAY BEFORE EVEN ANY ONE OF US WAS MARRIED.
IT WASN'T ATLANTIC CITY, IT WAS ASBURY PARK,
BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ASBURY PARK IN MY LIFE!
DARLING, WE'VE DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE.
NO, WE HAVEN'T. I KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
I'D LOVE TO DANCE.
THE LEMISHES ARE REALLY TERRIFIC PEOPLE,
BUT 4 HOURS OF MAKING LONG STORIES SHORT
IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
4 HOURS? TRY 28 YEARS.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, I'VE NEVER DANCED WITH A SOLDIER BEFORE.
WELL, I'VE NEVER DANCED AS A SOLDIER BEFORE.
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
SO DO I.
YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND IN THIS ARMY?
NO.
DON'T YOU GET LONELY?
HOW DID YOU LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH SO WELL?
BALTIMORE. MARYLAND?
YES. I WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL AT JOHNS HOPKINS.
TRES BIEN.
PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
OUI, JE PARLE FRANCAIS UN PEU.
UM, JE MANGE...
TU MANGES...
NOUS--VOUS MANGEZ, NOUS MANGEONS--
VOTRE ACCENT EST TRES BON.
THANK YOU.
HUH.
I--I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE IN THIS ARMY.
WELL, IF I KNEW YOU BETTER, I'D SHOW YOU MY DOG TAGS.
HOW MUCH BETTER?
Oh, God, I don't believe this.
LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.
OH, GOD...
HENRI, I'M...
I'M REALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU,
BUT I'M NOT READY TO MAKE LOVE TO A MAN
I JUST MET AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO.
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.
USUALLY BY THE TIME I KISS A GUY,
I ALREADY KNOW HIS MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME.
WISH I KNEW YOU BETTER.
I'M 34...
AND I LIVE ALONE IN NEUILLY.
IT'S ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF PARIS.
I'M AN ONLY CHILD...
AND MY FATHER IS ALSO A DOCTOR.
WHAT ELSE?
WHEN I'M NOT WORKING, I PLAY SOCCER.
LET'S SEE, UH...
I'M JEWISH.
AHH!
OOH!
OOH...
[SIGHS]
OH.
NOW I KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN FAKING ALL THESE YEARS.
THAT WAS YOUR FIRST?
AND SECOND.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
JUST TO GET A SIP OF CHAMPAGNE.
I WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
[GIGGLING]
WHOOPS.
MMM! OOH!
OH! OH, I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M NOT.
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT?
"PRIVATE BENJAMIN."
MEETING YOU TONIGHT WAS...
IT WAS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
MMM.
OH...WHAT YOU NEEDED?
OHH.
IF YOU'RE EVER IN PARIS.
IF YOU'RE EVER IN BILOXI.
REALLY, I...
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
WHOO!
SHIT.
HEY, WHAT DID YOU GET?
MP SCHOOL.
GREAT! YOU CAN PUT YOUR VIOLENCE TO GOOD USE.
HEY! SMOKE AND FLAMES SPECIALIST.
WHAT IS THAT?
FIREMAN! OH!
I GOT TRANSFERRED TO FORT ORD, CALIFORNIA.
OH, MY GOD, YOU GOT THE YACHTS, HONEY.
SHE GOT THE YACHTS!
WHAT?
O.C.S.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE AN OFFICER.
THERE GOES A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.
OH, SHUT UP! WHAT DID YOU GET?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M PETRIFIED.
EXCUSE ME.
OK, WHERE'S "BENJAMIN"?
RIGHT THERE.
THORNBIRDS?!
ME?!
THEY DON'T HAVE WOMEN THORNBIRDS.
THEY DO NOW.
