(CHRISTY SOBBING)
(SOBBING GROWS LOUDER)
(GROANS) I gotta pee, anyway.
So, how's it going?
Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
Yeah, you did.
What's going on?
What's going on is the Mitchells have been married for ten years.
Alright, you're gonna have to connect the dots a little more.
I waited on the Mitchells when they first got married
and they come back every year for their anniversary.
And tonight, was their 10th anniversary.
You know what that means?
Need more dots.
I've been at that stupid restaurant for ten years.
Oh, well, then happy anniversary to you, too.
Waitressing was just supposed to be a temporary thing
until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life.
Same thing happened when I sold knock-off handbags
at the flea market. I thought I'll do this for a few months
to pay back my bail bondsman.
Next thing I knew, I had 300 teenagers
working for me in China.
I wanted a career. Not just a job.
What about going back to school?
I'd have to get my GED first.
- You never graduated high school? - No.
Huh. That doesn't reflect well on me, does it?
Okay, no problem. Take the test, get your GED.
What kind of career am I gonna have with a high school diploma?
Fine, then your next step is going to college.
Oh, yeah, right. With all the extra money we have,
I can go to college.
You can apply for scholarships--
Will you stop trying to fix the problem
and just listen to my feelings?
Now I know why men hate us.
Are we almost done here? I have to pee.
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪
Anyway, she's just afraid she's gonna be a waitress
who lives with her mother for the rest of her life.
- Come on, that's not gonna happen. - Damn right, it's not.
You're gonna have to take her at some point.
Thank you.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
How about we get some ice cream, go see a movie?
I don't know. It's pretty late.
It's 8:15, Alvin.
Like I said, it's pretty late.
Come on. What happened to you?
When we were kids, we wouldn't even start the night
until 11, 12:00.
Yes, well, we were young, full of life and hope and cocaine.
I'll order you a double espresso.
Yeah, but then I'll be up all night.
So? We can fool around when we get home.
You wanna go to a late movie and have sex?
What, am I Superman?
- Forget it. - We can still stop for ice cream.
I just need to swing by the Rite Aid
and pick up something to help me process the dairy.
While you're in there, get me a couple of D batteries
and a men's fitness magazine.
- Hi, I'm Steve, I'm an alcoholic. - ALL: Hi, Steve.
I've been sober nine months and 16 days.
I know, right? Miracle.
Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good.
Uh, the California Bar Association has reluctantly agreed
to let me practice law again.
Got a couple of new clients
and a pretty cool desk I found behind a church.
So, all in all, things are looking up.
Oh, and I don't know if this is appropriate, but...
What the hell? If anyone here's going through a divorce
or has slipped and fell in a large chain store,
I'll be over by the cookies after the meeting. Thanks.
Okay, that's all the time we have for sharing today...
- I liked your share. - Oh, thanks.
Listen, I've been thinking about making some changes in my life.
Is there any chance I could talk to you sometime
about how you became a lawyer?
Sure. Want to grab a coffee after?
That'd be great. My treat.
No, no, no, I got it.
I guess ever since I was a kid,
I felt that it was so unfair how some people got treated worse
just because they didn't have money.
And I always wanted to do something about it, you know?
Be the kind of lawyer who helps them get a fair shake.
You know what we call lawyers like that? Poor.
Alright, well, then I've got that part down.
My main worry is am I too late?
Is it crazy for me to try this at my age?
Not at all. You're smart, you're motivated
and a guy could just drown in those eyes.
- Excuse me? - So, where'd you go to college?
Um, I haven't exactly done that, yet.
- High school? - I never finished.
I was a little too "high" for the "school" part.
It's actually one of my biggest regrets.
Uh-huh.
- Steve? - Right here.
Yeah, so listen, I know that I have to get my GED
and get my college degree...
Right, and then you're looking at three years of law school.
So, seven years, bam, you're a lawyer.
I'm a working single mom. I couldn't go to school full-time.
So, ten years, bam, you're a lawyer.
