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For hundreds of years,
people have come to our village
trying to solve the mystery of the loch.
Dr. Abernathy was one of them,
until the night he had a terrible accident.
We didn't know it then,
but that night was going to change our lives forever.
Izzie, bedtime!
Was that a good one? Very good one, that.
The one-eye, that's the one.
Yeah!
Nice one there.
Are you all right, Dr. Abernathy?
Dr. Abernathy, are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, I just need some air,
clear my head.
My God.
It's the first day of the rest of your life!
It's bleeding again.
Right here is good for me.
Yeah, listen,
why don't you tell Eddie down at the shop
I'll catch up with him later, all right? Eddie?
Yeah, Eddie. He's the owner of the place.
We have no Eddie.
All his close friends call him Eddie.
He's my brother.
You're not listening to me.
Hey, Caroline...
Yoo-hoo, Caroline. You will get your money.
I...
You look like hell.
Thank you very much.
Aren't you supposed to be at a class right now?
Probably.
You know, Mercer is going ballistic.
He wants to have a word with you after your next lecture.
You know, the one you're not at.
The dean doesn't want you around the campus.
Neither do I.
However, all is not lost.
I have a research position that's perfect for a man of your reputation.
Loch Ness.
What?
Loch Ness, Scotland.
I sent Dr. Abernathy. He had an accident. Dead.
What's his name is still there.
His research assistant, Adrian somebody.
You want me to go find the Loch Ness monster?
Is that what you're offering me, Bob?
No, John, I want you to go to Loch Ness and not find the monster.
I want you to take this state-of-the-art equipment
and prove that it's the biggest hoax of the century.
What are you doing? You know, you just...
You're stickin' another nail in my coffin.
I can't go there!
It'll look like I'm... Like I'm running after another shadow!
The only reason I'm teaching freshmen in the first place
is because I chased a no-show monster for three years!
You know that!
Come on, I won't have any credibility left at all.
You don't have any credibility.
And now you don't have any career.
Unless I say so.
What's the problem here?
All you have to do is run the sonar up the loch,
bring me definitive evidence that nothing's there,
and then I get my equipment back,
you regain some credibility,
and you get paid, John.
Screw the money. I won't do it.
That's brave talk for a guy that has to hitchhike home tonight.
You know, John,
I've got letters on my desk from the IRS about you.
Not to mention communications
from the lawyers of your ex-wife.
You know, I may be broke
and I may not have any credibility left,
but I do have some dignity.
That's blackmail, you know that?
So why don't you just
take the whole loch and shove it?
Helen, make that reservation for Scotland
for Dr. John Dempsey, Jonathan Dempsey.
Yeah, in coach, of course.
I don't know. Hold on.
John, window or aisle?
Window.
Dr. Dempsey?
Hello, I'm Adrian Foote.
Your research assistant?
I recognize you from that picture in Time magazine
when you were on the boat in Madagascar
with the lemur on your shoulder. Remember?
You've lost a bit of weight since then, sir,
if you don't mind me saying so. It suits you.
This is an honor for me.
I've read all your books on biodiversity.
Loch Ness.
In 500 AD,
St. Columba saw the beastie approaching a swimmer.
"Turn back, beastie, let the man be!" he's reported to have shouted.
It submerged.
Ever since then, people have been seeing each uisage,
that's the horse of the water.
But you watch out, beastie,
'cause your man is here.
It is. It's very comfortable.
And each room is done out in a different tartan.
I think mine's Hunting Stewart.
Is there another hotel we can go to?
Not that's open now. It's after the season.
Sounds like the ceilidh's in high gear, so...
Wait, wait, wait. What's a "ceilidh"?
Well, it's a gathering in honor of all the cryptozoologists.
You're telling me there are Nessie hunters in there?
Aye, I thought you knew.
They're all very excited at a chance to meet you.
Didn't Dr. Mercer tell you?
That's perfect.
Good.
The Danes are here, too. They're building a giant cage.
They plan to lure Nessie in with six tons of breadcrumbs.
Dr. Muller? Dr. Muller.
Adrian.
Dempsey. The John Dempsey, as in Dr. Sasquatch.
I think they were wrong about you.
He also discovered and classified an unknown species of wasp in South America.
That's all right.
Won the Tyler Award for that when he was 26 years old.
Extraordinary. He's won the NSA Award twice.
That was a long time ago. Forget about it. Everyone else has.
I read the article about you in Scientific American.
I think they were wrong, because...
Dr. Dempsey, such an honor.
Your pursuit of the yeti was seminal.
Tell me, what is your method of tracking?
My method of tracking? Well...
See, what I like to do is locate what I'm after,
then I kind of bend down here like this,
and then I give it the old zigzag here...
There is nowhere you can go.
I'm gonna get my rig, do my job
and get the hell out of Dodge.
But at least let me drive... Hey, Adrian,
chill out, all right? Have some shortbread or something. Here.
Damn midget's car.
Your car is in the drive.
Shoot.
No.
You realize you're blocking the driveway?
I do now.