♪ ZUM, ZUM, ZUM, ZUM ♪
♪ I WAS A SKINNY FRIGHTENED LAD ♪
♪ NO MORE THAN 17 ♪
♪ THE SORRIEST EXCUSE FOR A MAN ♪
♪ THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN ♪
♪ BUT NOW I AM A THORNBIRD ♪
♪ AND AS PROUD AS I CAN BE ♪
♪ COLONEL THORNBUSH MADE A MAN OUT OF ME ♪
♪ ZUM, ZUM, ZUM, ZUM ♪
♪ GLORY, GLORY, I'LL BE FALLING THROUGH THE SKY ♪
♪ GLORY, GLORY, I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE ♪
♪ GLORY, GLORY, I'M AS PROUD AS I CAN BE ♪
♪ COLONEL THORNBUSH MADE A MAN OUT OF ME... ♪
PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO.
I DON'T--WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
♪ GLORY, GLORY, I'LL BE FALLING THROUGH THE SKY ♪
♪ GLORY, GLORY, I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE ♪
♪ GLORY, GLORY, I'M AS PROUD AS I CAN BE ♪
♪ COLONEL THORNBUSH MADE A MAN OUT OF ME ♪
♪ LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT ♪
[CHANTING CADENCE]
WELL, BENJAMIN.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
LIKE YOU TO MEET MY WIFE.
HI. GOOD TO MEET YOU, MRS. THORNBUSH.
AND IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU, MISS LADY THORNBIRD.
I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
I GUESS THIS IS THE THORNDOG.
SHAKE, SCRABBLE.
OH, GAD, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS ABOUT THE BIG JUMP TOMORROW.
THE COLONEL SAYS I CAN DO IT, MA'AM.
I GUESS I CAN.
YOU KNOW THE COLONEL'S MOTTO--
"LIFE IS A SERIES OF CHALLENGES...
TO BE MET AND MASTERED."
YES!
I HOPE YOU CATCH A CLOUD, BENJAMIN.
NOT A FEELING LIKE IT IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
YOU'RE IN A VEIL OF WHITE,
NOT A SOUND EXCEPT THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART.
IT'S GODLIKE.
YEAH.
YOU MUST BE VERY SPECIAL, BENJAMIN.
THE BIG T IS A GREAT JUDGE OF CHARACTER.
COME ON, MOTHER, WE'D BETTER STOP GABBING.
LET THIS SOLDIER GET SOME CHOW.
GOOD-BYE, SIR.
COLONEL?
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR CONFIDENCE IN ME.
I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU DOWN.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 13,000 FEET, BENJAMIN, OK?
OY VAY.
Thornbush: LET'S GO! THIS ISN'T FOR PLAY ANYMORE!
LET'S GO! GO! GO!
GO ON AND SOAR! YOU'RE A THORNBIRD!
GO! HERE WE GO!
COME, BENJAMIN, LET'S GO!
THROUGH THE DOOR! LET'S GO, BENJAMIN!
COME ON, BENJAMIN! LET'S GO!
GO, BENJAMIN! GO! LET'S GO! GO!
NO! I CAN'T!
YOU CAN DO IT! TRUST ME!
I CAN'T.
YES, YOU CAN!
I'M ASHAMED TO SAY IT, BUT I'M AFRAID TO DIE!
I'M AFRAID, COLONEL THORNY!
TAKE IT EASY.
NO. I CAN'T!
I'M AFRAID MY CHUTE WON'T OPEN!
I DON'T KNOW WHO FOLDED IT!
WOULD YOU CALM DOWN, BENJAMIN?
WHAT IF I FALL UPSIDE DOWN?
I COULD VOMIT IN MIDAIR--
TAKE IT EASY!
OH, GOD! I'M NOT A GREAT BIRD, SIR!
I TRIED TO BE MACHO,
BUT THOSE GUYS ARE BETTER AT BEING MEN THAN I AM.
WOULD YOU RELAX, BENJAMIN? YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUMP!
I DON'T?
NO. TAKE IT EASY, GIRL. SHAPE UP!
YEAH. YEAH.
YOU BETTER?
YEAH--YEAH, I FEEL BETTER.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUMP.
OH, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS IN WHICH YOU CAN SERVE.
MMF!
MMF! MMF!
HAPPY, DARLING?
