It always amazed me how Martha managed to surpass herself
with new and twisted ways of getting to me.
But involving my parents,
telling them I'd been injured in a car crash, that was next level.
I expected a lot when I walked up to the house that day.
A lot of panic. Crying, maybe. A hell of a lot of explaining.
What I didn't expect, though,
was finding my dad on the phone to her when I walked in.
I've told you, you bitch, you call me again,
I'll come to London and cut your legs off.
Yeah, you heard. Your legs.
You will, will ya?
That's gonna be pretty fucking hard to do with no legs, let me tell you.
How did she get his mobile?
The receptionist at work gave it to her. Said she was a client.
You know she spent yesterday phoning round his colleagues,
calling him a pedo, telling them he fiddled her when she was a child.
Christ.
Says the fucking mad bitch pretending to be a fucking lawyer!
HR pulled him up on it too.
- Jesus. How did he respond to that? You know what your dad's like.
He doubled down on it. Told them he had a load of kids in a van outside.
Of course he did.
You call me again, I'll make sure you breathe your last,
you fucking cow of a cunt!
Well, that's sorted. Great work, Dad. I shouldn't have bothered coming up.
Who is she, bear?
Uh, she's this woman.
She came into the pub, and she's been pestering me for some time.
Oh my God. Have you quit?
No, because that would mean she wins.
It's not about winning, Donny. It's about your safety. Quit!
We will sub you until you find a new job, won't we, Gerry?
I think the boy's right. It is about winning.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Look, look, it's fine. Okay?
The police are aware of the situation, so give 'em a call, get 'em down here.
It'll be over soon, all right? I promise.
It's all right. I'll get it.
Is that you, reindeer?
Here's your cup of tea.
Thank you.
Hm, now, I, um... I understand this is a harassment case.
That's right.
And who is the person in question?
She's a fucking bitch, that's who.
Tell you what, Gerry, why don't you let us handle this?
Uh, we'll call you if we need you.
Uh, um...
Well, she's this woman, and she's been, like, stalking me for a while.
I have this harassment warning out against her,
so I assume now that she's contacted my parents,
she's broken it, right?
Technically, she's not harassing you. She's harassing your parents.
You're kidding me?
If you want a quick resolution,
your parents would be best off making a separate allegation up here.
But that's ridiculous.
I know it can feel convoluted,
but, um, you know, we will do our very best to deal with the situation
as, um, as effectively as possible.
Sorry, this pen's not working.
Oh, look. Sorry, there it is.
One of those twisty ones.
Shall we begin?
I spent a week in Scotland, waiting for the police to take action,
watching on as Martha kept calling.
Fucking come back for more, have you?
Aye, you would say that, you fucking imbecile.
Seeing the toll it was taking on my parents.
My dad's croaky voice from shouting.
Could you pour me some orange juice?
My mum forcing this sentiment onto everything I did.
You're a good boy.
So it wasn't long before I decided to take action myself.
I figured if the police were too slow to act, too slow to protect us,
then Martha might do something worse.
It was time to take matters into my own hands.
Martha.
Leave my family alone.
- I don't know what you're talking about. - Leave my fucking family alone.
If you don't, we will never be together.
Do you understand?
I thought, with the police, we weren't on the cards anyway.
Shut up. Be quiet for a second.
If you leave my family alone...
I will hang your curtains tonight.
I wanna make sure I get it right though. All of it.
So put it in an email.
What you want to do to me.
How you want me to... hang them.
But I like it rough, okay?
So make sure it's as sick, twisted,
as depraved as you can write it, yeah?
Oh yeah, reindeer.
Okay.
Now, Mr. Dunn,
please note this interview is being recorded.
You are not under arrest, and you are free to leave at any point.
Okay. Um, thank you.
You're also entitled to independent legal advice, if you wish.
Uh, no, I d... I don't think that's necessary.
In that case, please know this interview is being held under caution.
Uh, wait. Sorry, what's going on?
Did you meet Martha Scott in the street yesterday?
Yeah, like, by chance.
Did you ask her to send you a sexually threatening email?
No.
I wanna make sure I get it right.
All of it. So put it in an email.
What you want to do to me. How you want me to... hang them.
Martha had taped everything.
I'll picnic with you. - [Martha] Oh my!
Everything. I'll hang your curtains.
The curtain references. I'm serious about you.
This one time I'd joked about checking her out.
