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I met her in a border town j
j we proceeded to get down j
I she turned me on j;
j I dropped the telephone j
j moonlight hits the rio grande j
j and the touch of her hand j
j it makes me high j
j like the fourth of July j
j a bad bandito came into town j
j man, I'm gonna hunt that gringo down j
j but these words keep ringin'in my ears j
j little bit is better than nada j
j sometime you want the whole enchilada j
j little bit is better than nada j
j a little bit or nothin' at all j
J said Cancun was not her style j
j turistas there, they drove her wild &
j the border"s the place j
j put on a brand-new face j
j me and the boys were just in town j
j shake 'em up and roll 'em down j
j I guess it was fate j
j I hope I wasn't too late j
j bad, bad boys was on our trail I
j federales want us all in jail &
j but these words keep ringin'in my ears j
j little bit is better than nada j
j sometime you want the whole enchilada j
j little bit is better than nada j
j a little bit or nothin' at all j
Oh, man.
Hey, you derelicts, you know what time it is?
Yeah. What's up?
It is bug betting time, all right?
First bug to get fried wins $2.00.
I got this green one right there.
All right, Earl, you gotta actually let go of the money
in order for it to be a bet.
All right, come to daddy.
All right. Round and round she goes.
Where she stops, nobody...
Number 2!
Aah! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
J a little bit is better than nada j
j sometime you want the whole enchilada j
any of you shitheels ever get bored?
Huh?
You ever get bored?
I got a riddle.
You got a riddle?
Takes about two ounces of brains to figure it out.
Anybody think they got a brain
with two ounces of brains in it?
There's a rumor Earl does.
Well, for Christ's sakes, boys, come on,
a little self-confidence from the players' gallery, all right?
We ain't talking long division.
How much we got to lose?
You want to liven things up, Earl?
That's a hell of an idea.
So everyone puts in 20 bucks.
Pot goes to whoever solves the riddle.
You're gonna get the riddle, tin cup.
Dewey, I'm the one asking the riddle.
I already know the answer, okay?
I don't... I don't get a guess.
All right.
Although we could say if I get to 500 bounces
on the old wedge here
and no one gets the riddle,
I get the pot.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking it's an impossible riddle.
Well, it's not. It's a easy riddle.
And if somehow, by the grace of fluke luck,
I win, and y'all don't agree that it was a easy riddle,
well, then, hell, uh,
I'll refund your money.
I'm in!
- All right! All right! - Money in the bank.
I'll hold the money. Come on. Give it up.
Now, a man's driving down the road with his son,
and he gets in a crash.
Two ambulances come
and take the man and his son to different hospitals.
Okay? Different hospitals.
Son goes into the operating room, all right?
The doctor looks at him, says,
"I can't operate on this boy.
He's my son.”
Now, how is that possible, hmm?
How is that possible?
Clock's ticking, fellas.
The father's still over at the other hospital.
I mean, he didn't sneak back in, right?
This ain't Star Trek, Earl.
Nobody beamed him aboard.
All right. What about if, uh, if the father married the son's daughter?
This is a family riddle, Earl.
You got... you gotta think clean thoughts.
Hey, give us a little hint.
You want a hint, Clint?
Little hint.
All right.
The doctor's a woman.
See, the doctor's the son's mother.
Feminists posed the riddle
to reveal how deeply our sexual stereotypes run.
L, uh, take it you're a feminist.
Ma'am, I've been called a lot of things before,
- never been saddled with that one. - Ah.
Smell of leather, sting of a whip.
- Ooh! - Mercy.
Well, I'm just a humble golf pro.
Could I help you?
You're Roy mcavoy, the golf pro?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, well, I-l pictured something, uh, different.
I have a 7:00 lesson.
I thought I had a Dr. griswold.
Uh-huh...
That's me.
Okay.
First thing you gotta learn about this game, doc,
is it ain't about hitting some little white ball
in some yonder hole.
It's about inner demons:
Self-doubt, human frailty,
and overcoming all that crap.
Oh, yeah.
So what kind of doctor did you say you were?
I'm a psychologist.
In layman's terms call me
Neo-jungian, postmodern, freudian, holistic, secularist.
Okay.
I mean, inner demons and human frailty,
well, that's my life's work.
I used to practice in El Paso,
but I moved here now.
What is all this stuff?
Oh, I ordered all this from the golf channel.
It's a... it's a waste of money.
Well, no, I'm... look, I'm sure
that there are some excesses and repetitions here,
but I believe in the gathering of knowledge,
and I thought, you know, there must be some truth
to the golf swing illustrated by some of these devices,
and that you would just kind of help me, you know,
sort through it all.
I have dozens of golf videotapes, too.
I'll bet she's got a golf watch.
You got a golf watch?
Yeah. I-l think I got a pretty good one.
Right there.
Well, take it off.
- Take it off? - All of it, right now.
Just... all of it now.
You're a smart woman, for Christ's sakes, right?
Jeez.
Don't you know the work of hustlers when you see it?
Well, no.
I mean,
I can always tell when someone's lying to himself, okay?
But I'm quite susceptible and frequently wrong
when that person lies to me.
I mean, Christ, this stuff cost me over $200.
Well, it's uh, $200 of shit.
Well, that's just great.
Why don't we do this the old-fashioned way?
Just go take a swing.
All right.
Okay.
Come on.
Excuse me.
= oh!
Fuck.
Well, you talk like a golfer.
That's a pretty girl to have such an ugly swing.
= oh! God!
Oh, that hurt.
Shit!
Fuck. Shit.
Those are highly technical golf terms.
You're using them on your very first lesson.
This is promising.
Right.
Okay, wise-ass.
Show me. Just go ahead.
Something like that.
That's impressive.
You know, look, I tend to process things verbally,
so do you think you could break down into words
how you just did that?
You mean, what is the... What is the golf swing, by Roy mcavoy?
Well, I tend to think of the golf swing as a poem.
Oh, he's doing that poetry thing again.
Critical opening phrase of this poem will always be the grip,
which the hands unite to form a single unit
by the simple overlap of the...
Little finger.
Right.
Lowly and slowly...
The club head is led back, pulled into position,
not by the hands, but by the body,
which turns away from the target,
shifting weight to the right side
without shifting balance.
Tempo is everything, perfection unattainable.
As the body coils now to the top of the swing,
there's a slight hesitation,
a little nod to the gods,
uh, a nod to the gods?
Yeah.
To the gods.
That he is fallible.
That perfection is unattainable,
and now the weight begins shifting back to the left,
pulled by the powers inside the earth.
It's alive, this swing, a living sculpture,
and down through contact, always down,
striking the ball crisply...
With character.
A tuning fork goes off in your heart,
your balls.
Such a pure feeling is the well-struck golf shot.
And then the follow-through to finish,
always on line.
The reverse "c" of the golden bear.
The steelworker's power and brawn of Carl sandburg's...
= Arnold Palmer!
Oh, he's doing that Arnold Palmer thing.
And the unfinished symphony of Roy mcavoy.
Um...
What? What's unfinished?
Well, I have a short follow-through, it...
Has a unfinished look.
Why?
Well, some say it's because that's the easiest way
to play through the winds of west Texas, and...
Some say it's because I've never finished anything in my life.
You can decide, but the point is
every finishing position is unique.
Huh.
That's what the golf swing's all about.
It's about gaining control of your life
and letting go at the same time.
Jeez, Louise.
There's only one other acceptable theory
about how to hit a golf ball.
Oh, boy. Well, I'm afraid to ask.
Well, what is it? What's the other theory?
Grip it and rip it.
Well, you know, um...
While I do appreciate your poetic sensibility, Mr. mcavoy.
Call me Roy, Molly.
Well, call me Dr. griswold, Roy, but at this point,
I really think I'm more of the grip-it-and-rip-it school.
Well, then, let's tee it up.
All right, waggle.
Waggle.
No, no.
He's got her waggling now.
- Oh, lord. - Waggle the clubhead.
Okay? = ah.
It's a little relaxing ritual we do,
- mm-hmm. - Okay?
- Okay. - Just waggle it.
Waggle it and let the big dog eat.
What big dog?
The driver, the number one wood.
Well, this is metal.
Yeah. Well, woods are metal. Don't worry about it.
And the... the driver's known as the big dog.
I'm just saying, "let him loose. Let 'er rip.
Let the big dog eat.”
Okay.
Oh!
Oh.
You know, this is without a doubt the stupidest, silliest,
most idiotic grotesquery masquerading as a game
that has ever been invented...
- Ever. - Yes, ma'am,
and that's why I love it.
Now, you hit one good shot, okay?
One, and that tuning fork rings in your loins...
You can't wait to get back.
Try it again.
=- mim-hmm.
Well, I think the big dog just ate something there.
Mm-hmm.
Did that tuning fork ring in your loins?
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Well, I always say quit on a good shot.
We'll call that lesson humber one?
Well, oh, okay.
And, um...
If you wouldn't mind paying me in cash?
There's a little situation I'm dealing with with the IRS, okay?
Mm-hmm.
With those guys, I gotta Bob and weave around the facts of life,
if you know what I mean.
Yeah. Look, can I ask you a question?
If you're such a legendary striker of the golf ball,
as everyone says, then why are you, at your age,
out here in the middle of nowhere
operating a barely solvent establishment, ducking the IRS,
collecting a few pathetic dollars
to buy your next six-pack
when you're capable of so much more?
Jj
Perhaps I'm chock full of inner demons.
- No. - Hmm?
You're chock full of bullshit.
Anyway...
Same time next week?
Jj
W-what do you mean I should try being saddled sometime?
Were you being literal, or was that some freudian type of deal?
Molly?
Doctor?
What kind of saddle?
Jj
David Simms.
What the hell you doing here, man?
Hey there, Romeo.
Been a while, hasn't it? = yeah.
Tin cup around?
Uh, no.
He's in, um, Houston on, uh, business, so.
Anyway, I thought you were supposed to be on the big pro golf tour.
Well, you tell tin cup that I'm in town
for my big charity best ball tournament.
And I got a spot for him
if he ever gets back from, uh...
Huh? Uh, Houston.
Yeah. Wherever.
Well, uh, I thought you hated him, man.
Hell, I haven't even thought about him in a dozen years.
Not since the good old days at the university of Houston
when we won all them titles together.
God almighty. =
well, he says he carried you on his back all them years, man.