Well, what do you intend to do about it?
What do you want me to do about it?
Move it, obviously.
Did I hear the word "please" in there?
I guess not.
Thanks for your help.
This is a very important scientific project.
We've a schedule.
If we find something living down there,
it's gonna be very good for your business!
Aye, and what if they don't?
This is Dr. Dempsey.
Is that a fact?
So, Doctor...
You want to find the monster, do you?
Yeah... Yeah, that's correct.
But I don't have much time, you know.
I gotta get up to Greenland before winter hits, find Santa Claus.
Excuse me.
So how much for the boat?
Well, I cannot have her defaced, you see,
with all this, equipment I see here.
That'll make a difference again, so...
I'll be wantin' £20,000.
Then I'll buy it back in a week,
less damages and 500 a day.
£20,000? You said 10.
Aye. That was for the Conquest there.
Well, I only got a week and I do need a rig.
Plus I love what you've done with the colors. Check okay?
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't pay him all that money.
Well, I'm not going to, am I?
Mercer is. Didn't he tell you, "Spare no expense"?
Take care of that, will you?
Did you come to stay with us, Dr. Dempsey?
I don't know. Who are you?
Isabel Mary McFetridge.
My mother's Laura and my dog's Bruce.
He rolled in some fish and went home.
You'll be in Room D. Bye for now.
Room D.
Hello?
They open?
Hello?
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm looking for a room for five days.
The season's ended.
We're not taking guests just now.
Well, can I... Can I see the manager?
I am the manager.
Could I...
Could I talk to the owner?
I am the owner.
Bruce got into some dead fish on the jetty.
He likes to roll in it.
Canis lupus courtship behavior. Bruce is on the make.
Are you still blocking people's driveways?
Yeah, I'm sorry... Hello?
You caught me off guard.
The little girl said that you were holding a room for me.
Isabel?
She's a wee lass, Mr. Dempsey.
We're not accommodating.
Right.
Well, let me ask you, ma'am,
when you are accommodating,
what do you usually get for a room?
£70 a night.
Well, let's make it 75,
and I apologize for blocking your driveway.
I'm sorry, but we're still closed.
Hey, please. Listen, this is the only place.
Just for five nights, please.
So you'll be another beastie hunter?
Yes. Yes, ma'am.
Have net, will travel. That's me.
£80. Please, come on, overcharge me.
It seems to be the national pastime around here.
Hello, Mr. Dempsey.
Isabel.
Hey, listen, why don't you work out a room deal with me?
Your mom's crucifying me.
How much are you offering?
Isabel!
Well, all right. This is my last offer, though.
£90 and no pets in my room.
That's really good.
Gee!
Yeah, see?
All right.
Room D. It's along the landing.
Yes!
Come on, Isabel.
Hey, look at that. Room D.
Hey, could you...
No, you're too late for breakfast.
Three of these, laddie,
and you might catch a glimpse of the beastie.
I think I got a pretty good look at one, don't you?
Some carrots.
Yeah. How many would you like?
How about four? Four. For soup.
They laughed at the very idea of a dragon in Komodo.
And then they found it.
Same with the tree kangaroo.
Right over here.
Yeah.
Same with the mega shark, of course.
And it was the same with your discovery?
The Dempsey wasp.
Satellite mapping system?
And that's CP500 sonar!
I thought only the military has this kind of equipment.
Well, nothing's too good for Mercer's army.
Beer?
No, thanks. Right. Right.
You can see every mollusk.
You can see every inch.
We're gonna see it.
I know it.
How can it not be there?
How can what not be there, Adrian?
The creature.
You know,
in prehistoric times, the loch was connected to the sea duct a bit.
It was cut off at some point during the second ice age.
Now any aquatic dinosaur living here would have been...
Trapped in an isolated aquarium,
able to sustain itself and escape extinction.
It's a nice theory.
Come on, man.
We get the Discovery Channel too, you know.
Look, I don't want to seem impertinent, Doctor,
but sometimes it sounds like you believe there's nothing there.
You're in the ballpark there.
Okay, so the locals need a legend
because their livelihood depends on it,
but what about the evidence?
It's a large pinniped. It may be a Pleistocene relic.
I believe strongly, Doctor, that what's down here is not a tabloid monster.
It's a biological phenomenon.
Come on.
Would you give me a break?
Dr. Dempsey!
Nothing on the rear scanner, Adrian!
No, there's... There's something here.
I need help to get a fix on it.
It's nothing. Probably just a chunk of driftwood or something.
It's too big to be a chunk of driftwood.
It's moving.
It's moving!
It's propelled by trapped bacterial gas. Relax.
There, see? I told you. It was just a log.
It's always just a big damn log.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Each uisage! Each uisage!
He's the water bailiff. The keeper of the loch.
He's been here since '32.
Dinner is at 7:30, sharp.
That'll be extra, of course.
Of course.
I suppose the breakfast I didn't have is included in the price, right?
Aye.
Well, that makes sense.
How's your room?
It's nice, yes. Very nice.