OH, YOU WANT IT, BENJAMIN. YOU KNOW YOU DO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I CAN SMELL FEAR IN ANY MAN AND PASSION IN ANY WOMAN.
NO!
YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT, BENJAMIN!
OH, MY GOD, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING TO ME!
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU NOW, BENJAMIN.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
SUDDENLY, I FEEL A LITTLE NAUSEOUS.
COME TO PAPA.
I DON'T THINK SO, SIR, BUT THANKS ANYWAY.
AAH!
MY GOD, OPEN, PLEASE!
AAH!
OH.
AT EASE, BENJAMIN.
I'M GLAD YOU MADE IT BACK IN ONE PIECE.
LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THAT LITTLE INDISCRETION YESTERDAY IN THE AIR.
IT WAS AN UNFORGIVABLE BREACH OF DISCIPLINE.
AND TASTE, SIR.
YEAH, WELL...
I HOPE IT HASN'T SOURED YOU ON THE MILITARY.
THE ONLY QUESTION NOW SEEMS TO BE
HOW LONG YOU CAN CONTINUE BEING A THORNBIRD.
HOPEFULLY NOT TOO LONG, SIR.
UNDERSTOOD.
THAT'S WHY I'VE ASKED TO HAVE YOU PUT ON
SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT,
TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER POST.
A SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT ON THE GROUND, I HOPE, SIR?
A DESK JOB IN PROCUREMENT.
PROCUREMENT?
THAT'S PURCHASING.
I'VE GOT YOUR ORDERS. YOU LEAVE AT 1500.
[SIGHS]
GREENLAND?
WHAT, PENGUINS? FORGET IT.
I WAS IN THE FIRST WAVE WITH THE RANGERS
AT NORMANDY ON D-DAY.
IN 1952, I WAS STANDING WITH MY TROOPS
ON THE BANKS OF THE YALU RIVER,
WAITING TO GO.
THE FIELD TELEPHONE RANG. IT WAS DOUG MacARTHUR.
"COME ON HOME, THORNY. IT'S NOT OUR YEAR."
NOW, I AM A GOOD LEADER-- NO, I AM A GREAT LEADER!
AND I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, HONEY.
YOUR ASS IS GOING TO GREENLAND FOR A REASON.
I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE YOU
SHOOTING YOUR MOUTH OFF ALL OVER BILOXI,
BLEMISHING MY RECORD WITH INNUENDO.
INNUENDO? TRY RAPE.
HOW ABOUT GUAM?
MY HAIR WILL FRIZZ.
OKINAWA.
MALARIA?
PASS.
WE HAVE BASES ALL OVER THE WORLD.
Judy: DEAR GLASS,
HELLO FROM BELGIUM.
SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME SO LONG TO WRITE,
BUT I'VE BEEN INCREDIBLY BUSY.
S.H.A.P.E. IS AN AMAZING PLACE,
THE TOP MILITARY HEADQUARTERS IN EUROPE--
DEFINITELY THE MOST EXCITING DUTY A SOLDIER COULD PULL.
MY M.O.S. IS PURCHASING SPECIALIST,
THE ONE JOB I'VE TRAINED FOR ALL MY LIFE.
MY SUPERIOR IS A TERRIFIC GUY,
A TURKISH OFFICER NAMED LIEUTENANT RAHMI.
HOWEVER, THE BEST THAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT HIS ENGLISH
IS THAT IT'S BETTER THAN MY TURKISH.
[TURKISH ACCENT] BENJAMIN. COME.
SIT.
BENJAMIN,
I NEED THE INFORMATION ON THE DRIVING COURSES.
DRIVING COURSES?
YES, SIR, I'M WORKING ON THAT NOW, SIR.
EXCELLENT.
I WANT YOU TO READ IT TO THE COUNCIL.
YOU WANT ME TO READ IT TO THE COUNCIL?
DO YOU WANT ME TO READ IT TO THE COUNCIL?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[ADOPTS ACCENT] PRIVATE BENHAMIN--BENJAMIN.
