Downloaded from YTS.MX
[sleigh bells]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
*
[upbeat guitar music]
*
You know that moment when you finally understand life?
You just get it?
Well, this was my moment.
I got it. Everything and everyone in my life fit into
a neat, little box.
Here are the individualist hipster clones...
and the better-than-you bankers.
[scoffs] See?
I knew exactly what was what, who was who,
and most importantly, who I am.
Aw, the yummy mommies.
[indistinct chatter]
[Olivia] Look, we all do it.
We give ourselves labels to feel we belong.
Silly, really. Because waking up to yourself is about
letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.
Of course, I had yet to learn that.
Yep.
No. Im up.
Im gonna take on the world.
[water bubbling]
[urinating]
Oh!
*
* Do you want to dance and hold my hand? *
* Tell me baby I'm your lover man *
* Oh baby, do you want to dance? *
* Do you want to dance under the moonlight? *
* Squeeze me baby all through the night *
* Oh baby, do you want to dance? *
* Do you do you do you do you want to dance *
* Do you do you do you do you want to dance? *
* Do you do you do you do you want to dance *
*
Fuck!
* Do you want to dance under the moonlight? *
* Squeeze me baby all through the night *
* Oh baby, do you want to dance? *
* Do you do you do you do you want to dance *
* Do you do you do you do you want to dance? *
* Do you do you do you do you want to dance *
*
[grunts]
Look smart, everyone! She's almost here.
Could I get that deposition, Charles?
Yes, yes.
Could I get a smile too for Sophie's last day?
Terrifying as usual. Thank you.
[sighs]
[all] Surprise!
You do not do that to someone!
Oh! [laughs]
Ill be sad to leave the firm.
Glad to see the back of you lot, of course.
-[laughing] -Yay!
Yes, Olivia, thank you for the surprise.
I can tell you were the one behind it.
[laughs]
[heavy breathing]
And now for another surprise...
Im gonna be a mum. Thats right, I'm having a baby.
[applause]
Thank you.
[squealing]
[snorts]
Yay!
Shoo! Go on. Shoo! Go on!
Fuck off! Go get the mouse that's...
not this one. [cat meows]
That was rather embarrassing, wasn't it?
Excruciating stuff. -Yes.
Thank you. Much better adjective.
It is possible, you know.
Yeah! Sure, yes. I mean...
that was always the plan. Um...
but then you wake up after yet another pointless relationship
and you realize...
the only thing you ever truly wanted, you left up to fate.
Now, it's too late.
No chance with the current?
She's barely 12.
Fortunately, I am completely obsessed with her.
Finally happy.
You don't look very happy.
So...
who's the man then?
No man.
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle and all that.
Yes, but who's like a man?
We are, quite literally, two women.
Top or bottom sort of thing. - Right.
I mean, how does it fit together?
[slapping]
Charles, please. Stop doing that.
- What do you call this piece? - Dot.
Do you know what it represents? - What?
Fuck all!
[laughs] Don't say that.
I literally spent all day, creating a full stop.
But this what being a struggling artist is all about.
Yeah, but when do you stop saying struggling
and just realize that you are not one.
Never.
If I'm all right with it, you can be too, you know.
Alex, that's not who you are.
[sighs] How was your day?
Lovely, thank you.
Um... I did get us a new pet.
Her name's Maureen.
There are ways to address procrastination,
as we discussed.
Are there?
[music plays]
[screams, giggling]
*
- I know... - You do?
I need to get up and face the world.
Actually, um...
I was going to ask you to marry me.
- Have you got a ring? - Yes! No, I dont. It...
More of an in theory situation.
You just proposed to me in theory?
I mean, do you think we should?
Because, then we'd be as close as...
you know, family and we could...
All those lovely tax benefits.
You've not proposed before, have you?
Is it too soon?
It is too soon. Yep. It probably...
Ignore me. I've had a lot of coffee.
And now you're literally taking your proposal back?
Got me divorce papers through, this morning.
John!
Most people just say good morning, John!
As long as she gives me my signed football back,
I'm happy. [Olivia] Oh, I'm sure she will.
So, you're a single man, now? - Yeah!
Gosh! You can party, date and...
[stuttering] ... travel the world.
Grow my hair a bit.
Oh, that's classy.
-Thank you! -[Alex] Goodbye, John!
[John] What you doin?
Are you two doing stuff?
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
* [Been Invited to a Party playing] *
*
[panting]
[Olivia] Look at him. Mr. Family Man.
If we were still kids, I'd go over there
and give him a wedgie.
Those trousers are doing the job for you.
Do you ever think about that?
Your brother's ass?
Daily, yeah.
I wish I had the courage to be different,
to stand alone and accept that I have feelings for men.
I just can't deal with the stigma.
Just 'cause, lately I've been--
Ive just been thinking, I don't know,
what a great mum you'd make.
So that's what it was about.
What? - The anti-proposal.
No. - That's why you had no ring.
Look, were we-- You know, I don't--
We haven't broached that, have we?
The kid thing? Have we covered that?
Uh, yeah. Date two.
You asked me, and I said maybe, but like, not for years.
Okay.
[people chatting]
Well, you didn't shut it down.
Did you? - That was ten months ago.
[Ben] Get ready, people!
[people cheering]
You've seen my bank balance, huh?
I don't know if I'm ready. If I'm ever...
gonna be ready.