Well, I didn't have much craft back then, Romeo,
just a little native ability.
Now, old Roy, he's a helluva ball striker, isn't he?
What do you want, man?
I want to win my own tournament, Romeo.
Bet you do.
Now, old Roy, he can help me
if we can manage to behave like grownups together.
Yep. You never know, huh?
You tell him that.
- Yeah. I'll be sure to tell him. - So what's the...
What's the catch, David?
Hello, cup.
There is no catch.
I put together this little tournament, with a...
An elite field of players,
and a half-million dollar purse,
and, by god, I'm tired of seeing the money head out of town.
Make more birdies.
Yeah. Well...
That's where you come in, partner.
I need you on my team.
Well, I repeat. Uh, what's the catch?
We're playing cottonwood, where you once shot a 59.
Where you can still shoot a 65 in your sleep.
Because you know every bump on every fairway
and every subtle break on every green.
Hot tub, Roy?
It's a spa.
You and me at cottonwood.
Kind of like the old days, isn't it?
Yeah, well, put 'er there, partner!
These two homeboys are gonna show the world
what golf in west Texas is all about.
Hell, I'll be a goddamn birdie-making machine for you out there.
Oh, whoa. Whoa, wait a minute there, Roy.
Hell, I didn't mean I wanted you to play with me.
I want you to caddy for me.
You know, read the Greens, club me, that kind of stuff.
Que te lleva la chingada, cabron, que caddy con nadie.
Caddy?
Come on, Roy.
Hell, I can't bring a guy in off the street
to play in my tournament.
I mean, for Christ's sake, guys,
this has become a big-time event.
Hell, I got corporate sponsors, 30 bucks a ticket.
This guy off the street
can kick your ass on the golf course anytime, man.
Just like he kicked your ass in junior golf,
just like he kicked your ass in university... no. Fuck it, man.
I'll give you 100 bucks for the loop.
And five percent of any earnings, Roy.
Get the hell out of here, man,
and take your pinche color-coordinated,
corporate-sponsored chingada and
take a flying fuck on the rolling... = Romeo.
I got it man. Don't worry about it.
Well,
I was just trying to offer you some work.
Yeah. Thank you very much.
David?
Yeah?
I'll take the job.
Yeah. We'll take the job.
I flat broke j
j and busted j
just don't seem fair j
the man in heaven j
j don't hear my prayer j
j and these dice are loaded j;
I but! Still can't win j
I flat broke and busted j
this looks like it might be a little more
than you got in the bag, partner.
I could make that.
J all crapped out a... j
shit.
J; Gain j
is he on?
He's on.
Pretty good shape, too.
I mean, my guy could do it.
I've seen him do it lots of times,
and you have extra-large huevos.
Hit it!
Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Shit!
Fuck that!
I told you that was more than you had in your bag.
Shit, I had to, partner.
I mean, your damn caddy came by and told me
that he'd get on the green from here.
I could.
I got to hand it to you, Roy.
For 15 holes, you seemed to grasp the concept here.
See, I'm trying to win this tournament,
and your job is to help me.
Give me the 7-iron.
I'm gonna lay up.
David, you can make that shot.
Hell, I can make that shot, easy.
I know I can make this goddamn shot,
but the smart play is to lay up.
These people didn't pay 30 bucks
to see a tour star lay up on a short par five.
I'm sitting on a two-shot lead with three to go.
Thanks to you, my partner's in his pocket.
Suddenly, par's a helluva number to me.
13 years on the tour, you're still a pussy.
God damn it, David. Just hit the fucking three.
Hit it.
13 years on the driving range,
you still think this game is about your testosterone count.
Now, back up.
230 to carry and the tour stars lay it up.
So Simms, from the rough,
that's a smart play.
Hey, David, you in a hurry or what?
Why?
I got a pile of nickels in the car
that your caddy can knock it on from here.
"Come on, guys, we're...
Trying to win a tournament here.
Yeah. We are. That's great, but I got five to one.
I think it's pretty good odds.
I think he can do it.
Come on. Let him hit it. It's only an exhibition.
C'mon. Come on, Roy. You can handle it.
I got a ball.
Right here.
Balls versus brains, Roy.
You hit that shot, just keep walking
'cause your ass is fired.
How are you gonna fire me in front of all these people,
especially when I knock it on the green?
It looks like the caddy wants to hit the shot.
Peter kostis, what's going on down there?
Boys, I think things have officially changed here now.
Forget the two-shot lead. Forget three holes to go.
Hey, Roy, you need a glove.
It'll help.
There's a little side action going on down there.
And, uh, the $250,000 purse has just gotten a little bit bigger.
Gary, Gary, you obviously don't think this guy
can pull this shot off?
I'll tell you what. I don't think there's any chance.
Let me give you a little background here.
This impending disaster's a driving-range pro.
His name is Roy mcavoy.
The locals around here tell me he was a pretty good college player.
He hung around the mini-tours for a while.
Well, he's gonna have to have been a helluva college player
to pull this shot off.
He's got 240 yards.
He's got a national television audience.
He's got a big gallery here,
and he hasn't hit a golf ball yet.
Announcer well, this is something we don't see every day:
National television with no warmup.
How do you like those odds, Bob?
I don't know who this guy is,
but if this guy even gets it out of there, I'd be surprised.
A tour pro I'd give ten to one.
Dollar bills.
Oh!
Jj
Oh, he's got that good.
Announcer do you believe this?
Unbelievable.
What a caddy.
You. Yeah. You. Come here. Come here.
Can you carry that bag? = yeah.
- Pick it up. - Yes, sir.
Nice shot, Roy. Though shot. = thanks.
Come here. Come here a second.
Take a hike. The loop's over.
You can't fire me.
- Hey, David, come on, man. - How can you fire me?
I... hey, I just knocked it stiff from 250.
- Come on. - Come on, David.
He's always been a jerk.
What about my money?
You just hit the shot that took you out of the money, bud.
Welcome to life on the tour.
Jj
Hey! Hey, whoa!
Announcer tonight, the sports machine brings you a bizarre incident
at the charity golf event of tour star David Simms.
Let's go to west Texas,
well, driving-range pro tin cup mcavoy,
serving as a caddy fo David Simms
at the celebrity event...
He grabbed a 3-wood out of his own bag
and drilled a 240-yard shot
over water to the 16th green...
If I had it all to do over,
I'd still hit that shot.
Yeah. I know.
Man, you'd bury yourself alive
just to prove you could handle the shovel.
You know why I'd still hit that shot?
Yeah.
'Cause it's the only way you could beat Dave Simms.
No.
'Cause you get that look in your face.
I'd hit it again because that shot was a defining moment,
and when a defining moment comes along,
you define the moment,
or the moment defines you.
I did not shrink from the challenge.
I Rose to it.
1981, fort Washington golf club, Fresno, California.
Ring a bell?
The final round of the tour qualifying school?
I was playing to win.
Tried to hit that same impossible cut 3-wood into the wind
from a hilly lie.
I was playing to win.
Five in a row out of bounds
till you finally pulled it off
and tapped it in for a crowd-pleasing 13
when a 12 would have got you on the tour.
And the definition was "shit."
Greatness courts failure, Romeo.
You may be right, boss, but you know what?
Sometimes par is good enough to win.
We owe her $12,000.
No. I owe her $12,000, all right? 1 owe her.
Okay, fine. You owe her $12,000. Like it makes a difference.
It makes a difference.
Look, boss, I only got one rule,
and that's never bet money that you don't have on a dog race
with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.
Now you broke that rule, and you're gonna have to be sweet to her, homes.
Look, you gotta tell her something nice to start off with.
You know, kind of like an ice breaker. How hard can it be?
Look, I'll say one thing nice.
If it don't come out right, then you say it better.
Hey, tin cup. Doreen's looking for you.
Yeah, I'll bet she is.
J oh, baby, you look so good to me j
hey, tin cup.
Haven't seen you for three days.
I'm a busy man.
Hey, tin cup.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, honey.
That better be you, Roy.
Just be nice, okay?
Doreen.
You're looking particularly lovely this evening.
Uh, yeah, that's even nicer than the leopard suit, the...
Cut the horseshit, guys.
You owe me $12,000.
And we're... and we're gonna pay it. Don't worry about that.
Oh, I know you're gonna pay me.
12 smackeroos. Where is it?
There.
What is this?
With equity and inventory, it's worth 12 grand,
more or less.
This is how you think you're gonna settle up?
By giving me the deed to your driving range.
Only on the condition that you don't sell right away,
and me and Romeo keep our jobs.
What in the world would I want with your stupid driving range?
Equity, inventory, cash flow,
not to mention an enhanced stature in the community,
plus a prepaid membership in salome chamber of commerce.
What are your labor costs?
Everybody gets what they're get...
But the tractor kid gets five bucks an hour.
And Romeo gets 10, cash.
What do you pay yourself?
Myself?
You know, to stand around all day and hit those little golf balls,
when you're not breaking for beers or corn dogs
or to gather the guys up and lay bets
on which crow's gonna fly off the fence next.
Are you referring to my managerial salary?
I am referring to every red nickel that you take from the till
and every bag of beer nuts that you lift from the rack.
That is what I'm referring to.
He'll take the deal. He'll take the deal.
What is the deal?
Okay, let's just say the driving range is worth 10,000.
You still owe me 2.
J maybe tomorrow j
j I'll see some light j
j and I'll know the difference j
j between wrong and right »
j my ship is out there j
j no, but it can't come in j
I flat broke and busted j
j crapped out again j
she's been here a while.
Am I early?
Mr. mcavoy, I can appreciate
that you have a fairly laid-back, relaxed lifestyle,
but I have hours to keep.
All right. A former paramour once ascribed my fluid sense of time
to being born under the sign of pisces.
Something about... floating through the universe.
Oh. You amuse me, Roy,
but I'm the only woman in America born after world war il
who thinks astrology's a crock of shit.
Now let's see if the big dog'll eat.
Waggle.
I'm waggling.
Set up to the ball like I showed you last time.
I am setting up to the ball.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on.
Yeah.
Quit trying to wring the club's neck, Molly.
All right?
Show a little warmth, a little compassion.
Remember, this game's about trust and touch...
And lettin' go,
so while I subtly enhance your technical prospects,
why don't you tell me all about your personal life?
That's none of your business, Roy.
Your boyfriend's a golfer. That's my bet.
And he's the reason you're taking this game up. Hmm?