Hey, I'm only human, Martha. Come on!
This other time we laughed about my penis size.
- I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Ten inches all round.
I remember that feeling, that caught red-handed, time-stood-still,
bomb-in-a-war-zone, hot-fucking-flush madness.
She's taped everything?
I can't speak for everything,
but she also showed us an email from you soliciting for anal sex.
No, that was my fucking friend on my account.
He's... he's an idiot. He... he did it for a laugh.
She's... she's harassing my parents. I just... I just needed it to stop.
I sympathize with your position, but you must allow us to do our job.
In a certain light, this could be seen as entrapment.
But Ms. Scott does not wish to take any action against you.
I'm sorry?
Ms. Scott does not wish to take any action against you.
Against me?
What the hell? She's... she's... she's stalking me.
I suggest you apologize
and let us go about doing our job again in the correct manner.
Apologize? To her? Are you kidding me?
I mean, how would I even apologize?
We can pass along your apologies
and then suggest to her, very strongly, that the two of you part ways.
The police do not want to hear from either of you again.
You're putting us on an even playing field?
Well?
Tell her I'm sorry.
It suddenly dawned on me
that Martha knew exactly what she was doing.
Exactly how to get to me and still evade the law.
It's because she's been here countless times before.
She was a repeat offender. A seasoned pro.
My stalker was a seasoned pro.
How could you be so stupid, Donny? Framing her?
- What the hell were you thinking? - I know. I know.
This woman attacked me, Donny.
Everywhere I go, I'm worried I might bump into her.
Now you're telling me I'm stuck with that for the rest of my life?
You don't need to tell me. I feel the same way.
What if she finds my Twitter, Donny,
and starts spewing crap like she did in the pub that day?
Maybe you could take your socials down for a bit.
Really? That's your suggestion?
Well, at the very least, get rid of all the rainbow unicorn stuff.
You know, protect yourself.
Are you serious? That's your recommendation? Hide myself.
If you're worried about her opinions, don't give her the bait.
- Bait? - Come on, Teri. I'm trying here.
What's wrong with having to lie low for a bit until this is all sorted?
Because of what it takes from me.
Do you understand what it's like to get to a place in my life
where I can even walk out the door?
And now I need to walk back in and bolt it shut, all because of you.
Because of me or because some fucking psycho is stalking me?
Because just there it sounded like you were blaming me for all this.
She's mentally ill, Donny,
and you indulged her.
Oh, please. Only you could make out
that having a violent stalker ruining my life
is somehow my fault.
You really wanna go there?
Yeah, I actually fucking do.
I think you love it.
I think it fits you perfectly having her in your life.
Seeing you as the thing you try so hard to be.
She's the embodiment of all your nasty repressions,
bottled up into one human being.
Jesus, Teri, come on.
You can't let her affect us like this.
It's not her affecting us. It's you.
I can't be in this anymore.
I can't have this endless disorder in my life.
Hold on, hold on.
Are you breaking up with me because of her?
No. Because of you.
I knew it was over with Teri.
She shut off her mind towards me the second she turned away.
Done. Gone.
♪ Rainy day ♪
♪ Go far away... ♪
And now at rock bottom,
the only positive I could glean from the whole situation
was that it couldn't get any worse from here.
Surely it couldn't get any worse from here.
♪ Lonely nights ♪
♪ Eight thousand sights ♪
Yes, mate. Hello.
- Can I get two pints of house, please? - Yeah, yeah.
No, you can't come in here.
- Can't stop me. You're barred.
Digsy, get Greggsy, will you?
- He's clocked off early. Why?
Air strike, mate. He's picking up.
For fuck's sake. Get Gino.
No can do. - Why?
- Oh my God. - I guess I'll sit here and wait, then.
No, you won't. I'll call the police.
Do it. See how far that gets you.
I heard they're washing their hands of the both of us.
- Excuse me, mate-- - In a minute, pal, all right?
Digsy, get her out of here.
- Come on, missy. - Don't you fucking touch me!
You have no right. No right whatsoever.
Now, I'm on my period,
and I've come in for a glass of water, which is my right to do.
You cannot deny a woman hydration when she's coming on. That is illegal.
Just fucking leave it, all right?
- What can I get you, madam? - Don't serve her, you prick. Ignore her.
Fuck me. Where did they find you? Jesus.
Go and stock the fridges or something.