Yeah. Yes.
Ah! Ah! Ah! [people laughing]
Are those tears?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Um...
I'm sorry. I know you're not ready.
But Alex, I'm almost 40.
The shop is closing.
I know that's not terribly Gloria Steinem of me
but it's true.
[sighs]
This is a thing, isn't it?
I should have been more honest.
How long have you wanted this?
Only since I was five.
You should have been more honest.
[people chatting]
I just didn't want to lose you.
You have me.
This is it. I'm done.
I want us to be a family.
[cheering]
[party music]
*
I need time...
time to think.
- Sure. Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Cool.
No pressure.
Happy New Year.
* C'mon baby give give give
*
[Alfie] So, you dumped her?
No, Alf. She asked for a baby. Not a kidney.
That would be way less hassle.
- I said I'd think about it. - Who would have it?
You?
You'll never have sex again.
Pregnancy fucks with your vagina, man.
No, she wants to do it.
There's no way I'm shitting out a kid.
- How many of these we've had? - Like...
three... each.
The guy said just have a half.
It'll be mellow. It's always mellow.
[screaming]
[Alfie] What is happening?
It just won't stop.
[Alex] We're all gonna die!
[panting] [screaming]
[police siren fading out]
[indistinct chatter] [music playing]
[John] Hey! You made it.
Of course, we did.
We needed the alcohol.
I'm just glad you didn't feel intimidated.
[Olivia] Happy divorce.
Thank you very much, Olivia. I am heartbroken, you know?
Hang on in there. - [John] Thank you, Alex.
Just BTW, I can see right through that top.
Oh, oh! Mojitos are up!
Come on! Mojitos!...
[indistinct chatter]
[Alex] Babe.
I'm still not talking to you, okay?
I'm sorry.
Those brownies were stronger than expected and to be fair...
that ride cannot be safe for kids.
Alex, this is not the way to behave.
I know. I just got bored of not getting anything done
and wanted to have some fun, I am trying.
Well, just hurry up!
- Hurry up! - Yes!
Girls? Really?
Isn't this sort of MTV in the 90's?
I think those two will fancy you whatever.
Alex, I need you to be the person
that you plan to be sooner.
Why?
Becau--
because you're going to be a mother.
I've started already...
the insemination program.
[Alex sighs]
Surprise. [sighing]
Yay.
How could you do this?
Huh?
You promised me time to think.
I just thought I'd give it a shot and see.
[scoffs] This is our life.
Alex, I couldn't wait.
Not any longer.
This was never about me.
[sighs]
You'll be a great mother--
Stop telling me what I'm fucking great at.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm going to go back to our house
and give us both time to cool off.
I don't wanna see you.
Fine. I'll go to my parents. - Fine.
Fuck!
Ah-ha! Where's Olivia?
Huh! I've been left behind.
You okay?
[sighs] I make so many beginnings,
there will never be an end.
I'm not quite following. - Mm.
Little Women .
You should read it, John.
In the meantime...
do you fancy forgetting who the fuck we are for a bit?
- Oh! Most definitely. - Fantastic!
[birds chirping]
[Sue] Green juice, darling? - No, thanks, Mummy.
Nice to have our princess home. - Just the damn best.
Wish you had an argument with your flatmate every week.
Girlfriend.
Life partner, darling.
Well, we'll be here when it doesn't work out,
won't we, love?
[Sue] Absolutely!
[snoring]
Good morning, Alex.
[gasping]
Do you wanna go again?
Oh, my God.
Oh, thank God! [sobbing]
Oh, Alex, I can't believe I did that without telling you.
I'm so sorry. - I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. - So sorry.
So sorry?
Let's just have a baby. Yah? Let's do whatever you want.
Whatever it takes.
Really?
Let's mess up your VJ, good and proper.
That's a yes.
Yay!
[sobbing]
Thank you! Because, Alex...
this is about you.
I can't do this without you being part of it,
you know?
It'll be easy, right? - Yes!
Having a baby is just like having a mate around
who's always pissed.
They just need propping up now and again, and given fluids.
Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. - Sweet!
[Olivia] So I would ask you to find him
accountable for what he did.
In summation, clause 14 states that--
[burps]
That's not what it states.
Clause 14-- [heaves]
[heaves]
[Judge] Are you able to continue, Miss Miller?
[heaves]
[jury murmuring]
Um...
no, actually.
My colleague will tell you about that clause.
If you will please excuse me, I have to vomit.
There's more out here if you need em babe.
Say a prayer to the god of fertility.
That's not gonna happen. Go!
[lighter clicks]
[chokes]
[footsteps] It's positive!
I'm pregnant! [panting]
Snap. I'm pregnant.
No, I am. I am pregnant.
[chuckling]
What?
I don't understand what happened.
Oh, poor you. You're all confused.
Meanwhile, you have just put my entire life
into a salad spinner of fuck!
I was so drunk.
And you went behind my back and that really hurt.
So, you thought you'd sleep with a man
you nicknamed scrotum pole?
I don't remember anything.
[Olivia] You remembered how to fuck, obviously!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Look how much you're fucking making me swear!
[gasping]
I just don't understand why you keep
messing everything up for yourself.
[gasping]
Oh, what's this? - Bag.
What? - Bag. Paper bag.
[gasping continues]
Yeah just--
We were so good together. - I know.
I know [gasping continues]
You can't be the one to comfort me over you.