Judy: I FOUND A CHARMING APARTMENT
THROUGH AN AD IN STARS AND STRIPES.
IT'S RIGHT OVER A BAKERY, HAS A HOT PLATE,
WARM AND COLD RUNNING WATER,
AND ALL THE CROISSANTS I CAN EAT.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY VERSAILLES, BUT IT'S HOME.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS,
I FEEL THAT THINGS ARE REALLY GOING MY WAY.
I FINALLY GOT UP THE NERVE TO PAY HENRI A SURPRISE VISIT.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT.
GOD, I HOPE HE REMEMBERS ME.
MY LOVE TO MOE AND GIANELLI,
VOTRE AMIE, PRIVATE B.
UH, LET'S SEE.
JUST GOT INTO TOWN.
I'M FEELING KIND OF LONELY.
OH, NO, DON'T SAY LONELY.
OH, GOD.
HENRI?
JUDY.
HI.
Henri: I KNOW, IT'S A GREAT HOUSE,
BUT DON'T BE IMPRESSED. IT'S A HAND-ME-DOWN.
[HONKS HORN]
BONJOUR.
MORNING.
9:00. GOD, I HAVEN'T SLEPT THIS LATE IN 3 MONTHS.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I PLAY SOCCER ON SUNDAY MORNINGS.
[HORN HONKS]
OH, MERDE, I'M LATE.
WELL, I HAVE TO GO ANYWAY.
NO, NO, NO, DON'T-- DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, PLEASE.
PLEASE STAY. I WANT YOU TO BE HERE WHEN I GET BACK.
BE BACK BY 3:00, REALLY.
I'M GOING TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU TO MY FAVORITE BISTRO.
WE WILL LISTEN TO SOME NICE ITALIAN JAZZ.
[DOG BARKING]
Henri: MAX.
HEY, HEY.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
HELLO, BABY.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
OH, HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
SIT.
THAT DOG IS DEAF.
[YELLS IN FRENCH]
[HORN HONKS]
WAIT FOR ME, PLEASE, HUH?
I COULD GET USED TO YOU.
[DOG URINATES]
MAX!
[WHIMPERING]
SALAUD!
[MUTTERS IN FRENCH]
[YELLING IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
MERDE!
I PAID 8,000 FRANCS FOR THIS RUG.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
HE JUST--HE GETS NERVOUS AROUND NEW PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?
HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
[CAR HONKS HORN]
Man: HENRI!
[HENRI SPEAKING FRENCH]
I HAVE TO CLEAN THIS UP.
LOOK, YOU GO PLAY. I'LL CLEAN UP.
NO, NO, NO.
NO, I'LL CLEAN IT. GO PLAY.
ALL RIGHT.
I ADORE YOU.
"THERE ARE 2 BIDS LIEUTENANT RAHMI AND I RECOMMEND.
"THE FIRST IS SERGIO DEVODO'S DRIVING ACADEMY,
"WHICH HAS TAUGHT EVASIVE DRIVING TECHNIQUES
"TO THE CHAUFFEURS OF SUCH DIGNITARIES
"AS GENERAL ALEXANDER HAIG,
"PRESIDENT GISCARD D'ESTAING,
MICK JAGGER--"
Man: EXCUSE ME, PRIVATE BENJAMIN,
BUT I'M AFRAID I MISSED
THE SECURITY DATA ON THESE DRIVERS.
THE SECURITY DATA WAS UNAVAILABLE TO ME, SIR.
WELL, WHO'S HERE FROM SECURITY?
AHEM.
I AM, SIR.
UH, THAT MATERIAL IS HIGHLY CLASSIFIED, SIR.
I AM CERTAIN THAT THIS SOLDIER
IS NOT CLEARED FOR THAT LEVEL.
WELL, THEN, CLEAR HER, CAPTAIN.
SIR?
IS THERE A PROBLEM?
NO, SIR.
THEN WE'LL EXPECT THE REVISED REPORT
BY THE NEXT COUNCIL SESSION.
GENTLEMEN...