Hell, I probably even know him.
Get your hands off her ass, Roy.
Hi, honey.
Hi, darlin'.
He's taking her to Miami
for the fucking doral.
How am I supposed to compete with that?
Man, you are having a bad week, aren't you?
Man, she must think I'm such a nothing, such a loser.
A lousy driving-range pro living in a winnebago.
She don't know you live in a winnebago.
Well, she sure as hell knows I ain't taking her to no doral
for massages and mimosas all weekend.
Hmm? =
oh, god. I didn't leave it out.
Well, I didn't.
Gotta do something with my life.
You just threw that in the spa.
Gotta rise to a level worthy of the women who think I'm a joke.
Well, you could go out and win the us open.
That would impress her.
What?
Win the open, man.
She'll think, "oh, you're wonderful, Roy."
Romeo, that idea has promise.
Are we talking about the same golf tournament, huh?
The us open, the biggest golf tournament in the world.
Not just the biggest golf tournament in the world,
the most Democratic golf tournament in the world.
What do you mean?
- Well, I mean it's open. - So0?
It's open. Anybody with a two handicap or better has got a shot at it.
You just gotta get through a local and sectional qualifier,
and unlike doral or colonial or at&t, they can't keep you out.
They can't ask you if you're a-a garbage man or a bean picker
or a driving-range pro whose check's signed by a stripper.
You qualify, you're in.
Yeah, you don't got the game, man.
I got every shot in the book.
I'm talking about the game.
The mental game, you know, la cabeza. You don't got it.
Well, since you're the authority,
how'd you like to teach me what I ain't and never will be?
What... what for, man?
You never listen to me. Never.
Well, this time will be different,
- yeah, right. - I promise.
You don't even have the money to get your golf clubs out of hock,
and you're gonna win the us open.
That don't fit, man.
Don't force it if it don't f...
Ahh, is that what those things were?
- Flowers? - Flowers.
Let me get this straight.
You're gonna play me for $400 with those?
Yeah, and I'll give you 2 strokes a side.
You ain't got no 400 bucks.
I-I got the title of my car for collateral.
I ain't interested in that piece of shit.
That's 'cause you think of it as transportation, Boone.
Think of it as bragging rights.
Think of yourself sitting around the bar
crowing to your cronies about the Cadillac you won from me.
They'll...
They'll forget all about the winnebago you lost to me.
I'll call the ins on you, you little midget.
I'll be playing a pink lady today.
Is that little pink fag ball supposed to intimidate me?
Well, not unless I knock it by you.
Louisville slugger, please.
J I'm drivin' down the highway, headed to the range j
j gonna knock 'em out strong j
oh!
J got an old brown bag j
I believe you're away.
Don't worry about it, Julio.
I thought I caught that thing way the hell on the toe.
J there's a place for you if you're just like me j
- whoo! - You drive for show,
and you putt for dough, big mouth.
You hear that, Romeo? Boone was being profound.
Let's see, little wind left to right.
I highly recommend the shovel.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
J well, there's a place for you if you're just like me j
all right, I want to see a legitimate swing.
No scooping.
J I'm notrich, and I'm not on TV j
j have another cool one, but it won't hurt j;
j got myself a big stick swingin'in the dirt j
I'll finish.
J got myself a big stick swingin'in the dirt j
get the hell off my golf course.
Uh, need a receipt?
You know what I think, grasshopper?
She's got you by the huevos.
Listen, swami, your job's to teach me Patience and humility,
all right, not advise me on my love life.
Not all my thinking occurs below the belt.
I mean, I actually stand for a few things
besides where my next romantic interlude's coming from.
Well, then great.
You won't have any trouble telling the doctor lady
you can't teach her no more until after the open.
Well, now that would make an issue
of something that's not a issue, now wouldn't it?
Yeah, right.
I am!
This is my quest!
This is where I stand up for all the little guys everywhere
who've had their fill of soulless robots like David Simms.
Well, David Simms may be a soulless robot,
but he's a rich, happy soulless robot
with a beautiful doctor lady girlfriend.
Besides, how's getting in the open
gonna change what she thinks about you?
Well, it'll show her I'm not who she thinks I am.
But you are who she thinks you are, man.
No, Roy, I will not give you time off to go win the open.
I don't care if it is your quest.
How about my destiny?
Or your destiny.
Or any other term
you vaguely remember from your cliff notes.
That's the most stupid thing I've ever seen in my life.
Don't get mean, all right? First you get mean, then you get petty.
You should have been a little nicer to me when we were an item,
and maybe I wouldn't be such a nasty boss.
Yeah. Roy, I've got a business to run. Bye-bye, bon voyage.
You know what, Becky, Becky, Becky, come here, sweetheart.
Right now, hurry up. We don't have a lot of time.
Now, you're doing a natural thing, and it's really sweet,
but you know what? We don't do natural here.
We do big and bold. Colorful.
Hair, lots of it, many colors.
Look at me. That's what we do, okay?
Well, if you're gonna take that tone,
then we'll just have to talk another day.
I'm sorry, uh, I have things to do,
and I don't really need to be treated like that,
so good-bye.
You know, it wouldn't kill you just once
to tell her something like that she's beautiful
or that she can dance, or
she's sexy as hell.
Here I am, ready to...
Charge forth in pursuit of my mythic destiny,
I can't even get time off work to do it.
Well, uh, I'm no expert here,
but it seems to me that the pursuit of a mythic destiny
isn't something you need to get off a $7-an-hour job in order to do.
I'm stuck, man. I'm buried.
I need help.
I need advice, I need counseling. I need a...
I need a shrink.
You don't know no shrinks.
I know one.
No, no, no, no. Not the doctor lady.
Why not?
You can't ask advice about the woman you're trying to hose
from the woman you're trying to hose.
Why not?
Jj
Sue Ann. Sue Ann, honey.
I didn't... I didn't say shit to her.
Roy, oh!
Okay, Roy, get in the other room, please.
Sue Ann, honey, it's okay. Okay.
Hey, look, she was crying when she came out there, all right?
Okay, okay, Roy. Roy! That is a patient exit room.
Well, I knew it was some kind of room.
It wasn't painted. There was no magazines out there.
Roy, why are you here?
Therapy.
You've come for therapy?
Okay, look, Roy,
you know, you really need to make an appointment,
because I have a client in a half an hour.
That's enough time, 30 minutes. Hell, I'm not that fucked up.
Okay, Roy, you know what? Why Don"t...
Why don't you just have a seat right there?
Right over there.
Okay.
Okay, so how do I do it?
Therapy, I mean...
I mean, w-how do I start doing it?
Okay, Roy, well,
in parlance you might understand,
just kick back and let the big dog eat.
Suppose there's this guy,
and he's standing on the shore of a big, wide river,
and the river's full of all manner of disaster, you know?
Piranhas, alligators, Eddies, currents, shit like that.
Nobody'll even go down there to dip a toe,
and on the other side of the river is a million bucks,
and on this side of the river is a rowboat.
Mm-hmm.
I guess my question is this.
What would possess a guy standing on shore to swim for it?
He's an idiot.
No, see, he's a helluva swimmer.
See his... his problem is more like
why does he always have to rise to the challenge?
He's a juvenile idiot.
You don't understand what I mean by the river.
Roy.
We're talking about you
and what you like to call your inner demons,
that human frailty you like to blather about.
Not some mythopoetic metaphor you come up with
in a feeble and transparent effort to do yourself credit.
You mean you're gonna make me feel lousy?
No.
I came here to feel better.
- I mean, what kind of therapy is this? - Roy. Roy, Roy, Roy.
You don't have any inner demons.
What you have is inner crap-ola,
inner debris, garbage,
loose wires, a few.
Horseshit in staggering amounts.
Look, I'm not some just jerk driving-range pro
who drinks too much booze, eats too few vegetables, okay?
Roy, could you please sit down, okay?
'Cause... 'Cause you're getting defensive,
and I want you to just cut to the chase and tell me why you're here.
Woman.
Oh, a woman.
Have you asked her out?
No. She's seeing a guy. I don't know how serious it is.
But the guy's a real horse's ass if you ask me.
Maybe if you shared your heart with this woman,
you know, took her out to dinner,
then it would... it would force these issues out to the open.
Well, I'm afraid she'll say no.
So what you're saying is that
all your speeches about swimming across shark-infested waters
are really about your golf game, not about your personal life.
Oh, jeez.
So good, we're getting a little close to the truth.
Well, Christ, I didn't know we were gonna get into my personal life.
Well, this is therapy, Roy.
Well, I know, but I didn't...
I didn't think it was that kind of therapy.
Well, okay, let's make this simple.
Roy, please, here, sit down right here.
You know those risks that you love to take on the golf course?
The ones that you talk so passionately and poetically about.
Well, you need to apply those same risks
to your personal life with the same passion.
You mean I should just ask her out?
Yes.
And risk coming right over the top, snap,
hooking it out of bounds left.
Absolutely, Roy.
Hittin' it a little thin.
- Okay, Roy. That's good. - I'm sorry.
Now look, all you have to do is walk up to this... this woman, wherever she is,
look her in the eye... Look at me, Roy.
Just look her in the eyes.
That's right, let down your guard
and don't try to be cool or smooth or whatever.
Just be honest and take a risk.
And then you know what? Whatever happens, if you act from the heart,
you can't make a mistake.
Dr. griswold.
Yes?
I think I'm in love with you.
- What? - From the moment I first saw you,
I knew I was through with bar girls and strippers and motorcycle chicks,
and when you first started talking, I was smitten with you,
and I'm... smitten with you more every day I think about you,
and the fact that you know I'm full of crap-ola
only makes you even more attractive to me.
Usually I can bullshit people, but I can't bullshit you,
and in addition, you got... you got great legs,
and most women, I'm thinking about
how to get in their pants from day one, but with you I'm just...
I'm just thinking about how to get in your heart, and...
Roy, uh...
- Stunned, huh? - Yeah.
So, uh, so what about dinner?
And, uh, we can talk about us and if we have a future
and how to drop that horse's-ass boyfriend of yours.
Roy, just slow down, okay?
What? I just hit a 8-degree driver off the carpet.
I mean, I'm staring eagle in the face.
Okay, will you just cut the golf talk, please?
Because this is a mistake.
Well, I'm acting from the heart.
How can that be a mistake?
Right?
Wrong, Roy, I mean...