Are you taking over from poor Dr. Abernathy?
Yeah, I suppose I am.
He was a good man. Such a tragedy.
So you're here to solve the mystery of the loch?
There's no mystery to solve.
I don't know about that.
You're a believer?
Well, I wouldn't say yes, but I wouldn't say no.
Come on, you can tell me.
Have you actually seen it?
Well...
When I was a wee girl,
I saw a great wake in Urquhart Bay.
Three humps came up just beyond the castle there.
Really?
See, now, that's my personal favorite. The old triple-humper.
If you don't believe in it, why did you ask me?
I'm sorry.
Is there a shower?
Aye.
Thank God. I am...
But there's no hot water.
Why not?
The dog used the last of it.
I'm sorry?
Canis lupus used the last of the H2O.
He's clean as a whistle now.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute here.
Are you telling me that I'm paying £90 a night,
that's $140, I don't get the breakfast that I paid for,
and the dog gets my hot water?
I didn't know you were coming
and I didn't ask you to stay.
There'll be plenty of hot water later.
There are your towels.
Thank you. Yes, the towels. Yeah.
Yeah. Ooh, look at these.
Are you sure that they should be away from their mother?
I've seen the snow in wintertime, 5'0".
And my old grandpappy, 4'11",
we never saw him till March.
That's terrible. Except for his hat.
And my old grandmother, well, she was quite pleased.
I'll help you with that. Let me help you with that.
I can manage. Thanks.
Sorry. I was only suggesting that because you're, um,
a woman, you're not capable of...
I'm sure you're more than capable of...
As well as being a woman.
Well, if you want to.
What do you think you're doing, Andy?
I'm just pulling one for Duncan
on the self-serve pump.
I'd be obliged if you'd stay your side of the bar, please.
I do apologize, Ms. McFetridge.
Only trying to help, I'm sure.
Have you
thought any more about what I said?
I have, and the answer's still no.
You do not know what you're missin', Laura.
I've a good idea and it'll be no loss.
Hello, Mr. Dempsey. Would you like to sit with me?
Somebody who doesn't hate me. Wow.
Actually, I'd love to. Thank you.
So what do you want to do?
You want to go have a scotch and a cigar?
No. You're funny.
You think so?
Good. Well, you wanna hear some of my impressions?
I do Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse.
Here you go. I used to do a human being,
but I'm a little out of practice.
You're a great audience.
Okay, smart stuff, it's your turn.
No, hey, hey, that was good. That was good.
You're a professional, right?
What else do you do? Any more animals?
I can do the water kelpie.
Yes, the water kelpie.
All right, go ahead. Let me see your Nessie.
That's good, but I think it's actually a little more like this...
You're silly.
It doesn't sound like that at all.
Great, great.
A little success and all of a sudden, you're a critic.
There you go, Tommy.
What's his story?
Mr. Dempsey? He's taking over, like you said.
Aye, and with more equipment
than I've ever seen on the loch.
Aye, but it's strange. He's not another starry-eyed looney
looking for a monster. The direct opposite, in fact.
He says it doesn't exist.
How long is he staying?
As long as it takes him to prove his point.
He thinks five days.
Did he pay in advance?
Bruce, drop!
Fetch it.
Not for Magnus, not with his coloring.
Good day to you, Laura. And how are you today?
Not so bad, Mrs. McFarlane.
Hello, Mrs. Tait. Laura.
And your lovely Isabel, is she well?
Fine, fine.
She's becoming quite a handful these days.
Do you have any spare milk today?
Yes, yes.
That'll be for the guest, I suppose.
Aye.
The American. He bought a bonny pair of socks.
A single man. Very nice, very good-looking.
I thought you'd closed for the season.
I had, too. But he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
So he'll be staying a time then?
A time, aye.
Is that him out there now?
Heavens, what's he done to the boat?
Is that some sort of equipment?
Aye. I heard he had equipment.
It'll be Andy's boat he's using.
It is.
Does Andy not mind you accommodating?
What's he got to do with it?
Well, nothing.
Just I heard that you two had an understanding.
We certainly do not.
And whether or not I choose to take in guests
has absolutely nothing to do with Andy Maclean. Thank you.
This loch is 25 miles long.
That's 263 billion cubic feet of water.
That's more water than all the lakes in England and Wales put together.
Can't you read?
"Beware"!
"Private"!
Why don't you go and invade a small country in South America
instead of invading my water,
my privacy and my monster's privacy?
Did he say his monster?
That's Gordon Shoals. He's a total fruitcake.
He's been here 16 years now.
Beware the Ides of March,
Dr. John Dempsey!
The water never gives up its dead!
Yes, I know who you are!
And so does the monster!
And you're in a free country!
The only bit of her you're gonna see
is the inside of her bloody stomach!
Because she loves me! Nutter.
She doesn't love you!
I talk to her!
We got company.
You expecting anybody, Adrian?
What are they doing?
I don't know.
They're gonna hit us.
Get out of the way! They're gonna hit us.
Hey!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
They've ruined the whole sweep!