CHOW TIME.
GOOD JOB.
BEHAVE YOURSELF, JUDY BENJAMIN,
OR I AM GOING TO DRUM YOUR ASS OUT OF S.H.A.P.E.
SO FAST IT'LL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN.
HMM?
SORRY, HELGA.
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, DOREEN?
OH, SHE'S NO FRIEND.
LISTEN, THE BAGS ARE PACKED.
I'LL MAKE SANDWICHES.
Henri: MY EX-GIRLFRIEND CLAIRE PAINTED IT.
Judy: WHAT'S IT SUPPOSED TO BE, DEATH?
NO, IT'S A SELF-PORTRAIT.
HOW LONG AGO DID YOU AND THIS, UM...
PAINTER BREAK UP?
14 WEEKS AGO, MONDAY.
OH, YOU'RE STILL COUNTING IT IN WEEKS, HUH?
HOW COME YOU BROKE UP?
OR IS THAT TOO PERSONAL A QUESTION?
NO.
CLAIRE IS A BRILLIANT WOMAN.
I EVEN JOINED THE COMMUNIST PARTY
FOR HER...FOR A WEEK.
NOT ROMANTIC, THOUGH.
MUCH TOO INDEPENDENT.
HAVE YOU EVER LOVED A TORTURED ARTIST?
ONLY TORTURED LAWYERS.
YOUR FIRST HUSBAND WAS A LAWYER, HUH?
NO. RICK WAS A TENNIS PRO AT THE EL SAN JUAN.
MY THERAPIST SAID THAT I HAD A NEUROTIC NEED
TO FIND A FATHER FIGURE,
AND HE HAD A NEUROTIC NEED TO FIND A FATHER-IN-LAW
WHO HAD A LOT OF MONEY.
OH, YOU KNOW, I--
I MARRIED MEN I HAVEN'T FELT THIS COMFORTABLE WITH.
Lewis: WHAT'S THE STORY
WITH YOU AND THIS TREMONT CHARACTER, JUDY?
WHY ARE YOU SPYING ON ME?
YOUR LOVERBOY'S A RED, BENJAMIN.
Judy: DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
HE WAS A RED FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS
BECAUSE OF SOME WOMAN HE USED TO GO OUT WITH.
NOBODY STOPS BEING A COMMUNIST, BENJAMIN.
IT'S A TERMINAL DISEASE,
AND, I, FOR ONE, AM NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND
WITH MY THUMB UP MY ASS
WHILE YOU DIVULGE CLASSIFIED INFORMATION
DURING THE THROES OF PASSION.
UH-UH.
OH, PLEASE.
I CAN BARELY SPEAK DURING THE THROES OF PASSION.
BELIEVE ME, HENRI TREMONT IS AS MUCH A COMMUNIST AS ME.
OR YOU.
IF PATTON WERE ALIVE,
HE WOULD SLAP YOUR FACE.
AS YOU WERE.
CAPTAIN LEWIS?
UH...
PRIVATE BENJAMIN HAS MADE HERSELF VULNERABLE
TO A RED, SIR.
I READ THE REPORT, LEWIS.
IT'S NOT TRUE, SIR.
NOW, JUDY, WE'RE NOT--
WE'RE NOT BLIND TO THE FACT
THAT HALF OF EUROPE IS COMMUNISTIC...
BUT HERE AT S.H.A.P.E.,
THEY'RE STILL THE ENEMY.
GENERAL FOLEY, HENRI TREMONT IS NOT A COMMUNIST.
HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.
CAPTAIN LEWIS IS HUNG UP ON A TECHNICALITY.
WELL, I'M SORRY, BENJAMIN,
BUT IT'S AGAINST THE REGULATIONS
FOR YOU TO ASSOCIATE WITH THIS MAN.
NOW, I SEE THAT YOU'RE UP FOR PROMOTION,
AND I'D HATE TO SEE THIS INCIDENT
JEOPARDIZE YOUR CAREER.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME, SIR?