Shit. I didn't know you were talking about me, Roy.
Well, would your advice have been different?
Uh, ha. Roy...
You know, this session is over.
I have someone coming soon.
I think you better leave.
I take it your answer is no.
Well, our relationship is, and will remain, strictly professional.
That's it?
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna qualify for the us open and kick your boyfriend's ass.
And whatever you think of me, you should know that your boyfriend,
he hates old people, he hates children, and he hates dogs,
and that broad's out there crying still, all right? In the exit room.
You're still in the exit room.
Oh...
Hello.
Um, Dr. kasseldorf, you're there.
Wy-well, you always, uh, you always said to call
if... if something came up tha... that confused me,
and, uh, you know, shrinks need shrinks,
but, uh, it happened. I mean... l mean, you said it would.
Uh, a patient... a patient came in and thinks that he's falling in love with me.
Well, I mean, he's not really a patient, he's... he's my golf pro, but...
No. I know that under the circumstance,
that I'm supposed to recommend another therapist,
but there are no other therapists in salome.
I mean, he'd have to drive 100 miles to midland or Odessa,
and I'm not sure you could count on any help there.
Me? No, my self-esteem... My self-esteem is fine.
Well, he's a good-looking man.
Green eyes, I don't... I mean, I don't know...
That's not the point, is it?
Well, he's, you know, he's kind of cute. He's cute.
B-but I mean...
Okay.
Jj
Okay.
Uh-huh.
J oh, I wish I could laugh
j when I look way back j
j find out who stole all my dreams j
j oh, I wish it was easy j
I to face the fact j
j there was nobody there but me j
J there was nobody there j
«j but me j
hello.
Hi.
You got a beautiful swing, Roy.
I'm a beautiful guy.
Look, Roy, I came here to apologize, okay?
For what?
Well, you did exactly what I said,
and I just poured cold water over your efforts, okay?
I didn't get it.
I'm a, like, terrible shrink probably.
Should've never gotten out of real estate. Shit.
Actually, I should've never left Ohio for that cowboy in amarillo, but...
Have you ever been to amarillo?
Cowboy?
Yeah. I mean, it's not as romantic
when you're actually with one, trust me.
I mean, so the oilman in Dallas or Houston
orl don't know where he was from.
Anyway, he just looked great after that...
Oh, boy. So I... that's when I went to the Gulf,
and I ended up in, like, trailer sales,
and then all those condos in corpus christi.
The bottom just... Boom... fell right out of the market,
and I just... l needed a new gig.
A new gig?
Therapy. I mean, I took all the classes.
I'm, you know, legitimate, legal, certified.
Fuck. I'm certifiable. I'm really sorry, okay?
Oh, boy.
Ray, do you mind if I have a doughnut.
Thanks.
Okay, look.
I am really flattered that you asked me out,
but, I mean, I can't accept because I am involved with David, and
well, I haven't seen any evidence
that he treats old people, children, or dogs badly.
Look, I admit, and I'm sorry.
I guess I got a little carried away with the David thing.
I just should have laid up and made my par.
Okay, look, Roy, I j... I just want to make a proposal, all right?
I mean, as long as you understand that it's strictly professional,
and that, you know, we're not going out together.
Tee it up.
Well, I think that I can help you with the mental aspects of the game.
I mean, you have, um, Romeo to be your swing doctor.
I could be your head doctor.
What, Roy?
Well, you just said yourself you're a crummy shrink.
Well, I can improve, Roy.
Molly, I don't even have the money to pay you.
- I'm broke. - Roy, you don't need any money to pay me.
We'll trade services.
I mean, you know, I'll give you my services for golf lessons, and...
And I can help you through the qualifying, Roy,
and then if you make it into the open, well...
I'm on my own. You'll be with David.
Yeah.
Uh, I don't... I don't... I don't really want this.
Okay.
J every minute j
third in the group,
playing out of salome, Texas, Roy mcavoy.
J every day that passes by j
j fills my spirit j
I for a moment j
j that you're not on my mind j
j if you wonder j;
j when I think of you j
j well, just let me put it this way j
j every minute j
Ben hogan. Now, who's he?
I find him mildly attractive
when he's obnoxious and arrogant like this.
Well, good.
J every hour j
j every day j
these guys bugging you, boss? I can shut 'em up.
The way I'm swinging today,
nothing bugs me except insufficient applause.
Gimme the lumber.
Eh, I think you wanna hit the 2-iron, boss.
I said I want the big dog.
You got a tight par-5 here, man, with out of bounds on the left.
I don't think you wanna hit the driver. The 2-iron seems like the deal.
Well, I'm not goin' left of those trees or right of those trees. Okay?
I'm goin' over those trees...
With a little draw.
Yeah. = over the trees!
That way, I get home in 2.
That way, I'm puttin' for eagle. Now...
You don't need a eagle to qualify.
You need to practice playin' it safe.
- No mistakes with the... - Qualify? I want the course record.
Now give me the lumber.
You're not gonna listen to me, are you?
Even when I'm tryin' to help you, man.
After all these years, what, do you think I'm full of shit?
I think I'm gonna get penalized for slow play.
Now gimme the fuckin' driver.
You know, man, you're a head case, you know?
You always have been, and you always will be.
Well, let's ask the head doctor.
- Dr. griswold? - What do I say?
Dr. griswold.
Yes?
Should I hit the big dog or the 2?
Uh, soliciting shot selection advice is a 2-stroke penalty.
Trust your feelings.
Ha! Now, gimme the driver and shut up.
You want the driver? Fine.
Here.
Hit the driver, tin cup.
Well, I've changed my mind. Give me the 3-wood.
You can't throw that dogleg with a 3-wood, man.
You wanha bet?
Fine. Take the 3-wood.
Take it and show me
what a golf pro does, man.
Guess I'm goin' with the safe shot, boys.
But, you know, sometimes I fan that 2.
Ooo.
You better gimme the 3.
Is this normal behavior for him?
Well, the word "normal" and him
don't often collide in the same sentence.
And sometimes I catch that 3 a little thin, too.
Don't do this, Roy. = and I've hit fliers with the 4.
Hit the damn ball, Roy.
Hmm? I've hooked my 5. I've shanked the 6.
Skulled the 8. Fatted the 9.
Chili-dipped the wedge.
And I've bladed the sand.
Putter? = yeah.
There is old Mr. 3-wiggle, isn't there?
Jj
But then there's the 7-iron.
I never miss with the 7-iron.
Jj
It's the only truly safe club in my bag.
Well, the bag's lighter, Romeo. You happy?
No, I'm not happy, man.
I'm tired...
And my life's too short to sit there watch you blow up all the...
'Cause I done it too many times.
What, are you quittin'?
Huh. God... damn.
First sign of adversity, and you're quittin'?
God. First time you have a chance
to qualify for the open.
Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you?
Anybody wanna bet me I can't par in with a 7-iron? Huh?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Come on, anybody?
No, sir. No way.
Doc, take the bet.
Roy, just shut up and hit the ball.
Jj
Okay.
You the man, cup.
J it's pride against money j
j love against pride j
j drivin' all the demons j
j that I been keepin' inside j
j I always go for the long shot j
I I never hesitate j
j when I wave to the four winds j
j I stick a finger at fate j
j it's just a character flaw j
j no matter what you saw, it don't matter at all j
j it's just a character flaw j
j it ain't against the law, it don't matter at all j
j it's just a character flaw j
thank you, boys.
You survived?
Whoo!
Cervezas?
Si, cervezas.
What do you think my best shot was?
Was it the 7-iron on 12?
Pretty good one.
Or was it the 7-iron on 14?
That was tight.
That was better.
What about that bunker shot on 18,
which, to my recollection, was a 7-iron?
Yes, it was.
They all were good.
- You're definitely the man. - Hoo.
Hey, doc. Doc.
Hmm?
How'd I do?
Well, you failed miserably, Roy.
W-what are you talkin' about? I...
Did I not qualify for the sectionals?
I believe I did, with a 7-iron, I recall.
Look, your job isn't just to qualify for the open.
It's to prepare for the open.
My job is to help you prepare.
Thank you.
Now, you said trust my feelings. I did.
Well, I didn't know you felt like breakin' all the clubs in your bag
and getting in a pissing contest with your caddy,
who, incidentally, quit.
Well, he always quits.
He ought to be here, manana.
To the quitter.
To Rome.
Romeo. Romeo.
Yeah, the little quitter.
Nonetheless, nonetheless...
From the mental aspect, which is my domain,
you've regressed, Roy...
Oh.
And are fumbling somewhere between delusion and denial.
Regression. Delusion. Denial.
I mean, why you gotta use all the psychological language for?
Havin' a bad day, Roy?
No.
Hi, honey.
Hi, darlin'.
Shot a 65.
Parred the backside with a 7-iron.
Why?
Yeah, that's exactly right. Now, see, that's the question. Why?
Because he broke all of his other clubs.
Snapped 'em right in two.
Jesus, Roy. =I didn't break 'em all. Romeo broke two.
Listen, I'm on your side here. I mean, we go way back, partner,
and I really hope you qualify for the open, but if you do...
You better play with some kind of control, son,
or you'll get slaughtered out there.
Hell, good players shoot an 82 in the open.
You see, Roy, it means you just can't always go for it.
I swear to god, doc, this guy is not who you think he is.
Well, it's a well-known fact. If a camera's not on him,
he treats old people and children like dirt.
And dogs.
Jeez...
Yeah, don't forget dogs.
Okay. Okay, guys. You know what? We better go, David.
Ugh, come on.
Yeah, I guess so.
Come on.
Hey, you ever shoot par with a 7-iron?
Why, hell, Roy, it...
Never even occurred to me to try.
Well, I bet you $1,000 against my car
that I can beat you in any game...
Any game... You name it, with a golf club.
Come on, Roy, this is ridiculous.
What, are ya chicken?
What, are you gonna... gonna lay up the way you did in the masters last year?
Ooh!
Any game, I name it?
- Oh, David, come on. - Any game.
Oh, no, no, it's okay. I'm just gonna teach old Roy here a little lesson.
Why do men insist on measuring their dicks?
All right, let's measure.
- Fine. Let's measure. - Oh, Roy, for god's sakes,
I wasn't being literal.
Oh, David, come on, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, Molly, I got this one.
We'll just call this part of Roy's mental preparation for the us open,
where the rough is deep and the Greens are slick and nerves are shattered.