Aye, that's a fact.
Listen, in the old days,
when a man transgressed,
you put him in a barrel and slid him down the hill.
And when a woman transgressed...
And was it God Almighty himself deciding the sins, I wonder?
Or maybe some local men with fish eggs for brains
who acted without thinking?
Don't worry, Laura. Your business is safe.
So sabotage makes everything just grand for the community, does it?
And what do you know about the community, young lady?
Any luck today, Professor?
They tell me you're the law on the water.
Is that right?
Do you know what happened to me out there today?
Caught a cold, by the sound of it.
Very harsh climate in these parts.
Yeah, you listen up, Scottie.
Don't think you got some American patsy
to play highland games with.
I'm not gonna be run off by a bunch of
tight-fisted weenies in kilts.
You got me?
Well, now you listen to me,
you arrogant young whippersnapper.
The people you are speaking of are the Celts.
Hung the heads of their enemies from the manes of their horses.
You'll never solve the mystery of the loch.
The Creator made it that way and it is to stay that way.
The Chamber of Commerce is behind this racket, Mr. Water Bailiff.
This has nothing to do with creation, this is all about the economy.
And what told you that? Your lenses, your lights, your computers?
Well, I'm not a boastful man, but I'll tell you something,
I know more about these waters
than any of your machines.
I was baptized in them
and I am the keeper of them.
And I'll tell you something else.
This mystery goes all the way back to St. Columba himself,
who saw it and stated it in the name of Kirk!
Let's see. Would that be Captain James T. Kirk?
You and your puny machines
will never destroy 1400 years of mystery.
I'll tell you what,
come out on the loch tomorrow and you watch me.
Good morning. Let's do it.
Fine. Don't thank us.
We liked being here since 4:00 this morning.
I'm gonna blow this bull... myth out of the water once and for all.
It's no myth. Don't start.
Turn the aperture correction down to three, please.
He must be halfway up the loch.
I don't think he's found anything.
I've heard he only eats the whites of his eggs.
Never touches the yolk.
He walks in his sleep, you know.
No?
Aye?
A lot of Americans do that.
And he sleeps in the nude.
Maybe the sonar activity has driven it to the far end.
I mean...
Maybe we've got it cornered.
End of loch.
End of the Loch Ness monster.
It's over, Adrian.
If you want to know what all that means,
it's time to rewrite your guidebooks, Water Bailiff.
The computer...
The printouts show cracks alongside the loch.
Something could have been hiding in there.
Come on, Adrian. If there's a 30-foot dinosaur out in the water,
don't you think we would have seen it?
But too many people have testified!
Priests and policemen! Ten thousand others.
You think that's some sort of mass hallucination?
That's not my problem. I did my job as ordered.
I proved it wasn't there. Signed, sealed and delivered.
So it's over then? Because you say it is?
What would you know about it anymore?
You'll not find a dinosaur in the bottom of a whiskey glass!
Listen to me...
No, no, no, you listen to me, Dr. Negativity!
I don't know what you're doing here,
but you're not fit to shine the shoes of Dr. Abernathy!
"You cannot find something you don't want to"!
You remember those words?
Dr. Dempsey, you should, because you wrote them nine years ago!
Shit.
Hey, come here, let me tell you something.
Hey, you want to yell at me, that's fine...
You want me to yell at you some more?
That's fine, because I'm not finished with you!
Hey, let me just say something first, will you?
I've been here, Adrian, I did this.
I'm the guy who blew his reputation chasing Sasquatch, remember?
British Columbia, 1986? You found the tracks!
You still don't get it, do you?
I am a joke.
I'm the guy who chases looney tunes.
And you think I don't want to find something out there?
If I nailed a dinosaur in Loch Ness,
I would be vindicated 1,000 times over.
I would have it all back.
And more.
But it's not gonna happen. There's nothing down there.
There's nothing up in British Columbia.
There's nothing unexplained flying around the skies at night.
That is just a wish list, Adrian,
to make us feel like there's something more to life
than the shit we got stuck with.
Believing is not enough.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
Will you sit down, Izzie? Come on.
I'm just not comfortable at all.
But you have a cushion, so you should be.
Is there any napkins?
Tomorrow, I'll get some napkins, I promise.
Promise? I promise.
I'll get it tomorrow. What else do we have to get? Milk.
Biscuits.
Pota... Potatoes.
Potatoes.
You look sad, Mr. Dempsey.
My mommy asked if you'd like to come in over
and have dinner with us before you leave.
Would you like to come and have dinner with us?
This is very nice.
Mr. Dempsey?
Isabel said that you were...
You were expecting me to join you for dinner.
Right, right. Yeah, of course.
Maybe I misunderstood.
I tell you... Why don't I just take this upstairs and...
No, no, no. I wouldn't hear of it, honestly.
Is there anything wrong with it?
You've hardly touched it.
No, no, it's wonderful. It's just, I wasn't very hungry.
Have you finished on the loch?
Yeah. Yeah, I've finished.
How come you didn't come on holiday with your wife?