I'm sorry... - Yeah. What was it? Two pints?
Yeah. - Okay.
I'd wipe that glass clean if I were you.
Fucking yeast fingers all over your pint.
You should see the woman he's with. His lady friend. Utter skank.
We call him Hunchy around here 'cause of his gutter taste in women.
He's like one of those hogs,
always sniffling around for truffles with a shitty nose.
Truffles! That's your new nickname.
- Tenner, please, mate.
- Ta. - He's a comedian, by the way.
Not a very good one.
- Not the kind of stuff you see on TV. Tell us a joke, mate.
No, he doesn't do jokes, this one. It's more props.
Googly eyes on kettles. Weird crap.
Very immature.
- You should Google it. What do I Google?
"Shite, two-bit comedian." "Shite--"
No, I... I'm joking. I'm joking. That's what it should be under.
Try "Donny Dunn comedy."
"Donny Dunn comedy."
Oh yeah. Here it is.
Do you like one-liners? Yeah. Check out Jimmy Carr.
- Jesus, mate. Is that meant to be funny? - I know.
Watch this one, right? This one here. Lead balloon.
I've got a daughter. She's two months old.
Called her Adolf after Adolf Hitler.
I'm joking! I'm joking!
She's three months old.
Oof!
Mate! I don't think you should be reading your jokes from your notepad, should you?
It's part of the act, apparently. It's "anti-comedy," it's called.
- Well, it's certainly that. - Yeah. That's so true.
I tell you what, mate.
Why don't you Google something else?
"Serial stalker torments barrister's deaf child."
What's that?
"Serial stalker torments
barrister's deaf child."
You've ruined it!
You fucking...
Oh fuck.
You've ruined it! You fucking ruined it!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! Your mouth!
Your fucking mouth!
I warned you it'd get you in trouble, didn't I?
I warned you!
Jesus! What the fuck was that about?
I gave her a cup of tea.
♪ I want you more than I need you ♪
♪ I need you so bad ♪
♪ Are you coming back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
That's the thing, son.
If you call the police, the landlord is not gonna like that.
Not at all.
We're supposed to have a manager on at all times.
The fact we just left you there, it's not good, man.
Not good.
They find out we turn the cameras towards the walls
because of the lock-ins,
and that could be our jobs because that's negligence.
That's negligence, Donny.
Hey, look. How about we come to your gig later and buy you a drink?
A nice big drink.
We'll make sure
she doesn't come within a fucking mile of this place ever again.
Fine.
♪ I started a joke ♪
♪ Which started the whole world crying ♪
♪ But I didn't see... ♪
You okay, bro?
♪ That the joke was on me ♪
♪ Oh no ♪
- ♪ I started to cry ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Which started the whole world laughing ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Oh, if I'd only seen ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ That the joke was on me ♪
♪ I looked at the skies ♪
♪ Running my hands over my eyes ♪
♪ And I fell out of bed ♪
♪ Hurting my head From things that I'd said ♪
♪ Till I finally died ♪
- ♪ Which started the whole world living ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
- ♪ Oh, if I'd only seen ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ That the joke was on me ♪
♪ I looked at the skies ♪
♪ Running my hands... ♪
- Hey, are you sure you're okay doing this? - Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Yeah? - Well, you're up next, dude.
♪ I fell out of bed ♪
♪ Hurting my head From things that I'd said ♪
♪ Till I finally died ♪
♪ Which started the whole world living... ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of this section?
Keep that noise going for Donny Dunn!
Hey! All right! Thank you. Yes! All right.
All right, here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna get this out the way up top.
You can probably tell my face is a little bruised and battered,
so here's a piece of advice.
Never give the blow job
if you are the one driving.
All right, good, good.
Just a little reminder up top.
This set is brought to you by...
Poppa Condoms. Proper condoms.
Pop a proper condom on.
Thank you very much to them for sponsoring this routine.
Okay, let's do some jokes.
Whenever I go on holiday, uh, I never wanna wear sunglasses on the beach
in case people think I'm perving on them.
So to negate this worry,
I actually like to widen my eyes.
I think you'll agree, it makes me look less creepy.
All right. Okay. So...
♪ Here's a little teapot Short and stout ♪
♪ Here is its handle ♪
♪ Here is its gout ♪
No?
All right. Yeah.
Not for you, then, that one. Fine.
Poppa Condoms.