I'll take the bet.
Oh, Jesus.
- Yes! - Yes.
All right!
What's the... what's the game?
Your 7-iron, Roy.
One swing each,
whoever hits it the longest.
That's a lock.
I hit the 7-iron like John daly hits the three.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
Who'll take my beer? Curt?
Thank you.
Right here okay?
Fine with me.
You know, you guys are really being childish.
Leave this one to me, darlin'.
I know what I'm doin', too.
You know what? I'll see you both in the bar.
Bye.
Dollar bills.
Hey, them signs are at least 30 yards further.
Hey, Earl, that ball must've gone 220.
Nah, 227.
Toed her a bit, but it'll do.
Fine with me.
No, that's all right. I don't need to.
Well, uh, take your jacket off.
No. No, I'm fine.
You're gonna have to muscle up, big guy, to get it out there.
Gotta give it the old... Steroid jerk.
Yeah.
What the hell's he doin'?
Jj
Hmm...
Shit, he hit it down the fuckin' road, didn't he?
Still goin'.
Jj
Uh, you the man, Roy. You the man.
Oh, yeah. You are definitely the man.
So long, bucko.
The man needs a ride home.
Mm-mmm.
I always liked that car.
J it's early Sunday mornin'rl
j the sun is coming up j
I'm on the tee at 7:00 j
j I'm here to try my luck j
j they say this game's a tough one j
j but I'll give it my best shot... l
god, I wish Romeo were here. I'm not cut out for this shit.
I'm an observer by nature. I'm a spectator.
- Earl, shut up. - Okay.
Gimme the big dog.
Big dog.
I thought that was the fucking big dog.
J help me keep my head down j
j save me from those double bogey blues
jj
J first, I pull out my driver
j I checked my stance and grip j
j I'm tryin' to remember
j every single nicklaus tip
j straighten that left elbow... j
here, why don't you let me carry it?
No.
J keep your head behind the ball j
j and look out for those trees j
j oh, lord... j
You all right?
Aw, shit.
Here, give me the bag.
Nah.
- All right. - Okay.
Dewey, take him in.
Jj
Come on, like a million others you made in your life, Roy.
Just see it goin' in.
Just feel it.
Right in the back of the jar.
J well, I started out with three balls I
j now two of them are lost j
j got 200 yards of water j
j that I got to get across j
j did I hear somebody talkin'? I
j 'bout a $40 bet? J
j I got 30 in my pocket j
j but I won't let 'em see me sweat j
j oh, lord j
imm can't afford to lose j
j you know I'll be in church next Sunday j
j just save me from those double bogey blues I
romes, you come back.
Man, you should've been there.
I drained a 30-foot snake to qualify.
Earl gives me this straight read.
Thing breaks half a dozen times.
Ah, missed ya, pods. I missed ya.
Okay, don't talk to me, but you're still my guy.
Look, it's a little late to be pissed off.
I mean, we're in the open, you and me.
All right, fine, be like that.
Say, has Molly been around?
You know what? Neither her nor me nor the god of golf himself
is gonna keep you from blowin' up in the open.
Well, I made it this far, didn't 1?
Didn't 1? Didn't 1?
All I gotta do is hold it together for 72 more holes.
There's a lot of triple bogeys waiting out there to grab your skinny white ass.
Are you complainin' again? Is that... is that what I hear?
- Shut up. - Are you complaining again?
You're back, whinin' and bitchin',
pissin' and moanin'. You're back! Huh? You're my man.
You didn't fall in love with Earl to be your caddy?
Oh, Earl.
Jeez, he's a wheezin' heart attack waitin' to happen.
Cost me 3 strokes a side.
Hell, I had to carry the bag the last 4 holes.
Look, I love old Earl, okay, but I need you.
You don't love me?
Well, yeah. Yeah, I love you, too, god damn it.
Well, as much as Earl?
I don't know. I mean...
When I was with Earl, I was thinkin' of you.
Yes, uh...
As much as Earl.
More than Earl.
Am I special?
Well, if you can remove the sexual overtones
in that, uh, golf theme, then, Romeo...
I am your Juliet.
In that case, Julieta...
I am your caddy onhe more time.
So nobody's heard from Molly, huh?
You got it bad, huh?
Somethin' about that chick.
Little chili-Dipper there.
Hey, be sure to do that in the open.
It really impresses 'em.
Rome...
Yeah, I'm watchin'.
That ain't no chili-Dipper.
Looks like you got El hosel. The laterals.
You know, the "s" word?
What am I doin' wrong?
I don't know. The shanks are like a virus.
They just show up.
Nobody can figure 'em out.
Romes...
Yeah.
Somethin's terribly wrong.
Rome, somethin's wrong.
That's okay.
Well? Well, what's your guess?
It's gotta be the woman.
I thought you said it was a virus.
Well, a woman can have the same effect.
What, uh, what do I do?
Um... j-just keep swingin'.
Go on. You're fine.
Don't say a fuckin' word.
Um, I'm inside if you need me.
Just work it out.
Jj
Hello? Is anybody home?
My god... Roy.
Dr. griswold.
The therapist laughs at the patient?
Huh? Is that how it works?
Is that how it works?
- No. - Man's laid bare before god,
he's the butt of a cosmic joke?
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Some of this shit might actually work, you know. I mean...
I think there's somethin' to this hat,
the golf ball pendulum thing.
Could be onto somethin' here.
Oh, Jesus, Roy.
I mean, quoting yourself,
it is paraphernalia for lost and desperate souls.
Well, a lost and desperate soul stands before you.
I assume I have the confidentiality
of the doctor-client...
Privilege in regards to this outfit.
Of course you do. Now, what happened?
Well... l got the shanks.
Are you taking penicillin?
There's a glitch in my swing.
Well, that's Romeo's department.
No, he thinks it's your department. Says it's a head thing.
Oh. Well, uh, I just came over
to congratulate you on the, um, sectionals and to return your car.
I mean, David said he doesn't want it.
Just wanted to make a point. You know what, Roy? Look.
You know what? I suppose that we could have a therapy session
right here and now.
I don't want therapy, okay?
I want you.
I gotta get some air, Roy.
Molly...
Molly. Molly, wait.
Molly, look at me.
Well, not at the moment, but just listen to me.
You're with the wrong guy.
I'm the right guy.
I mean everyone... everyone says my face is screwed up tight as a drum.
I know it's 'cause I been crazy about you
from the moment you came here,
when you were wearin' all this stupid shit.
The whole damn thing's both inspired me to get here
and also 'caused me to get the shanks,
which could humiliate me in front of a billion, zillion people
in a game I used to... used to know how to play pretty good.
Such is life.
So dump that phony bastard you're with
and come to the open in my corner, okay?
Tell me... Tell me you're not just like at least
moderately attracted to me.
You have moments, Roy.
Yeah? Well, you tell me which ones are my moments,
and I'll try and duplicate them.
This is a moment.
Now?
Yeah. I mean, just utterly exposed,
completely vulnerable,
inner child trying to get out.
Yeah? My inner child needs a spankin'?
Yeah. No, Roy. No, Roy.
Oh.
I, uh, don't have a car.
Need a ride.
I know.
J you're like a cool breeze... j
Roy...
J to a hot spell... j
I know a spot along the river, it's...
It's great to watch sunsets. Ll do.
Watch the road.
I know a spot by the river that's great for sunsets.
I bet you do, Roy. Not tonight.
Not tonight means maybe some other night.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
Maybe consciously you didn't mean it that way,
but how about unconsciously?
Come on, you're the expert.
Did you mean it unconsciously?
Roy, unconsciously, I don't have a clue what I'm talkin' about.
I feel we're makin' progress.
Well, I do, too.
I have no idea what it's progress towards, though. None.
Consciously or unconsciously?
Oh, Roy.
J you're like a sweet spot to these tired eyes j
j you're like the last mile on a long ride I
I till the end of time j
j baby, I can start j
j if you just let me into your heart j
well, it may not be much of a river to you, but to me it's the...
Mississippi, the rio grande, the...
The danube, the Amazon...
Wow, the Amazon? I don't know about the Amazon, Roy.
[Scoffs[I come on, Molly. I mean, isn't it obvious to you that you and me are...
As comfortable together as a couple of old shoes?
Old shoes? Oh, Roy.
Look, David... David's a really good person.
Whenever anybody says they're with a really good person,
it means they're...
It means they're about to leave 'em.
You know, you're awfully judgmental.
Well...
It's one of my few redeeming virtues.
You know, look, David's involved in a lot of charity work.
Gets his name in the paper.
No. Roy, no. Let me just finish.
I mean I... he's a sensitive person, and a lot of people don't see it.
Well, so am I. I mean, hell, I'm...
Shit, I'm twice as sensitive as he is.
I mean, I... hell, I brought you to the river. I mean, that's a...
That's a nature kind of thing, isn't it?
Yeah, it is a nature kind of thing, Roy.
It is a very nice river. Thank you.
But that's not the point.
The point is is that David is there for me.
Oh, god. Not the "he's a very good person
and he's there for me thing." I mean...
L-let me be your shrink for a minute.
You know what, that's not a good idea.
You're startin' to sound like a woman who's lookin' for a way out.
Warm?
That's enough, Roy.
Okay. I'm sorry.
- We could kiss. - Oh, jeez, Roy.
Look, no harm, no foul.
Just a little, small, innocent,
you know, kind of... Kind of a... semi...
Platonic.
Roy...
Roy, there's no such thing as
semi-platonic, Roy.
There ought to be.
I think you better take me home.
Jj
Well, good luck in the open, Roy.
J when I was younger, I believed j
j that dreams came true j
j now I wonder
j 'cause I've seen much more dark skies j
I than of blue
j now I wonder
j I keep on prayin' for blue skies j
j I keep on thinkin' of the good times j
j will they ever come again? J
j now I wonder
jj
J will they ever come again? J
j now I wonder
j oh, I wonder j
Jj
It's got your name on it, man.
Wow, they spelled it right and everything.
Hey, look, it's Lee janzen and Billy Mayfair, man.
They look just like they do on TV.
Look at these balls.
Brand-new titleist.
Brand-new?
Look at 'em. Every one of them, brand-new titleist.
Whoa.
Jeez.
Sneak a few in the bag when you get a chance.
We swipe enough free shit, we might even pay for this fiasco.
Do you think it would be inappropriate
if I asked Lee janzen for his autograph?