Oh, my God.
The Mitchells will have been married 20 years.
- The Mitchells? - Oh, they're this nice couple
I wait on at my restaurant.
Well, if you stick with it, maybe, when their marriage falls apart,
you can handle their divorce.
I'd like that.
Goes without saying you want to represent the wife.
Sure.
Well, if you want some on-the-job training,
why don't you come to my office a couple hours a week
- and give me a hand? - Oh, that'd be great.
- Thank you. Let me get this. - Don't be ridiculous.
This is on the house.
Waiter, got a problem here.
Okay, when I click enter,
I will be officially signed up to take my GED test.
My first step to becoming a lawyer and changing my life forever.
What are you waiting for?
To be honest, I'm a little scared.
- Want me to do it for you? - No.
This is my button to click.
This is the first step on my journey.
No one can take it for me.
- Hey. - I really wanna play Minecraft.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - BONNIE: I got it.
- Hey. - This is a nice surprise. What's up?
You got me thinking the other night
about how we don't party like we used to
and I thought maybe I could do something about it.
- Like what? - Like tomorrow night,
you and I have tickets to see your favorite band from the '70s.
- The Rolling-- - Aerosmith!
Aerosmith!
Oh, my God, Alvin, this is amazing.
Do you realize I haven't been to a rock concert sober since...
You know, I'm gonna have to go with never.
Here we are.
As you can see, I'm not real good at organizing my files.
Yeah. How'd you get through law school?
Methamphetamines and an Asian roommate.
- Work late a lot? - That and I kind of live here.
So, anyway, if you could put all this away...
so that I could find it again, that would be awesome.
You got it.
Hang on a sec.
(BOTTLES CLANKING)
Just got to clear out these dead soldiers.
Thank you for your service, fellas.
Do you want me to file these alphabetically?
- By date? Type of case? - Yes.
Okay. Uh...
"Roxy vs. Nudes, Nudes, Nudes." What's this?
Oh, that, Roxy, not her real name,
is suing Nudes, Nudes, Nudes,
a gentlemen's club by the airport
with surprisingly good chicken wings.
Yeah, yeah, but what's the suit about?
If I recall correctly,
it is Roxy's contention, my word not hers,
that Nudes, Nudes, Nudes is paying her below minimum wage
by incorrectly claiming that she is an independent contractor.
Oh, interesting.
Does a place like that tell her what hours she has to work?
Yes, in fact, she was very disappointed
to be working breakfast.
Okay. Do they tell her what to wear?
It's called "Nudes, Nudes, Nudes", not "Pants, Pants, Pants."
And, uh, when she does a lap dance,
do they tell her what she can charge?
Yeah. I'm guessing.
She sounds like a regular employee to me.
Yeah, she does, doesn't she? Let me see that.
Hadn't actually read this, yet. I was just looking at the pictures.
I gotta tell you, you ask smart questions, Christy.
Thanks.
Yeah, I mean, it may take a while but I don't see any reason
why you couldn't be a lawyer someday.
Oh, Steve that is exactly the kind of encouragement I need.
- Hey. - Yeah, hey, back off.
- What was I thinking? - Christy, wait.
(SIGHS) Jerk.
(KEYS JINGLE IN LOCK)
- Hey. - Hey.
Listen, uh, my schedule opened up
so you don't have to watch Roscoe on Saturday.
- What about your GED thing? - Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Yes, I just won 20 bucks from Grandma.
You bet that I wouldn't take the test?
- Why would you do that? - Oh, come on, Mom.
You always say you're gonna do stuff and then you don't.
That's not true. Name one thing.
Except for the blog I was gonna start,
my line of sober greeting cards and that six-day cleanse.
Come on, name one.
What happened to becoming a lawyer?
It was a stupid dream. I can't do it.
That weirdo Steve said you could.
He didn't mean it. He just wanted to date me.
And I'm only using the word "date" because you're my daughter.
What do you expect? Men suck.