Isabel!
That's all right.
Number one, I'm not on holiday,
and number two, I don't have a wife.
- Never? - Izzie!
No, I did once.
She ran off?
Yeah, she ran off.
Weren't you really nice to her?
Isabel Mary McFetridge!
As a matter of fact, when I wasn't in the jungle, I was very nice to her.
I even discovered a new species and named it after her.
Is that true? What did you discover?
A parasitic wasp.
A wasp!
I named it protus carolinus.
The resemblance was uncanny.
You laugh now, but I tell you, this was one very dangerous wasp.
After it stings you, it hires a lawyer.
Well, the pub's open.
Finish up as you like. I'll clean it off later.
Well, yes, thank you very much for dinner.
She's lonely, too.
The winds whistled down the glens
at 150 miles an hour. 150!
My uncle, Donald, he had one ear bigger than the other,
and when the winds blew,
it would corkscrew him down into the ground.
Your good health, sir. Your good health.
Stuart, the same?
Hello there, Adrian. What can I get you?
Nothing, thank you very much. I'm... I'm all right.
Could I just say that you are looking
particularly lovely this evening?
Thank you.
Will you marry me?
No!
Not tonight.
Besides, I make it a rule never to marry anyone who asks me in a bar.
Very wise.
Well, perhaps you wouldn't mind
passing these on to Dr. Dempsey
to take back to America with him.
The hotel still had a few of Dr. Abernathy's...
Of course I will. But if you want him, he's in the kitchen.
Um, no, thanks, I think I've had quite enough
of the great and world-famous Dr. Dinky for the moment.
I have everything you wanted, yes.
I have the photos, I have printouts,
I have sonar readings, the works.
Yes. Yes, I realize that.
I won. Yes, I will.
I will see you in Los Angeles tomorrow.
Right.
How do you do that?
Do you realize that is 12 in a row?
I'll tell you what, here. Close your eyes a second.
Go on, close them. I just want to shuffle 'em up here,
so they're a little different.
All right. Go ahead, open.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. You give up?
You don't have a queen.
How do you do that?
I saw it in the mirror.
Yeah.
Let me just teach you one more game here, all right?
Here. All right. Here we go, five cards. Go ahead, pick 'em up.
No beastie.
No beasties!
That's a fact!
Dr. Dipstick says so!
That's a fact.
All right, I'll raise you four.
You're bluffing again, Mr. Dempsey.
That is amazing, absolutely amazing. Good for you.
Look, Mommy. Mr. Dempsey taught me how to play poker.
Mr. Dempsey says he'll take me to Disneyland someday.
Yeah, well, forget Disneyland,
we're going to Vegas, kiddo.
Bed, please, Izzie. Now.
May I kiss Mr. Dempsey good night?
You can.
Good night. Good night, Mr. Dempsey. Thank you for playing with me.
Thanks for taking my money.
You taught her poker.
Yes. Yeah. I, I did.
I'm sorry if I did wrong there,
but do you have any idea
the odds against somebody winning that many times in a row?
She inherited it from her grandmother.
Grandma was a card shark?
No, it's the ability to see things sometimes.
They call it St. Columba's gift around here.
Yeah. Well, whatever it is, I could use some.
Her grandmother,
she could read tea leaves
and she could tell you whether your baby would be a boy or a girl.
I didn't inherit it, but little Izzie did.
The only thing I got from my grandmother was bad eyes.
No, I think you have nice...
What...
What I meant was that I'm... I'm far-sighted.
This bag is for you.
It has the rest of Dr. Abernathy's things in it.
Adrian thought that you could, um...
Right, right.
take it back with you. Right.
Right. Good night, Mr. Dempsey. See you tomorrow.
John.
All right, I'll see you in the morning. Sleep well.
Will you be hurt very much if Mr. Dempsey goes home tomorrow, Mommy?
Of course not. What a question.
Perhaps he won't go.
Why do you say that?
Because I don't want him to and nor do you.
Isabel, whatever makes you think that?
You look at him. I've never seen you do that.
Well, of course I look at him.
What else am I supposed to do?
It's nice to be pleasant to guests,
but you can't make them your friends.
I've told you that before.
Yes, Mommy.
Now go to sleep, please.
Yes, Mommy.
Stop "yes-mommying" me like that. He's a guest, that's all.
And don't give me that I-know-what-you're-thinking look either.
He'll stay if you ask him.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
If they do, use dynamite. Mr. Dempsey taught me that.
Problem?
Yeah, yeah, I... I don't seem to have the knack.
It has a slight highlands temperament.
It needs a little encouragement here.
Need any help?
No, the air just needs to be taken out of the pipes.
Can you watch the taps and tell me when the water arrives?
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
I'm a PhD.
Yeah, I hear something.
Aye, it's running. Touch wood.
"Touch wood"?
Back home, we knock on it.
You'll be leaving us in the morning.
Will you be requiring breakfast?
No. Thanks.
Well, you know, it's included in the price.
I realize that.
Well, if you want to, you can always change your mind.