[Run playing]
*
Oh, yes!
Olivia, look!
She gave me my ball back.
That's fantastic! I'm so happy for you.
Let's have a look.
Okay.
Can I have my ball back now?
So just go romcom on her arse.
'Scuse me?
The big romantic gesture. Richard Gere, roses,
so she no longer feels like a hooker.
Then I'm literally gonna be a mum to two kids.
Just like that.
You're already having one. - Not without her, I'm not.
Does that make me a shitty person?
It's not a story I'd tell them at their graduation but no...
you're all right.
I don't know what to do.
Can you be without her?
No. - Not a chance?
Not one. - There you go then.
And now...
to celebrate.
I'm gonna have a baby, Alf.
- Yeah, I know. I sympathize.
This'll make you feel better.
Yep.
[door slams shut]
Whoa!
That is so not cool.
I can't sell a single painting.
Not even the one with me tits out.
So, I sold all those cool art supplies
and I got you this.
I can't do this on me own.
And I don't think you can, either.
[birds chirping]
Have you smelled this thing?
It's vintage, isnt it?
[keys jingling]
[door slams shut]
And why exactly do you think I wouldn't be able
to do this on my own?
I have support. Friends, my family, friends.
Which friends? - Friends.
Maureen?
Well what do you bring, Alex?
And you need to get that fucking mouse out of my house.
I'm home all day.
Got a thing for Pixar.
To be honest, I hadn't thought beyond the pram.
I just know that if you were ever able to forgive me,
then I would love to be the mum that you think I can be.
So, I'd like to call today, Lez be having some babies!
No jokes.
Understood. Not a laughing matter.
Alex. - Present.
Yep. We've established that.
My sister has asked me to do this
quite heinous bit of mediation today,
so you can both be sure you're entering
into this agreement-- - Family. Family.
Bit of a stretch but anyway... with clarity and closure.
Yeah, fine. I'll agree to anything.
How romantic. Now here are the hard and fast rules.
Never again shall either of you mention that Alex
slept with someone else.
[Alex] Fine.
You have to meet each other's parents.
Fine.
And you have to tell John about the baby.
No fucking way! - He's the father.
We're talking about the man who thought LGBT was just
a really big sandwich.
You slept with him.
Oh! I think we agreed no more mention of the S word.
Shut up, Ben! - That's mature.
Why would you want him involved? He almost ruined us.
How else are we going to afford two children on one salary?
Well, we don't need childcare. I'll look after them.
No Alex, you're an artist.
You can't give up your dream.
You are my dream.
[Ben scoffs] - Shut up, Ben.
You two are perfect for each other.
I want to do this properly. One has to do the right thing.
You've started talking like the Queen.
Must be serious.
That's her serious face, too.
Or she's having a stroke.
Shut up! - Ben!
Okay, why am I here?
[women chatting]
Hey, John.
- Oh, hey!
I'm so glad you're talking to me again. Listen...
[seductively] Who's the daddy?
You are.
[seductively] Who's the daddy?
Alex?
Who. Is. The. Daddy?
I am the daddy.
Yes, you are. - Excuse me?
She's pregnant. You are going to be a daddy.
And were gonna need shitloads of money.
[chuckles]
Well, I did it.
Yes, you did.
Mm-hmm.
Why can we never do that? [doorbell rings]
[knocking at door]
I thought you meant sexually.
No, she didn't. That was our joke.
You did not mean sexually?
I had sex with that.
And now there's a baby gonna be coming out of that.
Yes, thank you for the biology lecture.
Come in before you throw up on that.
Look, mate... I don't expect anything.
[Olivia clears her throat] - Maybe money.
You work in banking, right?
- No, not anymore.
No. I own and run a site called Mannism.
It's um...
Its a-- Its a-- A place
where alpha males can connect and...
share the message of the ancient Greek word, Arete .
Be the best you can be. - So, money's out then.
[sniffs] Well...
you keep doing that.
Because, I'm perfectly cool raising this baby with Olivia.
- I'm also having a baby. - Bollocks.
Actually, it's certain.
No, not that. Congrats or whatever.
Bollocks to me not playing a part.
I am the father! That little one needs a dad.
Please. Please let me be the dad.
Plus, I live right next door.
I have a complex vocabulary.
You can't drive. I can drive you! If you want.
[Olivia whispering] Get him out of this house, now!
I've heard enough. He knows now. - Yes.
Out you go, John!
- I cannot believe that is the man who--
Turned your girlfriend straight?
Oh, my God! - That's what she said.
Sorry, that was right there.
I am so incredibly sorry for the pain that I have caused you.
If I could go back in time and change what happened,
I would. But...
I'm a great guy.
Let me take you out to lunch, clear the air,
get to know me better.
Yeah? I want to be a part of this.
This is...
kind of all I've got.
Aside from Mannism? - Hail to the Alpha.
[sighs] - Give me a chance?
Go on. Give me a chance.
[Olivia] Aw.
Is it supposed to look like an underwater alien?
Yes. It is quite revolting, isnt it?
So, Alex, that membrane which is protecting the fetus
is known as the amniotic sac.
That's mingin. Stop it. - Yes, please stop.
So, you're pregnant too? - I am.
And you're both together? - We are.
Yes. - And both pregnant with...
some other peoples children?
Well, it's not quite that random.
I was artificially inseminated by a donor.