I think that's a dead giveaway, romes,
but if I still got the shanks,
we're gonna be found out soon enough.
Oh. Hit the 7. You always hit that good.
Good thinkin', pods.
Sweet swing. Come on, man.
Keep your head down and follow through.
You're makin' me nervous.
All right.
Whoa! Hey
- who hit that shot? - Yeah, who hit that?
- Anybody see? - Watch out.
There's supposed to be pros here.
A little thin, boss.
Little fucking thin.
Jesus Christ, I still got the shanks.
Don't worry about it, man.
Everybody's watchin' me.
Nobody's watchin'.
Just hit another one. Come on, just stand up there, man.
- You can do it. All right. - All right.
- Whoa. - Look out!
Ho!
Hey, partner, uh, you know, the guys down the line
are a little concerned about that.
What's your name? Tin cup?
Yeah, Roy mcavoy from west Texas.
We're, uh, from west Texas.
Uh, why don't you try aiming a little left...
Why don't you try backing up, giving me just a little room?
Hey, man, that's Johnny Miller.
Don't give a flying fuck who it is.
Jesus, cup.
He can't do that.
Hey, no problem. Who do you want it to?
To Romeo. To Romeo, uh... My best friend.
- Ooh! - Well, good luck to you, guys.
You might want to make some plane reservations Friday, though.
Okay, thanks, Mr. Miller. Hey, great open in '73, boy.
Okay, thank you.
- What a nice guy. - Yeah. Did you get his autograph?
Yeah. Look. "To my best friend, Romeo."
- Do you see who's over there? - What?
- Jesus Christ. - It's only an autograph, man.
Simms is here.
Aw, shit. Maybe you should hit your putter.
You can't shank that one.
Look, you're the Mexican Mac o'Grady.
You gotta figure out why I'm still shanking the ball.
- You know. - What's the problem?
Oh, shoot.
I'm catching on the hosel, right?
Yeah, right, right, right.
Moving my head? = yeah.
- I'm laying it off? - Well, that, too.
I'm pronating.
When you're not supinating.
I'm clearing too early, I'm clearing too late.
My god, my swing feels like an unfolding lawn chair!
All right.
Take all your change and put it in your left-hand pocket.
Go on, do it, Roy.
All right.
All right, now... Tie your left shoe in a double knot.
- Tie my left shoe... - Right now, Roy! Do it!
Turn your hat around backwards.
Turn your hat around! Do it, Roy!
Now take this tee and stick it...
Behind your left ear.
Stick it... I look like a fool!
Well, what the hell do you think you look like
shooting them chili peppers up Lee janzen's ass?
Now, you do it right now, Roy,
or I swear to god, I'm gonna quit.
- I swear to god, I'll quit. - All right.
All right, good.
Now take this little ball,
hit it the hell up the fairway.
You're ready.
How'd I do that?
'Cause you're not thinking about shanking.
You're not thinking about the doctor lady.
You're not thinking, period!
You're just looking like a fool.
And you're hitting the ball pure and simple,
- and that's your natural... - Fuck you.
Fuck me, huh? Well, you're cured.
I'm c... that's it?
Yeah, that's it.
Your brain was getting in the way.
That's hardly ever been the case, but...
Well, no shit, Sherlock.
Well, what next?
Well... l should recommend
that you work on your short game, but...
I think you oughtta get drunk.
Get drunk? = yeah.
You always play better when you're wasted.
Remember brownsville?
Come on, get it down.
Come on, now. What time I tee off?
You tee off at 7:08. We're the first guys going.
- Come on, one more. Just do it. - Hey.
Let's go, come on. Get it down.
That's 4 hours from now.
That's right.
Here's to the finely tuned athlete
on the verge of greatness.
Ail
Jj
Hurry up, boss.
Jj
I knew we should've set an alarm.
With the honor in the 7:08 pairing,
from salami, Texas, Mr. Roy mcavoy.
Uh, any time for a quick bucket?
Tee it up.
Okay, boss.
We almost missed the starting time
trying to get you off the floor.
If I may say so,
you don't handle the hooch like you used to.
Oh, I've seen this hole on TV.
Just hit the big dog up the chute there.
No. I've learned my lesson.
I'm gonna play it... Safe, smart...
Conservative.
Fairways and Greens. Hand me a 2-iron.
You sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
Ohh.
Uhh.
Not a good day.
Be humble.
83.
Well, you're humble now, homes.
I was hung over.
Maybe that was a coaching mistake on my part.
Yeah, maybe it was. Thanks, amigo.
David Simms is the first-round leader
at the us open after a brilliant 67.
Congratulations, David.
Well... Jim, I gotta tell you,
I'm the last guy on the planet
that expected me to go out there right out of the blocks
and shoot a 67 to lead the open.
Shut up.
I've really marveled
at how you've been able to balance the superb play
with all the time and energy you give to...
To so many charities and all of your fans, too.
Well, you know, I... This game is about...
Tradition and... and integrity and honor.
You know, the us open is... is it for us,
so I'm just gonna go out there tomorrow and, uh,
try and make some good swings, and...
Lord willing, I'll put up another good number tomorrow.
The antichrist shoots 67.
Believe that?
Yeah, the old antichrist had a hot putter today, boss.
Thanks a lot, Jim. It's good seeing you.
Yeah, it's great to see you.
Hey, Luther. Be well, buddy.
I'll see you out in the trenches.
Mr. Simms! Mr. Simms!
I gotta run right now, but I'll see you later.
Christ almighty Jesus.
No, it's either cover or nothing.
They want you for usa weekend.
We're telling them it's either the cover or no go.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Excuse me, Mr. Simms. Excuse me.
Would you mind giving our grandson an autograph?
Can I please have your autograph, Mr. Simms?
Can you people not see that I'm busy?
I'm working here. This is my office.
Do I come to your office and ask you for your autograph?
I don't think so. Jesus.
What an ugly dog.
It's... it's... it's okay, Joe.
- It's okay. - Oh. Come on.
Hey, Gary.
Hey, nice playing.
Hey, helluva round, Dave.
- Oh, thanks a lot. - Great start, simmsy.
I got lucky out there.
Hello, cup.
I heard that you put a monster number up there.
Yeah, well, it could have been worse.
You know, I played in the pro-am
with some asshole movie star here once.
Shot an 82.
Now, how in the world...
Did a great ball striker like yourself...
A legend...
Manage to put up an 837
well, I missed a 4-foot putt on 18
for an 82.
That's how.
Ain't like playing some muni track in brownsville, is it, bucko?
Does, uh, integrity, tradition, and honor
include kicking a man when he's down?
Come on, Molly. This is just guy stuff.
- Oh. - It's just bar talk.
No offense. Right, cup?
You know, this man still has a lot of great golf shots in his system.
Molly, it's okay. Just go away.
Just... I don't need any attention right now.
I'll bet you $100 right now that Roy here
can hit a ball
through that door, over the patio, and into the river.
And, Harold, give me a vodka tonic with a twist.
Molly, honey...
Really, this isn't dignified.
Oh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Roy.
I just wanna go back to Texas.
What about the river?
The piranha, the immortality?
All that bullshit?
You gonna drag your ass home with an 83?
You know, $200.
For $200...
I say that Roy can hit the ball through the damn bar,
out the patio, into the river,
and make that pelican right there fly off its post.
No way.
From right here.
God almighty.
This is ridiculous.
Hey.
Hey, you got this shot, pods.
You can do... It's a hooded 4-iron, man.
You just... you just turn it over,
and you start it off low... You can do it.
He can do this shot. He can do this shot.
He can do it, and anyway...
I'm not leaving till one of you men
start acting in a manly fashion.
Should we just get this over with?
One ball, one swing.
One... pelican.
From right there.
You can do it, Roy.
Come on, you're the man. Shut this guy up.
One swing?
One swing.
I'll give you four-to-one odds.
Shit, give him 10-to-1.
Romeo, I'll need a fairway.
Ladies and gentlemen, - yes.
Here's what he's got:
He's got 30 yards of bar and grill.
Then he's got to go through the French doors,
over the umbrellas, and then carry 30 yards of river.
He's got to try to pop that pelican right off its perch.
Kind of a thin lie, wouldn't you say?
Beats all that deep-shit rough you were in all day.
Fore! Fore in the bar! Come on, clear it away!
Pelican's on the other side.
Man, what a tough shot.
I betcha he's gotta be thinking
about that brutal, ego-sapping,
manhood-robbing...
83 he buried himself underneath today.
That's an avalanche of strokes, a mudslide.
Romeo, you wanna get control of that guy?
Will you shut up? Get down.
Yes! Yes!
Did you see that shot?!
Oh, my god!
That ought to cover it.
Yeah.
You know...
You're all fucking nuts.
Yeah.
You really... look good.
Oh.
J put your coffees down j
j you better step around j
j you're the only one to get this done j
j close and lock the door j
j duck down to the floor j;
j forget the phone until you see the sun j
j hey, it's all right j
j 'cause you know I'll make this fun j
j oh, when we see the morning light »
j we'll be right back where we started from j
j 'cause this could take all night >
I kind of shanked that, huh?
No, no.
- Hey, come on, you guys. - =
Romeo!
This is no time for a marathon!
It's wet out here. Damn.
Tempo is everything.
Mmm.
Perfection is...
Unattainable. = unattainable.
You know, somebody said...
Golf and sex are the only two things
you don't have to be good at to enjoy.
Really?
Can I have a mulligan?
A what?
A mulligan.
What's a mulligan?
Oh.
Just hold still. Don't move.
Oh.
And I'll show you. =- mmm.
In fact, why don't you get on top,
and I'll show you?
Mmm. Tee it up.
Come on, Roy!
Damn!
J baby, this could take all night >
j; Yeah j
jj
Welcome, everyone.
Jim nantz with Ken venturi.
The sun is struggling to come out,
the course is drying up,
and in case you're just joining us,
David Simms is tied for the lead in the clubhouse
at five under par with Peter jacobsen.
But the real story today, Kenny,
involves a driving-range pro from Texas
who shot an opening-round 83 yesterday,
but now is making a run at us open history.
The single-round record in open history is in jeopardy
because of Roy "tin cup"...
Another driving-range pro, that's all we needed.
- More obscure guys. - Unbelievable story.
Yes, heroes is what I need.
Not obscure driving-range pros.
Okay, Ben, we're back at 16.