IT'S EITHER HIM
OR US.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
TEDDY?
[RING]
Teddy: HARRIET!
TEDDY?
HARRIET!
[RING]
CAN'T YOU HEAR?
CAN'T YOU MOVE?
HELLO?
JUDY?
OH--TEDDY, IT'S JUDY.
JUDY WHO?
DARLING, HOW ARE YOU?
YOU WHAT?
OH.
OH. TEDDY...
SHE'S GETTING MARRIED.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING RING]
[RING]
HELLO?
OH, MONSIEUR SCHIFFMAN.
OH, THANK GOD.
UM...
CA FAIT 15 JOURS
QUE JE SAIS DE VOUS PARLER.
LISTEN, UM,
THE TABLECLOTHS--
LES NAPPES
SONT ABSOLUMENT
HORRIBLES.
THEY'RE TERRIBLE. THE COLOR--
LE COULEUR-- IT'S ALL WRONG.
SEE, THE--
TOUT LES DáCORS DE MARIAGE--
OF THE WEDDING IS IN YELLOW--
JAUNE--
AND BUTTERSCOTCH.
AND, UH,
WELL, RIGHT NOW, I'M LOOKING AT SOMETHING
ENTRE
CANARI
ET BANANE.
GABBY!
OUI, MADAME?
WHAT?
OH, PARDON, MADAME.
I GET THE--THE HOOVER.
PARDON.
WAS SHE A GOOD MAID BEFORE SHE MET ME?
YOU THINK IT'S SMART TO FIRE THE HOUSEKEEPER
JUST BEFORE THE WEDDING?
NO.
ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR PARENTS COMING.
THIS IS TRUE.
OK, SHE STAYS UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING.
YOU LOOK VERY BEAUTIFUL TODAY.
SO DO YOU.
SO WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS SAY WHEN THEY CALLED?
OH, THEY'RE COMING OVER ON ARMY TRANSPORT NEXT WEEK.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN,
AND GLASS IS LEARNING FRENCH.
HONEY, WHO WAS THAT?
IT WAS CLAIRE.
CLAIRE?
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OVER THIS OBSESSION WITH CLAIRE.
YOU WERE STANDING THERE WITH YOUR TONGUE HANGING OUT.
YES, I WAS SURPRISED TO SEE HER.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS STILL IN IBIZA.
SURPRISED?
CALL IT CATATONIC.
JUDY, YOU DON'T SEE ME GETTING HUNG UP
ON YOUR OLD BOYFRIENDS AND HUSBANDS, DO YOU?
DO YOU?
JUDY...
LISTEN TO ME.
COME HERE.
I LOVE YOU.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED IN A WEEK.
I WANT TO HAVE A BABY WITH YOU.
YOU DO?
OH, HONEY...
I'D LOVE TO HAVE A BABY.
I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK I WAS GETTING TOO OLD.
BABY, HONEY.
I WANT US TO BE TOGETHER ALWAYS.
WE WILL, HONEY.
GOOD.
JUST THE REALITY OF THINGS--
SOMETIMES, THEY DON'T ALWAYS WORK OUT
EXACTLY AS THEY ARE PLANNED, SO...
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I...
WANT YOU TO SIGN THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
CONTRACT OF MARRIAGE--
A LETTER OF FINANCIAL AGREEMENT.
NOW, IF, GOD FORBID,
SOMETHING SHOULD EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US,
IT JUST... HELPS US REMAIN FRIENDS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
I WANT TO BE YOUR WIFE.
IT'S COMPLETELY FAIR.
I JUST ALLOCATED FOR MYSELF
WHAT WAS MINE BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.
JUDY, YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME
TO GIVE YOU HALF OF A HOUSE
THAT'S BEEN IN MY FAMILY FOR CENTURIES.
HONEY,
WE DON'T NEED THIS KIND OF THING BETWEEN US.
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT.
I CAN'T GET MARRIED WITHOUT IT.
IT'S IN FRENCH.
PLEASE.
"PRIVATE BENJAMIN"?