Oh, yes. Thank you. No need to elaborate.
Very feminist, I'm sure.
Okay, well. Thank you very much.
Are you wearing an underwire bra?
Sorry?
You should stop during pregnancy.
It restricts the growth of milk glands in your--
Breasts. - Hmm.
[clears throat] You need to know these things.
You can't ignore pregnancy.
Sadly.
Um, if my waters break while I'm out and about,
uh, will it look like I've just pissed myself?
It's more of a trickle than a-- Oh, dear God-- Gush.
And um, during labor, is it correct that...
one can crap oneself?
I'll give you some leaflets, okay?
Do you know, I have a painting of my vulva
that would look absolutely gorgeous in here?
No, thank you. Goodbye. Toodle-oo.
- Okay, buh-bye. Bye.
[Olivia] Howd we manage to find the one obstetrician
who's weird about vaginas?
[both laughing hysterically]
[snorts]
Saturday's at 11:00 a.m. Got it. Thank you. Bye.
Hello! - Hello there!
I'm really pleased we got to do this.
I'm pleased we could do this, too.
Yeah.
I appreciated your apology.
Well, I appreciate you saying that.
Great! I am starving. - Sandwiches.
Oh. This is stilton? - Yeah.
I don't think I can have it.
Alex was just going on about this yesterday.
- What, cause of the-- - Yeah.
Oh, so sorry.
That's okay. I can still have the bread.
I'll just take this.
Yes, um...
Alex has become quite the pregnancy major.
That girls hilarious. Never serious.
She can be quite serious, though.
No. I...even when she's serious,
she's a little un-serious.
Well, maybe you don't take what she's saying seriously.
I'm pretty certain shes just being fun and not serious.
Well, she does laugh a lot. -Yeah.
Like a little squeaky mouse.
It's quite a big laugh actually, Id say.
It's big for her, but pretty small, generally.
I'd say if it's big for her, it's big for anyone.
Really? - Yeah.
I think, it's more like...
[high-pitched laugh] It's like little.
Obviously, I've been making her laugh a lot.
But it's nothing like that.
No, I hear it quite a lot like...
[high-pitched laugh]
It's more of a-- It's, uh, lower.
No.
Guttural, sort of... [low-pitched laugh]
That sort of... -No, it's...
[high-pitched laugh]
It's not like that.
[both feign laughter]
[laughter becomes amorous moaning]
No, I'm thinking of something else.
So... how was he then?
Big fella? Nice moves?
Mum, you're kind of missing the point.
Best news Ive heard all year.
That's great to hear.
You shagged a bloke.
Back to yourself again.
What are talking about? Ive never been into blokes.
Oh! What about Turner's son?
I was five. He taught me how to piss in the sea discretely.
It was hardly a grand romance.
It was more of a very useful life tool.
Well... I just think we've turned a corner, that's all.
So... are you getting it dealt with?
No. I'm having it and raising it with Olivia.
Listen. Listen to me.
Now you know I love you, don't you?
And I will support any decision you ever make.
I just think two women raising a child together
is fucking disgusting.
And we're back.
I mean what are you gonna do when it asks where its daddy is?
John is going to be a part of their life.
Oh, so he's still skulking around, is he?
Not like that.
All I'm saying is don't close off all your options.
Sort yourself out, concentrate on your career
and see if you can have a proper baby one day.
[Alex] What am I gonna teach a kid?
I'm gonna be a mum before I've been anything else.
[Olivia] Oh, that's not true.
You were a stoner for a while.
[chuckling]
Ah, see, John was definitely not impersonating your laugh.
Sorry. Are you gonna finish that?
No. Knock yourself out.
I'm only craving rabbit food at the moment.
[mumbling] I hate you.
[Olivia groans]
Lettuce makes me pee myself.
That can scientifically not be true.
Well, something is making me pee myself.
You know...
I actually don't have any sympathy for you.
You're gonna have this baby...
your body will snap back
and then you got the kid box ticked.
Do you have any idea how many thirty-something women
are on horrendous dates right now?
One eye on the clock and one eye on some dull bloke
sitting opposite them thinking,
Oh, crap. He'll have to do.
Or lesbians frantically googling,
Sperm donors with Oxbridge degrees.
Exactly.
[siren wailing in the distance]
Do you know her? - No, but she's pregnant.
So?
That's what you do when you're pregnant,
you wave at each other, like cabbies.
Hmm.
Labor. Yeah.
Even the word makes us feel tense.
This course is gonna equip you with all the tools and
techniques that you need to challenge the contemporary
over-medicalized, fear-based, birthing culture
and to remind your body to let it all go, guys.
Now, no questions till the end. Please remember the rules.
So, some of you are sitting here in like a refrigerator of terror
and some of you will be sitting here, doubting,
whether hypnobirthing works at all. Well...
it-- It does.
It does. Lets start with the introductions, Alex.
This is Alex. - Hi.
And this is Alex's female life partner, Olivia.
Huh!
I'm just so happy and humbled to have you in my group, guys.
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, and this is Mike and Maya, Morgan and Amanda,
and Allison...
and Dave. - and Dave. I know that.
I know that. Right.
Let's talk about pain.
Pain. What is pain?
Its a rhetorical question.
Pain is being judged by the color of your skin,
pain is not being allowed to have a relationship with someone
because they are the wrong gender.
Am I right?