About what?
Breakfast.
Right.
We're goin' out again. Let's go.
You can bring your pillow, but let's go. Come on.
Tell me something, Adrian, where were you the night Abernathy got himself killed?
I was at the Moffat Arms.
But he left alone, right?
Aye.
He'd had a few malts, said he needed some air.
I offered to drive him home, but he wouldn't let me.
Yeah, but then he wouldn't have seen it.
Seen what?
That is the last photo on his roll.
And that is not the tail of a diving otter.
It's not a vegetable mat. It's not even a soliton.
I don't know what it is, but I'll tell you something.
My guess is it's part of something very large
and very much alive.
Why do people keep doing this?
Some people don't respect the loch.
They upset the waters.
Somehow it got by us.
Maybe it's hiding.
What are they?
Salmon.
Look at them all.
You notice anything unusual about them?
Like what?
Like they weren't there yesterday.
Like where the hell did they come from?
Is that more salmon?
No, see, that's a separate object...
chasing the salmon.
Three feet.
Eel. Could be a conger eel.
Yeah.
No, it's still coming.
No, that's a big vertebrate.
A sturgeon, yeah? A sturgeon maybe.
It's still coming.
My God, that's nine...
That's 17.
That's 40 feet long!
It could be a submerged vegetable mat.
Yeah, maybe. No, no, no!
Fire up the strobes.
It's moving this way and it's coming towards the surface.
Where are the damn cameras?
All recording.
Hold it steady.
I can't, it's moving too fast.
Hold it steady. It's moving too fast! It's moving too fast!
I've lost him! I've lost him!
Fifteen knots.
That's 15 knots. That's coming straight at us!
Get back!
Adrian! Help!
Dr. Dempsey!
John!
Is he dead?
Maybe.
Alive! Alive! Look, he's alive!
I saw it. It's down there.
I saw it, I swear to you. Good!
I swear to God I saw it. I swear to you, I saw it!
I gotta get out there again.
You're going nowhere until you see a doctor.
My God, it's true, isn't it?
You said you'd seen it. You did! You did!
No! I've never seen anything.
I was just giving you a tourist story.
Well, I have! I've seen it!
God, I feel like...
John! Stop.
No, I'm sorry, I...
Izzie, did you want a drink or something?
Izzie... Water, probably. Here we go.
Anyway, that's your, basic mouth-to-mouth method.
It's a good thing that Adrian was up on his lifesaving.
Could, help me with this here?
Did Adrian kiss you, Mr. Dempsey?
You stay right where you are.
I'm gonna call a doctor.
You don't have to do that.
Did you see the kelpie?
Yes! Yes, I did. I think I did. Yeah.
What? What?
Would you like to see it again?
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I do.
Of course I would, yeah.
Is the entire boat wrecked, Bailiff?
Demolished.
And all his gear.
Well, I hope the bugger drowned.
No, no, no, he's very much alive
and you'll find him over at Laura's pub, I'm sure.
I'm not drinking at Ms. McFrigid's place at present.
She did not look very frigid to me.
No, he was sitting there having his dinner and
playing games with the wee lassie, just like one of the family.
His equipment may have gone,
but there's something keeping him here.
Well.
It's bloody cold out here.
Dr. Mercer called about what happened.
I'm sorry, but he's coming over.
Look, to be quite honest with you,
I should tell you that I didn't actually see something out there today.
I mean, I didn't see a monster.
I'd like to say that I had seen something,
but I couldn't honestly back you up or anything. I mean...
It is going to be a bit difficult to do any more
without any equipment, isn't it?
I mean, it's not as if we can see...
It's down there.
It's out there. I know it is.
Go away, you charlatans!
Crazy...
Stay away from my monster!
He's not your monster, he's my monster!
I saw him first. Do you hear me?
My monster!
Hello?
Yeah...
Dr. Mercer, did you say?
Yes, yes, that's right, John Dempsey.
Yes.
I'm sorry, but he left here yesterday.
I said we're closed for the season.
Have you tried the Isle of Skye?
Get up, Yank! Take what's comin' to you.
Whoa, hold on a second, will you? The boat's insured, all right?
It's not the boat, you pillock.
You just get out of my woman's house!
Your woman? That's great.
Your woman? What, do you think she's sheep or something?
Give me a break. Okay, are you thinkin' of movin' in yourself?
Andy, stop it!
Stay out of this. It's between him and me.
Will you stop it? You have no right!
John, don't fight him.
Me? I'm not fighting anybody.
Andy! Shut it, you sleekit whore!
Come on. You can't talk to a lady like that!
I'll talk any way I want. Or are you the man to stop me?
You know what? I'll tell you...
Give me your best shot here, Bigfoot.
Hit him again and I'll deck ya!
You wouldn't dare.
Thank you for standing up to him.
The lights went out pretty quick.
Did I touch him at all?
Well, aye, you did. You got a few in.
Liar.
Now, you stay right where you are.
I'm gonna put some camphor on those cuts.
You're gonna live, John.
Touch wood.