DID I WRITE THAT?
I'M SORRY. I...
I JUST CROSS IT OUT?
UH, INITIAL IT.
WHAT SHALL WE DO TONIGHT?
SHALL WE SHOW UP AT THE REGIES'?
[GROCER YELLING IN FRENCH]
AH...
OK.
I TOOK HENRI'S CAR TO THE SHOP.
I MADE HENRI'S HAIR APPOINTMENT,
TOOK MAX TO THE VET,
PICKED UP HENRI'S COFFEE AT 1:00.
YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER
THAT I USED TO BE A VERY ACTIVE PERSON.
I MEAN, I WAS JUMPING OUT OF AIRPLANES,
AND AT S.H.A.P.E., IT WAS NONSTOP CHAOS.
BUT YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT OPENING A STORE AGAIN.
NO, NO, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THAT, ACTUALLY.
IT WOULD'VE BEEN TOO MUCH OF A HASSLE.
IT WAS A BAD IDEA.
BUT THERE HAVE TO BE OTHER CHOICES, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID TODAY?
NO.
I REARRANGED MY CLOSET...
FOR 3 HOURS.
NOW, THERE'S DEFINITELY
SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT, ISN'T THERE?
OHH...
AM I MAKING SENSE?
NO...
AND THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.
AH, THIS IS THE COLOR HAIR I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
I LOVE IT.
[WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH OVER P.A.]
JUDY!
OHH...
OH, RITA HAYWORTH, I SWEAR TO GOD.
OH, I WOULDN'T HAVE RECOGNIZED YOU.
STUNNING. TURN AROUND. LET ME SEE THE OUTFIT.
OH, GOD, DOLL, GORGEOUS--
AN ABSOLUTE VISION.
THE HAIR IS THE WORST.
TO SEE YOU LOOKING LIKE YOUR OLD SELF AGAIN--
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU AND I WOULD'VE DONE IN HER SITUATION.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS,
JUDY'S JUDY AGAIN.
TELL THE TRUTH, JUDE. YOU DON'T MISS THE ARMY.
WHAT'S TO MISS, $400 A MONTH?
THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THAT WHOLE ARMY BUSINESS
WAS THAT WHAT'S-HER-NAME.
CAPTAIN LEWIS?
Kissy: I HOPE MY COAT'S GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH.
I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS GOING TO BE SO CHILLY.
Harriet: IT'S NOVEMBER HERE, KISSY.
Teddy: IT'S NOVEMBER EVERYWHERE, GENIUS.
Henri: SIT!
I WAS TALKING TO MAX.
Judy: OH.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU UP.
EXCUSE ME FOR INTERRUPTING...
BUT DOES THIS BELONG TO ANYONE?
BECAUSE I'M POSITIVE IT ISN'T MINE.
OUI, MADAME. WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?
WHERE YOU LEFT IT.
MAY I ASK WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN MY BED?
I WAS NOT IN YOUR BED, MADAME.
I MAKE YOUR BED.
IT--IT MUST'VE FALLEN.
JUDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW THIS LITTLE ITEM
GOT INTO MY BED.
[CRYING AND SPEAKING FRENCH]
THIS IS TOO MUCH.
JUDY, GIVE GABRIELLE BACK THE CROSS.
GABRIELLE, VA A TA CHAMBRE.
JE M'EXCUSE.
[HENRI SPEAKING FRENCH]
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?
SHE'S THE WORST MAID IN THE WORLD!
ENOUGH! PLEASE!
WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU LATELY?
YOU KNOW, LATELY, I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING
WITH THE KID FROM THE EXORCIST.
2 WEEKS AGO, JUDY, I WAS LIKE A GOD TO YOU.
YOU COULD NOT DO ENOUGH FOR ME.
NOW YOU SHOW ME NO RESPECT.
I RESPECT YOU.
JUDY, YOU JUST ACCUSED ME OF SLEEPING WITH GABRIELLE.
DO YOU THINK I AM SO LOW AS TO SEDUCE A CHILD?