You go, girl. [laughs]
Pain is being fisted by a 300-pound rich white guy
because you haven't got enough money to pay the rent.
What pain is not...
is labor.
Sweet. - Right.
[John] Wait. - Okay.
[Amy] Excuse me. Can I be of some assistance to you?
Don't start without me. - What are you doing here?
I have every right to be here. I'm the father of Alex's baby.
I should be part of the process.
You looked at my planner.
Okay, okay, guys.
You never seen a poly-amorous relationship before?
No. - Yeah. well simmer down.
Welcome, John.
You are welcome, one and all. - Yeah, sorry.
Amy, can I just say that we're not wha--
what you just said we are. - Yes.
But, John is the real father and he's very much welcome.
Thank you Alex. - Is he your sperm donor, too?
Allison, that is enough judgement.
They're lesbians. They don't wanna talk about sperm.
Right-O! Sorry.
I'd like you to take your partners hand,
and put it on the baby's head.
under your breastal balcony.
And if you're further along, it might be down in your minge.
Right. I don't-- What am I supposed to do?
I don't have a partner.
[Amy] Oh, I want a part of this.
I'll be your partner. - Well, she's my partner, so.
[Amy] I'd like to be your partner.
Where are you? You up or down?
I'm up. Yup. - Here. Right.
And if you put your hand on my hand...
Okay.
...feeling that lovely little bonce there.
That feels nice, right? - Yup.
Loving that.
Olivia, wait. - Nice breathing today, Alex.
Yeah. Cheers, John. - You're looking great, too.
Body's really acknowledging the pregnancy. It's beautiful.
Olivia, wait. Look, he's harmless.
Like you said he has the right.
I was wrong. He deserves no rights.
He deserves impotency.
You have my word. This is as close as John will get.
John? Not Skeletor- Mr. String Theory-
Fuck-face-Leaning Tower of Piss?
No? Or The Man Evolution Forgot?
Just John. - Just John? Okay.
Got it. Just so I know, thanks.
[sighs]
Oh, I did have a couple of questions... concerns.
Fine.
Extremely burnt toast.
Can't get enough of the stuff. Healthy?
Perfectly normal to have cravings.
Also--
I have tons of energy. Is that normal?
Perhaps, it's cause you haven't been sober this long
since you were 12.
Hey, hormones.
Oh, sorry.
It's just that your...
spring-has-sprung pregnancy is fucking annoying.
Language.
What?
I don't know,
Amy said something about...
baby feeling the meaning of everything that it hears.
Is that right, Dr. Parks?
Just medical questions, please.
I'm not, uh, singing at crystals or waving my arms
about dancing in a field.
Also, nose bleeds. I've had millions of them.
In court, debating a case, no idea I looked like
the final scene of Carrie.
The increased blood supply puts more pressure
on the vessels, causing them to... easily erupt.
[sighs]
You still don't want to know? - No, no thank you.
I guess we don't get many surprises in life anymore,
so I thought, why find out. - How fascinating.
You ready? - Yes, yes. Lets find out.
You will be having... - Yep.
...a little baby...
boy. [sighs]
Aw. [chuckles]
Baby boy.
I have a penis inside of me.
First time for everything. Hey! Hey!
[laughter]
Okay.
[high pitched] That's something I wanted to feel,
I wanted to feel the...
[indistinct chatter]
[upbeat music]
Hello, Charles.
What's wrong with your face? - Oh!
Ah! Pigmentation thingamajig. - Yes. Yeah.
Same thing happened to my wife when she was pregnant.
Yes. Turns out I've got every possible
pregnancy ailment going.
I'm actually terribly depressed.
My wife picked up some fake tan, smothered it all over her face.
Evened it out.
Actually not a bad idea.
She looked like an entirely different person.
Like I was having a naughty affair.
[sniffs]
I just pissed myself, Charles.
Again.
Ive missed this. Just hanging out with someone.
What? Your wife?
I thought you hated her guts.
Actually, she hated mine.
Oh!
- Sorry. - Yeah.
I guess I just had to make a decision between
being a pioneer and a husband.
Huh?
I'm sure Steve Jobs had the same problem. [sighs]
Or maybe, I wasn't the perfect husband.
And what's the perfect husband?
Uh, not a total dick?
That's better.
Be worthy love and love will come.
Wait.
Are you quoting my favorite book?
Little Women . Yeah, you were absolutely right.
I read it cover to cover and I cried!
Good! And who am I? Joe?
You can be whoever you wanna be.
You are lovely underneath it all.
You're lovely everywhere. - Huh?
How're you feeling, anyway?
The bump gets in the way of everything.
Even shaving my legs.
Uh, I need to pee. But it's a phantom pee.
I go to pee. No pee comes out.
You know, like when you're on drugs.
What about the constipation? - You what?
Have you got nuts bowels? I have.
I hate to break it to you, John, but you're not pregnant.
I have couvade syndrome. Sympathy pains for the partner.
Of course you have, darling. - I do.
[laughs] Yeah, right.
[door slams]
John was just going.
Was he brushing your hair?
It's getting so thick and I just needed someone
to brush it out for me.
Mine's not getting any thicker.
The ones on your chin are. Boom!
[laughs]
I'm sorry. Sorry! I'm constipated.
Fake tan. - Yeah.
Yeah.
For my blotchy and apparently hairy face.
Why? Why? Why the fuck is he here?
Shh!