Sweetie, you're too young to be that cynical.
There are lots of wonderful men-- Oh, God, I can't even fake it.
Well, I think you're being a chicken.
And I only use the word "chicken" because you're my mother.
Look, it's over.
You said it yourself I quit things.
It's how I roll.
Mom, wait.
I shouldn't have said that. You don't quit everything.
You stayed sober.
You know, Violet, when you open your heart to me--
Oh, no, no, no, too much. I'm done, good-bye.
- Are you seeing what I'm seeing? - What?
Alvin, we're the youngest people here.
No. Wait, let me take a look.
Wow, we are.
- That woman over there is knitting. - Oh, God.
- I am so depressed. - No, no, no.
200 bucks a ticket. No one's depressed.
Besides, there are young people here.
Look at the guys at the front of the stage.
- That's security. - Really?
Who here's gonna rush that stage?
Maybe they're there to catch the band if they fall.
You want a hit?
- Can't. Sober. - Have to. Cancer.
(EXHALES THROUGH LIPS)
- You okay? - Yeah. I guess.
Why do I feel like I've done something wrong
when I haven't done anything wrong? Have I done something wrong?
No, forget it.
Bonnie, everyone gets old.
You saw Steven Tyler. Dude looks like a raisin.
It's not just about growing old.
It's that we didn't get to do it together.
We lost so many years.
Okay. How about this?
We forget about what we don't have and we focus on what we do have.
- What do we have? - The future.
I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you.
- You would? - I would.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Now what do you say we hop in the backseat
- and see what happens? - Really?
You wanna feel young, you got to act young.
(LAUGHING)
Let's do it.
- Yeah? - Okay. Yeah.
Alright. Here we go.
- You know what? - Yeah.
- Let's just use the doors. - Thank you.
- Evening, Officer. - What's going on in here?
What's it look like?
We just came from a concert, feeling a little romantic.
Really? Don't you think you're a little old for this?
Who you calling old?
It's fine, Bonnie. Thanks, Officer. We'll be on our way.
What a douche.
- Excuse me? - You heard me.
One more word and the cuffs come out.
That's better.
Word!
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
Oh, God, are you suing me?
No.
Now, listen, I gave it some thought
and I decided that I don't need you to believe in me.
- I believe in me. - I do believe in you.
No, you just wanna get in my pants.
Not "just" "in addition to."
Yeah! Whatever!
Now here's how it's gonna go!
I am coming back to work for you and I am gonna learn my ass off!
And you are gonna leave said ass alone.
And I feel like I need to say one more thing so...
That painting is very disturbing!
- Are you done? - Yes. I rest my case.
I'm really sorry.
- It won't happen again. - Good.
And just so you know,
I called the lawyer for Nudes, Nudes, Nudes
and I laid out your argument.
- You did? - Yeah.
And they wanna settle.
They're gonna give Roxy 12 grand in back pay
which will probably go straight up her nose
but the fact is we won.
- "We"? - Yeah.
You and me. We're a team.
I mean, only one of us gets paid,
seeing as you're an independent contractor but--
I don't care! That's great!
We won our first case!
Oh, God, I wanna hug you
but I'm afraid you'll take it the wrong way.
It's okay. I can handle it.
Nope, can't handle it.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Uh... hang on.
Hey, Mom. What do you mean you're in jail?
Why didn't you get a motel room?
Alright, alright, alright, I'm on my way.
(SIGHS)
Put some clothes on. We got our second case.
And I'll save us some time she's guilty.
I am so disappointed in the two of you.
I mean, what were you thinking?
He's the one who parked the car.
She's the one that mouthed off to the cop.
I don't want to hear it!
I am working two jobs
and I have to drop everything to come bail you out of jail?
I should've left you there so you could think about what you did.
- Feel young now? - Yeah, this is pretty awesome.
Oh, so now you're kissing?
Do I need to separate you two?
Mom, come sit up here with me. Now!
Don't make me pull this car over!
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