Izzie? What are you doing up?
I made something for Mr. Dempsey.
Night-night. Night-night.
Dynamite.
That is so sweet.
"The American.
"Very nice, very good-looking.
"He bought some bonny socks."
Laura McFetridge, you're such a scandal.
"Get well, Dockter Dimzee."
Mr. Dempsey.
Hi.
I'm sorry if I woke you, I was just...
I was on the way to the bathroom.
Do you like my get-well card?
Yeah! Yes, yes.
It's... It's fantastic.
It's the perfect elasmosaur,
right down to the rhomboid frontals. See?
No, Mr. Dempsey. It's a water kelpie.
So this is your kelpie?
It's my friend.
Are you telling me you actually saw...
Aye.
"Aye."
You're laughing at me. You don't believe me. No one does.
I shouldn't have drawn it.
No, no, no, I'm not laughing at you. It's just that...
I have to see it before I can believe it.
No, Mr. Dempsey.
You've got to believe it before you can see it.
I believe you.
And I want to see it.
Do you? Yeah.
More than anything in the world.
Do you know what I want more than anything else in the world?
Yeah, what?
A red bicycle.
It's a deal.
It's a secret. You can't tell.
We can't bring Bruce 'cause he barks.
Wait, wait! Wait for me!
Come on, Mr. Dempsey!
Please be quick, Mr. Dempsey.
Slow down! Slow down! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Isabel?
Boy.
Okay, the joke's over.
Where are you, Isabel?
Holy moley!
I'm here.
That's great.
I'm a grownup, how am I supposed to fit through that?
You can hold your tummy in.
I can hold my tummy in.
Thank you very much.
This whole country is made for midgets.
Wet frozen midgets!
Jeez, that's great. Now I'm stuck.
Please be quick, Mr. Dempsey.
"Please be quick, Mr. Dempsey."
This is crazy.
Where'd you go?
My God, this place is amazing!
Turn the light off. It scares them.
Be very still.
Where are we?
Shh! Listen.
Sea otters.
My God.
Sea otters, water kelpies, aquatic mustelids.
Come on, Izzie. Let's go.
I've had enough.
Iz... Iz...
Isabel.
Don't move.
It's okay.
It's all right. I've got you.
He's just playing.
Boy.
No!
Izzie? Izzie!
Izzie!
My God! Izzie!
Are you okay?
I told you about the light!
I'm sorry, I...
Damn you to hell.
You had no right.
No. Come on, come on.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
This can't be.
Come on, please, please...
Yes! Yes! Yes!
God, yes!
The head! God, yes!
You bastard!
You could have killed her!
What are you...
You're just for yourself. That's all that matters.
Use people, as long as you get what you want.
Using me... I mean, I should have known better,
but to use a child!
No, it wasn't like that.
Yes? And what was it like? She nearly drowned!
Laura... Don't you touch me.
Don't you dare touch me. All right, all right, all right.
Look!
Look what I have. Come on, look at it!
Yeah, you got your precious monster.
You've got your Scottish souvenir.
I hope you got your money's worth.
A man's here.
Yeah.
No. No, no, God.
It's a convergent sub-species.
It's a hybrid of plesiosaur and elasmosaur.
You actually saw this?
Now wait a minute, John.
Hold on a minute.
Now you're saying that this is the real... Real thing. You saw it?
No, I don't believe it.
I can't believe it. It's not possible.
I don't believe it.
You saw it, didn't you?
You did. Yeah, all right.
I believe it. I believe it!
I knew it had to be there.
I knew there was something.
You told anyone?
No.
You sure?
Yeah.
Let's keep it quiet until after the press conference.
I'll call London today. We'll have a symposium
at the Royal Academy tomorrow. You have a suit?
Yeah.
You? You have a suit? No!
Hello?
What is this?
Money?
Hello?
Mr. Dempsey. Yep.
Your bill is in your room.
I believe it's as we agreed.
There'll be no extra charge for the sex.
That's a service I offer all my guests.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me explain.
About what? This is crazy.
You've solved your mystery, John,
you found your missing link. You can leave now.
No, no! I found a colony of prehistoric animals!
Look at this, they're alive! I'm very happy for you.
Hey, it's not just for me.
This is gonna be good for all of us. Don't you realize that?
Come on, Laura, you're gonna have scientists, marine biologists,
every lab and university in the world is gonna want to stay here.
You mean when they turn the loch into Marineland,
with the kelpie performing tricks for a few sardines?
It's not gonna be like that. This is science.
But how do you stop it?
Will you be there along with the other 10 million nature lovers
queuing for a McNessie burger?
What do you want me to do? You want me to ignore this?
You want me to pretend that I didn't see this?
That's up to you.
Come... Look, look at this. Can you see that?
I've waited my entire life for this.
Good.
Come on! You're not even lookin' at it!
I don't want to look at them! Don't you get it?
I don't want to know anything about them!
There are some things that are
meant to be left alone.
I would have thought that you would have understood that.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Where's Isabel?
She doesn't want to see you.