I'm sorry. Did I swear? Oh, Im sorry.
How awful for you.
Do you know what else is really awful?
[breathes deeply]
Trying to get Mr. Chapman convicted of tax evasion
whilst you repeatedly fart
throughout your closing statement.
Mr. Chapman is roaring with laughter.
What do I do?
Nothing.
Just keep on farting.
All I want is to come home for a snuggle with my girlfriend.
But shes-- - Oh!
Oh! - Oh, God! I'm sorry.
What did I do? - I think it kicked.
[chuckles] Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Can I feel? -Yep.
There? - I can't feel anything.
Wait, wait, wait.
Still can't-- - Just wait.
I missed it kick. - No, shh.
Babe. No, babe. - I can't believe.
I missed the baby kicking. - No. Shush, shush.
I'm sorry, I'm so useless.
Babe, this is gonna have to stop.
The baby kicked. -Aw.
Felt like wind. - Perhaps, it was wind?
It's entirely possible.
[toilet flushes] We're going out.
Do you want me to go? - No, finish your food.
It was nice.
Ah! Bugger me! These boobs, man.
[sighs] They're so big and tender.
[Olivia] We ready? - [Alex] Yep.
What's wrong? - Boobs. They kill.
Aw. Poor darling.
Yeah. - Oh!
[Olivia] Yeah? - [Alex] That's nice.
- [Olivia] Yeah? - [Alex] Mm-hmm.
[Alex] Oh, yeah. Mm.
Oh, thats better. [sighs] Bye, John.
[door opens]
[door shuts]
[Amy] So, you're in your safe space
and you can feel the warm water lapping against your ankles.
Alex, I need to show you something.
[Alex] What? - My-- My penis.
Yeah, I'm set. Thanks. - Wait, wait.
Please, it'll take two minutes.
Your membranes give away.
You're dealing with the-- Hi guys!
[Allison] Hello. Yea. All right? - [Amy] Hi, Olivia.
[chuckles] Yeah, you're a tiny bit late, Allison.
I'm really worried. Be a friend.
[Amy] You can feel yourself moving...
Cmon! I did my 96'er on you.
I don't even remember anything, okay?
All my best moves wasted on a lezza.
[Amy] Throughout history... - All right, two minutes. Cmon.
...give birth. You feel your vagina give way.
You can feel that baby weighing down on your perineum.
And the urge to shit it out is now overwhelming you.
It's orange. - Am I gonna die?
So, we're gonna do some exercises now
to stretch the internal abdominal muscles.
But it's quite absorbing.
I don't really want to be interrupted.
Do you know where your people are?
Oh, yes, yes. Sorry. I'll just check.
[Amy] Leave that there.
[Alex] And how does that feel? Does it feel good?
[John] Oh, its definitely swollen.
[indistinct conversation]
[yelps]
Oh! - Oh, God! No, no, no.
Oh! - Now, it's John's John.
Just look at it, babe. -What?
Can cancer be orange?
Oh!
Is that fake tan?
Oh!
-[Amy] Sorry to interrupt.
I've gotta say, you guys,
I am starting to wonder whether this...
arrangement situation...
life choice thing is altogether healthy.
Amy... so sorry. Please ignore us.
I promise you.
We are all perfectly normal and healthy.
Is it bleeding? Am I bleeding? - You are.
Take that and get out.
[Amy] Please.
Yeah, all of you. Thanks.
Olivia.
Yes?
I'll make this up to you. I promise.
Just don't masturbate in our house again.
That's all I ask. - Yep.
I most definitely probably won't.
*
[Before I Fall To Pieces playing]
*
Surprise! I bought you a yoga teacher.
*
Just for an hour. - Or two.
Maybe.
Cheers, John.
*
[slap]
*
[crunching] [exhaling deeply]
*
[laughing]
*
[Olivia snores]
*
[door opens]
*
[John] Alex!
*
Cheers, John.
*
[Ben] Well, it's jolly nice to meet you.
I love Alex like a sister.
Have you ever been with a man?
[scoffs] Why'd you ask that?
I just thought it might run in the family.
I had a small bet with myself, actually.
Oh, right. I see. Well, I take it one of you lost?
Jury's still out.
It was Alex's idea. Get mad at her.
She wants you to spend more time with her bestie.
She did not call you her bestie.
Isn't pregnancy making her nicer?
Did you call John your bestie?
Huh? I can't hear you. Talk to John.
I do hope, Olivia and he'll get on today.
He's a sweet guy underneath.
Underneath what? His trousers?
Michael, really?
No. Thats cool. It is kinda confusing.
Oh, is it? So, you're confused?
No, I mean, to the outside.
Someone once said that,
sexual orientation goes beyond the act of sex and--
Well, I think that makes sense
for what happened with me and John.
So you're--
You're really straight underneath.
No, I'm gay. I just did something that
wasn't necessarily about my sexuality.
Do you mind if I use that excuse sometime, love?
My friends say I'm like a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
We should go shopping sometime. We'd have a right laugh.
Yes, I'm sure we would have a laugh,
but not 'cause I'm gay. I'm straight.
Oh, yeah. I'm not making any insinuation,
I'm just saying if you did happen to be gay.
And you were short of a diva,
I do know all the moves to Vogue.
I have a wife. And kids.
And a bit of a lisp.
I'm just saying.
So, did we bond?
You're not going to go that angry
puce shade whenever I'm needed?