Quickly.
Now, this putt, uh,
he's studied it from every angle,
and I'm sure he knows it's...
It... he's just got to be firm on the left-hand edge with this putt.
Thumbnails on these clowns.
I have no idea where he came from,
but here he is going 10 under if he makes it.
He's getting ready to putt.
Look at that.
Smooth as silk.
Made it!
10 under par for mcavoy.
Man alive!
This is, uh... The stuff of, uh, legend, I would say.
- Who's mcavoy? - Mcavoy?
John, you ever heard of this mcavoy guy?
Roy mcavoy after a par at 17,
an eagle to shoot 60,
although no one has knocked it on the green
in 2 here today.
This is not a shot you really wanna get aggressive with.
You gotta be conservative.
You gotta think this shot out.
He's in great position.
Well, it's a 3-shot par 5.
Especially today, a little wind in the face.
John daly, in fact, ended up in the water
trying to go for this green in 2.
237, man, to carry that water.
Jj
237, man.
3-wood.
Hit the hell out of it.
You know, Jimmy, his adrenaline may have
gotten the better of him.
If he lays up, he takes bogey out of play.
He goes for the green, he brings six in, he brings seven in.
But he's gotta remember, he's in contention.
He has a chance to win the us open. He's gotta play smart.
Wow.
Nope.
Ohh!
Jimmy, he just didn't have enough club.
Well, what the hell.
You ride her till she bucks you...
Or you don't ride at all.
If he can still knock a wedge close and make par,
it would conclude one of the most remarkable turnarounds
in tournament history.
He's got about 85 yards from here, Jim,
and the drop zone is short of the water.
And he'll need to get this on the upper level
of this multi-terraced green.
Now, that's a good solid shot
leaving him about 12 feet away for par,
a par and 62, the all-time open round record.
Good stroke.
He's got it.
Unbelievable! Roy mcavoy has done it!
You have just seen the greatest round
in United States open history.
62.
The all-time lowest round in the majors
doesn't belong to a Jack nicklaus
or an Arnold Palmer, Nelson, hogan, or snead.
It has been shot by the most improbable artist of all.
Roy mcavoy has his signature
on golf's all-time masterpiece round.
You know, I got some money from the pelican bet.
Why don't we go somewhere fancy and celebrate,
get ready for the final round?
There's nothing to celebrate.
Besides, these are my people, right?
That's right.
I'm a waffle house guy.
Gotta stay in touch with that.
Plus, he needs his carbohydrates.
Yeah.
Plus, if the boys in salome were in town,
this is where they'd be.
Okay. All right.
Yay! The legend.
Goddamn, we've been on a bus for 2 days,
riding around, riding around.
Oh, god, it's so good to see you.
It's so good to see you.
I didn't know you were gonna come.
Sweet 62!
- Hey, hey. - Put the tables together.
Put 'em together.
Put this up and rest your rump.
- Does this feel like home? - Yeah.
We just want you to know that we are with you all the way.
Doreen, uh, meet Dr. griswold.
- Uh, this is Molly. - Hi.
She's, uh, my shrink.
- Hi. - Well, ex-shrink, um...
We're sleeping together now, so I can't be his therapist.
Knew it. Thanks.
Knew what?
Oh, nothing.
Good luck.
You know what, guys?
I have got a little extra cash.
Why don't we all just go somewhere a little fancy and celebrate?
- Exactly. - Why?
Well, in honor of, you know...
This is the waffle house, Doreen.
Well, I know, and I love the waffle...
I've been dreaming about waffles for... 1,800 miles.
Yeah, me, too.
You know, here's a waffle house exactly like this
in Odessa, Texas. = yeah.
Odessa? It's in midland, ain't it?
No, it's in Odessa.
Honey, it's in Odessa. I'm from Odessa, and it's in Odessa.
I was born there, honey, and that's where it is.
To the man.
To the cup!
- To the cup! - To the cup!
You didn't have to do that.
You look particularly lovely tonight, Doreen.
Oh, well, thank you.
I don't know if anybody ever told you,
but you're really a helluva dancer.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but they had one there.
That's all I'm saying. They had one there.
Wait, wait. = it was... Odessa.
That's not what I was talking about,
and you know the place that we stopped?
Listen, there is one easy way to figure this out.
You ever tango?
- Tango? - Mm-hmm.
Uh, no.
Do you?
Well, you know...
Romeo, you dance?
It doesn't matter!
It doesn't get much better than this.
Well, this extraordinary Roy mcavoy,
he just won't go away,
this, uh, humble driving-range pro
from... salome, wherever that is.
Little town, west Texas.
It hasn't been discovered yet.
Over to 18, guys, quickly.
Kenny, this is John cook at the par 518th,
no stranger to championship play.
He's going to lay up with a 7-iron.
Meanwhile, here's Roy mcavoy.
He has the same shot
he knocked in the water yesterday, Jimmy.
The thing to do right now is tune out the gallery saying, "go for it."
He's now back in contention,
but he must continue to play smart.
Gimme a 3-wood.
Well, he's... He's pulled the 3-wood,
and he continues to play this tournament
without an ounce of fear.
That is just inexperience, just pure and simple.
This is for venturi up there in the booth
thinking I should lay up.
Yeah, what does he know?
He only won this tournament before you were born.
Caught it a little bit high,
a little breeze in his face.
That's... that's gotta go, gotta go.
He's done it again.
No, not again.
He has found the water
for the third straight day.
What was he thinking about?
Gimme another ball.
Roy.
What?
It's a water hazard.
You go up there and take a drop,
try to save par, just like you did yesterday.
You're right.
The hell was I thinking?
He's tied for the lead, this Roy mcavoy,
this tin cup, this empty cup,
this airbrain out of nowhere.
West Texas.
And, uh, I... yeah, west... Thank... thank you for west Texas.
You, uh, went for the green on 18 today.
I'm just wondering if you think that cost you.
I saved par, didn't 1?
- Well... - Didn't I?
I'm just trying to understand what you're thinking.
You had the same shot yesterday on 18 without a headwind...
You don't think I can knock it on from there?
Let's just say it's a low-percentage shot.
Well, so am I. I mean, look at me, all right?
Look what I'm wearing.
I mean, I'm playing for rio grande short-haul trucking,
brink's and brown's sanitation, uh...
First state bank of salome,
Woody's smokehouse. You think a...
You think a guy like me bothers to worry about the percentages?
Are you nervous about tomorrow, Roy?
It won't always be like this, you know.
What?
With me, surrounded by all these guys snorin',
stripper ex-girlfriend layin' across from us.
My caddy sleepin' next to her.
It won't always be like this.
Yes, it will, Roy.
It will.
Dollar bills.
Jj
Dollar bills.
Jj
First up, in the final pairing,
from salome, Texas, Roy mcavoy.
Fairways and Greens, Dave,
and don't forget to wave as I blow by.
You mean blow up, don't ya, sport?
You always do.
Jj
Awww...
Son of a...
Playing out of Houston, Texas,
David Simms.
It's okay. I know exactly where you are.
Don't worry. You're in great shape.
Jj
What kind of lie we got, boss?
Oh, shit. It's buried.
Uh-oh.
All right. Be careful. Don't... don't touch it.
I know the rules, Romeo.
Which way ya gonna go?
Go right through there.
Go for it.
No! God!
Don't worry about it. It was my fault.
I gave you the wrong club. Okay? You'll be fine.
You put a good move on the ball.
- Shut up. - Really, now, don't worry about it.
Here... you did fine. Give me the club.
Thank you very much, Jim.
We've just heard that Roy mcavoy
has taken a disastrous double bogey to open his final round here.
Ah, double back there, Roy.
Just keep makin' pars, asshole.
I'll take 18 of 'em, all day long.
Do it, and I'll own ya.
Jj
Fore!
Roy mcavoy's 2nd shot at the 2nd hole
has gone deep into the woods.
For a report on his plight,
let's go down to Gary mccord,
who has spent most of his life in the woods and in darkness. Gary?
Ben, he's in jail here.
No chance for parole.
In fact, the only thing he's got...
He's got to hit the ball back in the fairway,
try to pitch ball on the green,
and get up and down for his par.
He's got no chance to hit it on the green.
50 bucks says I knock it on from here with a 7-iron.
On the green?
Right on the green.
You got it.
Marsha, you want to move these people back right here?
I'm goin' right there.
Mccord, what you got?
What's he... what's he doing?
Ben, I think he's gonna try the old ricochet off the port-a-let
with a hooded 7-iron.
He is! He's gonna hit it right off the shitter!
I cannot believe he's about to hit this shot.
Dave, vt 1, record, record. Record this shot.
Hey!
Roy mcavoy has banked his 3rd shot at the 2nd hole
between the trees, off a water closet...
Toilet or loo, as you might call it...
And got it on the green, somehow, in three.
May be the shot, though,
that does get him right back on track here in this final round.
It could erase that double bogey at one.
It may be the best thing that ever happened to him.
Oh, that was great.
I didn't know there was a little mirror thing in here.
Isn't this cute?
Here. Let me just look at my...
Jj
Looks pretty level. Just roll it in like you know what you're doin'.
Hit it close, sport.
Jj
Yes! Yes! Yaah!
Doreen, how did he get the name "tin cup"?
Oh, he was the catcher on the high school baseball team.
The star pitcher had a big league curve.
Not all his pitches hit Roy in the mitt. Ouch.
Team thought "tin cup” was a whole lot better than "clank."
Clank...
= fuck.
Jj
Molly, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Have you ever had a Latin lover?
Where does he get his name from
is what I wanna know.
Why did you wait so long to leave that Simms character?
Well, it takes a little while to realize
that prince charming might be wearing
a beer-stained undershirt
with a sausage hangin' out of his mouth,
makin' $7.00 an hour in some armadillo-infested driving range.
You're not one of these women who tries to fix men, I hope.
I mean, men cannot be fixed and especially him.
Yeah. Well, I've been pathetically slow learning that lesson.
Molly. Hey.
- Hi. How are ya? - How are you?
Good. Hey, I could use a little help, I think.
You know, I've seen what you've done with mcavoy
and all that psychological stuff.
I think it could come in pretty handy.
Well, hey! Let me give you my card.
- Sure. - Yeah, that'd be great.
Super. If, uh, actually, if you got a few more of these,
there's a bunch of guys in the locker room could use your help as well, I'm sure.
You know what? Take 'em all.