She trusted you, John.
Here. Have three drams, laddie,
and you might catch a wee glimpse of the beastie today.
Hi, Izzie.
Why did you do it? You scared it away. They'll never come back.
Look... yes, they will.
I'm sorry, don't be upset. It's not your fault.
It is my fault. I did wrong.
No, you didn't.
No, see, I don't think it's something
that you and I can just keep to ourselves.
I think it's something we have to share with everybody.
Why do we? I only wanted to show you.
I thought you liked me.
I do like you.
And you're going.
I would do anything not to hurt you.
You've gotta believe me, Izzie.
It's just that I... I don't know what...
See, there's...
There's nothing I can do right now.
I know.
Hey.
By tomorrow morning,
you just may be the most famous man in the whole world.
I need a drink. You want anything?
I don't drink. I'm gonna take up wind surfing, though.
The Royal Academy's too small.
I got the Natural History Museum instead.
No! No, no, no, no. I'm not blowing off Larry King.
I'm saying it's fine if we could do it by satellite,
'cause I'll be here. Adam, get the phone, the phone.
Hello? Hello? What?
Have another. It's a celebration.
If you're gonna hang my head from a horse's mane,
I wish you'd get it over with.
No, sir, I wouldn't do that now.
No, you've beaten the loch.
There's no disputing that.
Savor it is my advice.
May I?
Yes.
Yes, let's see.
1953 was the first time that I went to London.
I didn't think too much of it.
And I swore to myself that
if ever I went back, it would have to be for a very good reason.
We both know why you're here, so let's not play games.
We cannot let
the survival of the last specimens of the Ice Age
depend solely on the work of one man.
It doesn't make any sense.
Science can take care of them professionally.
The sad thing is that you really believe that, don't you?
Yes. Yes, I do.
It wasn't exactly science that helped your discovery, was it?
It was a wee girl.
Nine years of age.
And wasn't it your precious science
that gave us all this acid rain and pollution
and warming air in the first place?
These creatures have survived for 15,000 years
without your help, Mr. Dempsey.
What makes you think that you're so special,
I...
This is very hard for me.
I'm a proud man,
and I have never asked anybody for anything in my life
as I'm asking you now.
Don't do this, Mr. Dempsey.
Well.
Well, I have a loch to tend to.
Thank you. Safe journey to you.
Is the mystery of Loch Ness finally solved?
The world's media is gathering tonight
at the Natural History Museum in London,
where a new American underwater survey
will claim to have discovered definitive evidence
of the existence of the Loch Ness monster.
John? John, John.
Let's go.
Lead on, McDuff.
Certainly.
I've seen two miracles tonight.
One is a man rising from the dead.
It's good to be alive again, Bob.
Nice suit, John.
Thank you, Dr. Binns.
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.
When I, When I began my expedition to the loch,
it was based only on a hunch.
But as we all know, so many discoveries have been made
by using a little imagination and,
bending the rules,
like, Newton, Galileo.
And with this in mind, I asked my colleague, Dr. Jonathan Dempsey,
to concentrate his efforts on the scientific enigma of Loch Ness.
I'll ask him now to present you with his findings.
Dr. Dempsey.
I used to dream about this when I was a kid.
But I have to admit, this is,
much more overwhelming than I thought it would be.
I'd like to say that I wouldn't be here today
if it weren't for the confidence and the trust
of the architect of this study, Dr. Robert Mercer.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the mystery of Loch Ness solved.
Nessosaurus maurus.
A bit murky.
Did they balls up the slides?
What's going on?
I...
It's getting better to me.
You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry, I apologize.
Ladies and gentlemen... Sit down, Bob. Sit down.
You know, I... I canceled dinner for this.
It's all right, just a mistake.
I hope so.
Ladies and gentlemen, when you see this next picture,
I hope you have the courage to ask yourself the question,
"Where's Waldo?"
Waldo?
What's Waldo?
I'm sorry, I don't know what to say.
No, it's not a hoax. This is not a hoax as far as we're concerned.
This is purely the Americans...
- Who's what? - Who is Waldo?
"Who is Waldo?" I have no idea who Waldo is.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
The whole thing was a ridiculous hoax.
I never saw them.
I... I had the pictures made up by computer before I even came.
Please.
John Dempsey, you are either the biggest bloody fool that ever lived,
or you are the biggest bloody fool that ever lived.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Where are you going?
Home.
Good luck.
Professor!
Adrian was with me, and we stopped along the pier,
he saw the pictures.
Will you tell, Dr. Binns about the photos?
What photos would they be, exactly?
Well?
I'm waiting.
"Arrietty had not been asleep.
"She had been lying under her knitted coverlet,
"staring up at the ceiling.
"It was an interesting ceiling.
"Pod had built Arrietty's bedroom out of two cigar boxes,
"and on the ceiling, lovely painted ladies dressed in..."
What is it?
There's a car blocking the drive.
Do you realize that you're blocking the drive?
I do now.
Well, what do you intend to do about it?
What would you like me to do about it?
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