Aw, says the man with the tango penis.
You've done enough. Thanks.
What do you mean?
Maybe, you need to give Alex some space.
Is that what Alex wants?
Yeah.
I think she's being kind
because she thinks you're lonely.
She said that? - Yeah.
Why am I asking you, I'll ask her. Hey, Al! [grunts]
[splash]
[John yells] [Olivia] Oh, no!
What was that for?
It was an accident.
[grunts] Oh, no.
God, poor chap. He's soaked.
Does that turn you on?
Hello, you two. Where did you come from?
Where's your mommy?
Where's your mum-- What?
Would you like some chocolate?
Now since you're both so sweet...
I'm going to give one to you...
and one to you. There you go! Is that nice?
[kids laughing]
[thud]
Okay. Um, you both stop. Stop it!
Um, do you want to put that-- Put the cucumber back.
[Olivia stammers]
Could you stop that? Do you want--
[kids shouting]
Maybe just-- I don't-- I don't know.
Where's your mum?
Okay, stop that. - [Lily] Sam!
Stop that!
[Lily stammering] [children yelling]
children yelling] [Lily] Pick this up!
What? I know! I'm a terrible mother. You--
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. [children laughing]
I just-- I gave him some chocolate
and then he, um, but then I ran out.
God! He's gonna be up for days. Fuck!
Okay, shes squashing the mush-- stamping on the mushrooms there.
Right. I'll pay for this. Don't worry. So sorry.
My fault. Um, they're lovely.
What're you having?
Hope it's a girl.
'Cause girls never turn psycho and shoot up schools.
And little boys, they pee on your face...
every time you change their nappy.
And we've all demonized any kind of light spanking
so that playing card's off the table.
You know, I thought uhm--
the last month of pregnancy,
when my pelvis was splitting open,
and I was hobbling around on crutches was hell, but um--
Well then I had Sam.
[children giggling] I'm having a boy.
Bugger. - Thank you.
Well, at least you're young.
- I'm 40.
[inhales deeply] I'd say I'm sorry, but, um...
you've actually made me feel less alone.
Thank you. - Welcome.
I used to be pretty like you once.
Great. Okay.
Good luck.
Sam!
C'mon, darling, let's look for your brother. Sam!
[yelling] Sam!
[You and I playing]
*
You into sports? - Yes!
Great! - Chess!
I know why I'm here.
Oh, um, yes. Olivia thought we might get on.
And she wants to stop me trying to steal her girlfriend.
That's it exactly, actually, yeah.
I'm even throwing her a baby shower.
Maybe you should throw yourself a cold shower.
[laughing]
*
How about we ease this situation by getting hammered?
Fuck, yes. [chuckles]
*
[crowd cheering]
*
[screams]
Alex, they need boundaries or they will destroy everything.
It's just a couple of kids babe.
Okay, so don't-- please, sorry.
*
Should we-- should we just agree to disagree about the whole...
Parenting bit? [chuckles]
Got plenty of time.
We'll be fine.
Besides, were not gonna be alone.
We've got John.
*
God, you're sexy. - Yeah.
No wonder you turned a gay woman straight.
*
Wonder if my wife's off being gay somewhere.
Hey! Whats up my man?
She left me.
Age-- ages ago.
No reason. Just that I
dry her entire being up like a prune.
No! They just do it to annoy you.
Ha-ha! We're in our little girly club,
and you can't join because of your stupid penis.
Well, my penis is not stupid.
I used to pound her steak just the way she liked it
'till it was extra thin.
And in return she...
pounded my heart 'till it disappeared.
My penis is not stupid.
*
[kissing]
[panting]
Oh wait. Shit!
[crash]
Oh, God. Sorry, sorry.
Hang on! - Oh wait. Okay.
Okay, okay.
Are you okay? - Yeah.
What happened? Oh, god! - Oh, god!
All right. Let's just-- Let's just leave it, babe.
I need to go for a piss, okay?
Really? - Yeah.
[sighs]
[mellow guitar music]
*
[indistinct chatter] [laughing]
Isn't it a bit late in the day for a shower?
The baby waiters had a month's waiting list.
I know this 'cause the shower planner told me.
I shit you not. The shower planner.
[groans] - Are you about to be sick?
I literally haven't slept for three days,
so I don't know if I'm gonna puke or pass out.
[grunts] - I'd go for the former.
These floors look pretty solid. - Got it!
Well, hello. [chuckles]
Fancy finding you here.
No! No, this isn't--
We're not-- I'm just standing here.
I meant Alex's baby shower.
The girl you love like a sister.
Yes. Yeah, I know. I just--
I'm just making conversation.
Oh, my gosh! You're pregnant, too. Aw.
Oh, my gosh!
How did you guess?
You've got a little bit of sick in your hair.
I know.
I know. I put it in there. - Oh!
'Cause it's good for the natural protein fiber oils.
[Carol] Oh! - Yeah.
John and Alex have such fascinating friends.
[both chuckle] - What did you call them?
John and Alex.
It's not John and Alex. It is John...
and...
Alex.
That's what I said. John and Alex--
No, you didnt.
'Cause you're saying it like they're together,
putting them in a sentence together.
They don't belong in a sentence together.
Sorry.
It's okay. - Sorry, who are you?
Olivia! I'm Olivia. - Ah! Yeah.
Olivia and Alex.
- Al and Ol? - We're just so used to...