DO YOU?
HONEY, I'M--
I'M NERVOUS.
I'M VERY NERVOUS, AND, UH...
I--I KNOW THAT ONCE WE GET MARRIED
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE.
I'M SORRY.
I FLY 6,000 MILES TO ATTEND MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING,
AND THE GROOM IS PLAYING SOCCER.
DADDY, PLEASE. HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
HE PROBABLY WENT INTO OVERTIME.
MONSIEUR, MY SON IS VERY RELIABLE.
HE WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.
IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT.
[HORN HONKS]
HENRI EST ICI.
JEAN PAUL.
JUDY. CA VA?
HI.
WHERE'S HENRI?
HENRI?
WHY, THE BUM NEVER SHOWED UP FOR THE GAME.
ISN'T HE HERE?
NO.
HE NEVER SHOWED UP?
NO.
JUDY, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
DON'T HATE ME FOR SAYING THIS OR NOTHING,
BUT, HON, REALLY, UH,
YOU MIGHT BE BETTER OFF, YOU KNOW?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
WELL...
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS,
BUT YOU WERE STARTING TO ACT
A LITTLE BIT WEIRD AGAIN.
OH, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I'M A WRECK.
JUDY!
WHAT?
HE'S BACK!
OH.
HENRI.
MY GOD, YOU LOOK PERFECT.
WHERE WERE YOU?
I'M FINE.
NO. WHERE WERE YOU? I--I WAS SO SCARED.
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
NO, I DO WANT TO KNOW.
I HAD TO SEE CLAIRE.
CLAIRE?
YOU WERE WITH CLAIRE?
JUDY, THE WOMAN IS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.
YOU'VE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.
NOW, PLEASE.
HENRI, THERE ARE 75 PEOPLE OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU.
COULDN'T YOU HAVE PHONED?
DON'T BAD FRENCH ARTISTS HAVE TELEPHONES?
JUDY, THE WOMAN WAS OVERWROUGHT.
HER BOYFRIEND BEAT HER UP.
I HAD TO PRESCRIBE A SEDATIVE FOR HER.
THAT TAKES 2 MINUTES. YOU WERE GONE 4 HOURS.
I KNOW. THE PLACE WAS A MESS.
I HUNG UP THE CLOTHES, AND I DID THE DISHES.
YOU DID CLAIRE'S DISHES?
JUDY, DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP BEING NICE TO PEOPLE
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING MARRIED?
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD BE
WITH CLAIRE TODAY.
DO YOU WANT TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE WITH ME OR NOT?
[PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
OUI.
C'EST BIEN.
LA BAGUE.
NOT SO FAST.
[CROWD MURMURS]
HENRI, I KNOW THIS IS A VERY AWKWARD TIME TO DO THIS,
BUT I WANT TO BREAK UP.
TEDDY, SHE'S CRAZY AGAIN.
JUDY, LISTEN TO ME, DARLING.
YOU'RE--YOU'RE HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK.
NOW, WE'LL GO UPSTAIRS,
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOT TO CALM DOWN.
NO, I WANT TO BE PERFECTLY CONSCIOUS
WHEN I CALL A CAB.
A CAB? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?
WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? GABRIELLE?
I SLEPT WITH HER ONE NIGHT WHEN YOU WERE ACTING CRAZY.
WE'LL FIRE HER AFTER THE WEDDING.
HENRI...
YOU'RE SUCH A SCHMUCK.
Woman: WHAT DID SHE SAY?
DADDY...
MOM JUST FAINTED.
SCHMUCK?
WHEN I MET YOU, YOU WERE IN THE ARMY.
YOU WERE NOTHING.
YOU WERE PICKING UP STRANGERS IN BARS!
NOW JUST A MINUTE.
SHE WAS.
I'M GIVING YOU A FUTURE, A HOME, AND A NAME.
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, DON'T BE STUPID!
HENRI. WHAT?
THERE'S CLAIRE. WHERE?
[CROWD GASPS]
DON'T CALL ME STUPID.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--