Thanks. This is Doreen.
- Hi. I'm Doreen. - Hi, Doreen. How are you?
And, you know, my number's right there. Just call me anytime.
I do counsel couples,
so if you want to bring your caddy, that'd be just fine.
Yeah, I'll think about it, and I'll give you a call.
- Okay. - Great, thanks.
- Bye. Nice meetin' you. - See ya.
Cheers.
Oh. Cheers.
Yes! Ho!
Boom.
That puts jacobsen into a tie at seven, guys,
and that, uh, tin cup guy is 1 shot back.
Let's keep abreast of that.
That birdie by Peter jacobsen forged a tie now for the lead
at seven under with David Simms.
And Roy mcavoy just won't go away.
He's only one shot back at six under par.
Man, he's throwin' darts back there.
If we don't make some birdies, we're playin' for 2nd.
Mcavoy? You believe he's still hangin' around?
It's hard to believe that a guy named tin cup
might have his name beneath mine on the trophy.
So it's come down to the 72nd hole of this great championship,
and three men, all battling to be crowned the next open champion.
Peter jacobsen is in the fairway at 18 at eight under par,
tied for the lead with Roy mcavoy, who's on the 18th tee.
And David Simms is back there trailing by one.
Jacobsen"s layin' up.
Yeah, he took out an iron.
Jacobsen's gonna lay up, Jim,
and I think that's a very smart move.
He's tied for the lead, virtually assures himself of a par.
And with his short game, he could make birdie.
You ain't gonna have that luxury, Dave.
Not if you play to win.
Well, we've seen this position before.
Mcavoy with another perfect drive at the 18th.
The last thing he needs right now, Jim,
is an excuse to go for the green again.
I didn't catch it all.
That's okay. You have to lay up, then.
Jj
This is for par.
So birdie wins it.
Birdie wins it.
That's par. Lower 3rd.
- He's in the lead now. - Jacobsen"s in the lead.
Eight under.
And they all have to catch him.
You or me, Dave?
Wanna lay up?
He's layin' up.
Yeah.
Birdie to tie, eagle to win.
Gutless wonder's layin' up.
It's a birdie to win and par to tie for you.
You lay up, too, man.
You can still make a... birdie layin' up.
You know somethin', romes?
If I make a eagle, that puts me 10 under.
No one's ever finished an open 10 under, not even nicklaus.
You don't need an eagle to win, Roy.
Birdie wins! Par ties!
Now lay it up.
Birdie wins! Par ties!
Look, you can hole out a wedge for a goddamn eagle.
This is everything, ain't it?
This is the choice it comes down to.
This is our immortality.
You don't need to be thinkin' immortality.
You need to be thinkin', "hit the 7-iron"!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is what always happens.
He's goin' for it.
Go for it!
Molly, get a grip.
He only needs par to tie. Tell him to lay up.
He'll listen to you.
Go for it, Roy. Just knock it on.
Mol... you know, this is why we broke up.
He always went for it.
You know what my problem is,
is I've never been with a man who went for it.
Well, honey, he's your guy.
One swing, Roy.
One good swing.
John daly couldn't get there in 2.
What the hell is he doing?
Unbelievable that he's doing this. Four days in a row...
No. It's three days he's put the ball in the water.
It'll be four days if he hits this 3-wood.
Unbelievable.
Come on, baby...
- Please... - We're home.
Jj
This has a chance.
It's gotta go... This has got a chance.
I think he's done it.
Jj
A little gust there, romes.
D
Yes, he did... oh!
- Hold up! - Stay up!
- Hold up!
No!
- Stay up! Stay... - Whoa!
No! No! Go back! Back!
Aw... shit!
Jj
You can still make par from up there, Roy.
She's right, pods.
Take a drop and a stroke up and down,
we'll make par, we'll tie.
I nutted that thing.
I mean, I nutted it.
I know you did, man.
You put a helluva move on that, man.
Little gust from the gods cost me.
Okay, look, we'll go up there, we'll take our drop, we'll tie,
and we'll win it in the playoff.
I can make that shot!
I know you can, Roy, but not now!
Now!
I'm playin' it from right here, now!
Take your drop and make your par, Roy.
Now.
Take a drop, Roy.
Gimme a ball.
Unbelievable.
I can't watch this.
Fourth shot.
- Aw, honey. - Oh, my god.
Jimmy, I don't believe this.
He could go up, use the drop zone, make par,
force a playoff with jacobsen,
and get outta here.
Easy, guys. Now, he could still make a five.
- That's right. - He can still make a five.
We could still have a playoff.
Stay with him, Paulie.
Oh, no!
Gimme another ball.
Take a drop, Roy.
Roy, just...
Gimme another ball!
Roy, just take your drop.
Droppin' five. Hittin® six.
What the hell is he gonna do?
Why would he hit it from here?
All he had to do was walk up there, take a drop,
and make a 5, for cryin' out loud.
That's insane.
Somebody tackle him!
Gimme another ball.
Awww!
Shit!
Droppin' seven, hittin' his eighth shot.
I'll tell ya, it's a miracle he lasted this long.
Jj
Look at Simms. We ought to have a camera on Simms.
He can't watch.
Somebody tell this clown he doesn't have to hit it from there.
All right. Now he's droppin' nine. He's hittin' ten.
Jj
Oh, god. I'm gonna faint.
Oh, Jesus.
This is the last ball you got in the bag, Roy.
You get this one wet, we're disqualified.
I can make it across.
Well, then do it.
Quit fuckin' around.
Oh...
He's crazy.
Oh, god. He's right.
You're right, Roy. Just knock it on.
Let 'er rip!
Oh, Molly, you're losin' it.
No, I have lost it, and so has he.
He's crazy.
Honey, so are you.
11. Now this is a 12, guys.
Now he's gotta start worrying about qualifying
for next year's open and the masters here.
But he's lost this tournament.
He'll end up selling countess Mara ties
and renting golf carts the rest of his life. Look at this!
I... I don't know... Even know what I'm feeling, all right.
This is the most painful thing I've ever seen.
You know what's crazy, Jimmy?
If he doesn't finish the hole with this ball,
he can't turn in a card. He's disqualified.
Oh, my god.
Oh, dear lord, please. Oh, dear lord.
Get up! Get up! Come on, baby!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jj
There it goes!
Get over.
There ya go!
Jj
He's over.
No!
Jj
I can't believe it!
I love you!
Come on!
Jj
Unbelievable!
Jesus Christ!
Did you see this? What was that?
That was a 12. That was a 12.
He was on the green, on in 12.
Jj
Well, boss, we blew that one.
I didn't come here to play for no second, Romeo.
And Simms will always be second.
Hey, meet you back at the winnebago, man.
I'll get the blender fired up!
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
I just gave away the us open.
Excuse me. Roy!
Roy!
That was incredible!
That was the shot of this tournament! My god!
- Did you hear the people... - Molly, I just gave away the us open.
- I mean... - Oh, hell, Roy. It doesn't matter.
Molly, I just...
- Just give him a minute. - One time in my life,
I know the safe place to hit the lay-up,
and I still... shit!
I still can't make myself do it.
- It doesn't matter, Roy. - My whole career,
my whole life on the line, and I...
I just made a 12 on the last hole of the us open!
That's right, you sure did, Roy,
and it was the greatest 12 of all time!
No one's gonna remember the open five years from now...
Who won, who lost...
But they're gonna remember your 12!
My god, Roy! It was...
Why, it's immortal!
I am so proud of you!
I gotta hand it to you, Roy.
When you go down, you go down in flames.
Roy, never mind what...
Roy... kiss me.
Hey, David, you got a minute?
- Not right now. - David! David!
Can I have your autograph?
Sure. I always got time for my fans, darlin'.
Well, don't you look cute. Come on under.
Nice par, David.
Jj
Hey, do you know that by finishing in the top 15 at the open,
you qualified to be in it next year?
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, so I'm thinkin' with your game,
you could go back to the qualifying school and go out on tour.
Nah.
Then I wouldn't see you.
Uh, well, actually,
I picked up a whole bunch of new clients at the open.
A lot of the guys on tour said if I could do that much for you,
imagine what I could do for them.
Yeah, there's a lotta head cases out there.
You know, a man goes through what I've gone through,
he's supposed to learn somethin'.
I'm tryin' to figure out what I learned.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you learned a little discipline, a little self-control.
Yeah. I learned, uh...
You can't just listen to your heart.
Ya gotta... Listen to your brain.
I'm learning how to listen to that tuning fork,
throw caution to the wind,
and take crazy risks that I never thought were possible.
Aw, come on, Molly,
when did you ever take a crazy risk?
Well, I'm with you, Roy.
I'm with you.
Yeah.
You know, Roy...
We could kiss.
You mean like a... No-harm, no-foul kiss?
Yeah, kind of a semi-platonic... little...
Sweet... innocent...
Good idea!
Mmm. Yeah?
J close and lock the door j
j duck down fo the floor j
j forget the phone until you see the sun j
j baby, it's all right j
j 'cause ya know I'll make this fun j;
j and when we see the morning light ;
j well, we're right back where we started from j
j 'cause this could take all night j
j and it's a dirty, lowdown job j
j when ya do it right j
j well, you can turn it off, you can leave iton j
j I don't care about the light j
j baby, this could take all night j
J baby, don't be afraid j
j a little work won't hurt your back
j but just in case I'm wrong j
j you'll be smilin' when they pronounce ya dead j
j 'cause this could take all night j
j well, it's a dirty, lowdown job j
j when ya do it right j
j well, you can turn it off, you can leave iton j
j I don't care about the light j
j baby, this could take all night j
j well, you can turn it off, you can leave iton j
j I don't care about the light j
j baby, this could take all night j
j; Yeah j
J I'm goin' back to salome j
j things could get ugly if I stay j
j and I was just leavin' anyway, yeah j
j I could sink or swim, but then again j
j I could go back fo salome j
j to be the champion of lost causes j
j to be the cutter of the losses j
j or just to let sleeping dogs lay j
j I might be worse for wear, but, darlin', I don't care j
j I'm goin' back to salome j
I to find a friend j
j to find my way home again j
j dear lord, please lead me not astray j
j 'cause I could shoot to kill, but better still j»
j I could go back fo salome j
I to find a friend j
j to find my way home again j
j and if I die before today j
j then you can box my ass j
j speak kindly when I pass j
j and take me back to salome j