Proper condoms for policemen who like eating Burger King.
Pop a proper Whopper copper condom on.
Oh boy.
Oh, fucking hell.
Course you didn't see anything in it. Of course you didn't.
You only saw me.
I used to think, right...
Genuinely. Hear me out here, right?
I used to think
that what you're seeing here was, like,
breaking the mold.
You know, I'd watch these fucking other comics
rising above me, and I... I just...
I never understood why... why them and not me.
But then, bam!
Reality smacks me in the face.
I am so fucking naive.
I was so naive in thinking that this was something special
that when a writer sweeps you off your feet
and says, "Hey, you've got it, kid. Let's make you famous..."
you believe every word he's gonna say to you.
'Cause it's the words you've wanted to hear your entire life.
"I believe in you... as much as you believe in yourself."
And you'll do just about anything in the world he asks of you
because... because fame encompasses judgment, right?
And I... I feared judgment my entire life.
That's why I wanted fame, because when you're famous,
people see you as that, famous.
They're not thinking all the other things that I'm scared they're thinking.
Like, "That guy's a loser or a drip or a fucking faggot."
They think, "It's the guy from that thing."
"It's the funny guy."
And I wanted so badly to be the funny guy.
Fuck your red light. I'm finishing.
So when this writer says
he only works with wild ones, and to... to face my own fears, well,
it's not long before I'm round his house, taking boatloads of drugs every weekend.
And isn't getting groomed magical?
Before you realize you're actually getting groomed.
Until you're passing out from GHB on his living-room couch,
while he tears at your trousers with his disgusting hands.
And you know it's wrong, deep down, what he's making you do.
But you just keep going back.
And you start to think,
"Is my self-respect so fucking low,
is my lust for success so fucking high,
that I will repeatedly go back to this man's house
and let him abuse me
for a little peep at fame?"
"Oh, you're a victim. You mustn't blame yourself."
Good sentiment, but let's be honest,
the fourth or fifth time you've passed out and woken up with your dick in his mouth,
you should probably think about not going back.
But, no, I just had to keep going.
I just had to get fucking raped.
Anything funny to say, boys?
My confidence is so low, right...
You'll... you'll enjoy this.
...that I let this fucking mad bitch into my life.
I work in a bar, and I gave her this cup of tea on the house.
She... she was crying, and I wanted to cheer her up.
But she... she kept coming back in time and time again,
and I... I knew she was growing attached,
but I still went along with it to satisfy my own stupid need for attention.
Hence the face. She... she did this to me.
You see...
that's what abuse does to you, you know?
It made me this...
sticking plaster for all of life's weirdos. This...
This open wound for them to sniff at.
I knew she was mad, and I knew she was dangerous,
but she flattered me, and that was enough.
And now... I really don't know where it's gonna end.
I really think one of us is gonna have to die now, and I'm not a killer.
Yeah, go on, walk out. There'll be puns in the next section.
There's a guy dressed as a train conductor.
I'm sure that's gonna be funny.
I met this trans woman.
You should see her.
She's the most beautiful person you've ever met, and
I just couldn't...
...love her.
And I see it now.
I see what it was that I lost in her.
Moreover, I see why I messed it up in the way that I did.
And it's because of this, right?
It's because I loved one thing in this world more than I did her, right?
One thing.
And do you know what that one thing was?
Hating myself.
I love it.
I'm addicted to it.
I don't know anything else.
Because God forbid ever taking a chance at life.
God forbid ever taking a chance at happiness.
And that's why I messed it up with her.
Because I hated myself so much more than I loved her.
And I loved her so very much.
I've spent my whole life
running away.
And this...
This competition, this was just another hundred meters
in a marathon I was never gonna finish alive.
So I'm gonna stop running now.
Because I just don't have the legs for it anymore. I just don't.
Yeah.
Don't know how I started coming out with all this, to be honest.
Really not sure how to finish.
Oh, actually...
Poppa condoms, proper condoms
for policemen working in helicopters
who enjoy eating Indian food and Burger King.
Pop a proper Whopper chopper copper popadam condom on.
Are there any questions?
Well, then,
I look forward to winning this competition.
♪ Golden boats float down a ♪
♪ River of sighs ♪
♪ Rain on the street is falling ♪
♪ Tears in my eyes ♪
♪ Wings of an angel open ♪
♪ In the dark sky ♪
♪ Rain on my face is falling ♪