John and Alex. [chuckles] - Yeah.
Who are you? - Uh, Luke Hammond.
Oh!
CEO of Mannism. Hail to the Alpha.
[chuckles]
Im gonna need to pop back in for another puke.
Sure. [door hinges creak]
Mother. - There you go.
Right.
Condoms. A massive box of condoms.
Well, I never make the same mistake twice.
I make it five or six times just to be sure...
[laughing]
Moving on.
[John] All right, let's have another family present.
Here's mine.
Thank you, John-O.
Oooh!
[sighs] John.
[John] It's a first edition.
I know that our baby is going to open my eyes to the world,
in as many varied and wonderful ways as you have.
[All] Aw.
My god!
Thanks.
To John and Alex!
[All] To John and Alex.
Thank you from both of us.
It's very kind.
Sorry, John?
What's that?
It's very kind of everyone.
No, before.
What you said before?
Thank you from both of us.
Since when do you speak on Alex's behalf?
Uh, okay, Olivia.
[Olivia] Huh?
Just answer the question. It's a very simple question.
I just wanna know, when I am conversing with my girlfriend,
if I should be addressing you? - [clears throat]
Hello! I'm still here. Remember me?
You enjoying your fetus shaped cookies?
Just calm down, will ya?
Oh, calm down. [laughs]
No, John. No.
You don't tell me to calm down.
Easy.
Shut! The fuck! Up!
[Alex] Babe?
Not now, babe. - If not now, then when? When?
Can I tell this mindless human being to back off?
[John chuckles]
How about when we realize that our child
is being raised on the
misogynistic values of Mannism?
Or, what about when we-- Mm-hmm.
When I have to buy a bigger house
because John wants to move in.
Um, we should let him because he's lonely and divorced.
And after all, he's the real father.
Stop it, Olivia. Hes tryin'.
Am I just supposed to forget
that he's the one you cheated with.
C'mon! She didn't.
What is this? Alex?
You're gay. But then you're straight.
Then you're gay again.
Oh, and apparently pregnant woman of the year!
I'm ti-- I just can't keep up.
I really can't. At some point, you have to choose.
No, I don't.
You are supposed to love all of it.
I'm sorry I don't fit into your tight knit plans.
Those plans were always about you.
All I ever wanted was to give you a proper family.
Yeah. The perfect family, yeah?
Like Ben's?
Ben, who is getting divorced.
What?
Hello. Yes.
I'm the one with a failed marriage.
Glad everyone's been made aware. - Shocker.
Everyone has got their shit, Olivia, right?
Alex, what is it?
I think you should leave, Olivia.
She doesn't have to leave. - Okay, so I misjudged that.
Oh! I think I'm having a contraction.
Okay, it's fine. She's too early.
She's not having a contraction.
Sure its a contraction?
[grunts] It's not gonna be a contraction.
Fuck! - We could of course, be wrong.
Doctor Parks.
Oh hey, doc. We got a lot of snot
coming out of this one's hoo-ha.
I wanted to be a concert pianist.
All right. We'll get the nurse to set you up.
Who's coming? - I am.
Right take that! -Yep, yep. Here we go.
Oh!
Okay, I'll just-- I'll be here.
[nervous laughter]
[Paul] Right then.
Oh!
Baby's very low down in your pelvis.
Which is good.
I'm just gonna have a little listen.
[Paul] I can't find...
Well, let me just get Doctor Parks.
It's all fine. It's going to be fine.
Just let him out there know, okay?
Okay. - All right?
Mm-hmm.
You sure? - Mm-hmm.
[breathes deeply]
[Olivia] John.
What's happening?
We dont know. They've gone to get the doctor.
Why, what's wrong?
Should I speak to someone? - I think...
it was trouble finding the heartbeat
but its already quite far down.
There's contractions, so--
So, you wouldn't be able to find it.
Right. -Okay.
She will be fine.
Yeah.
Um, okay.
[Dr. Parks] Miss Jones? -Hi.
Oh!
I'm so sorry.
There's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry.
What? Wait, wait.
Are you sure? Could you try it again?
No heartbeat was detected. I'm certain.
How are you certain? Maybe, you made a mistake.
Most--
Most commonly, an infection has occurred.
We'll do further tests.
I know this is hard.
But I'm afraid we have to think of Miss Jones' safety.
Now, and the safest step now is to deliver this baby.
Plea-- Please could you--
could you just do it one more time for us?
Just one more time again.
I am so sorry.
She's gone.
She?
Could you give us a minute?
[soft string instrumental music]
*
[Alex] Babe? -[Olivia] Yes, Im here.
I don't want you here. [panting]
I don't want this in anyone's memory.
I just want to get it done.
[grunting]
Are you sure? - Please.
*
[John] Seldom, except in books,
do the dying utter memorable words,
see visions, or depart with beautified countenances...
and those who have sped many parting souls know
that to most the end comes
as naturally and simply as sleep.
As Beth had hoped, the tide went out easily...
and in the dark hour before the dawn...
on the bosom where she had drawn her first breath...
she quietly drew her last.
With no farewell but one loving look...
one little sigh.
[soft violin]
*
Look, I know you're probably gonna wanna talk about it...
about her.
But you see, I can't.
I don't think I'll ever be able to.
So looking forward to being something.
Anything.
[glass bottles rattle]
Is John okay? - Uh...
When he cries...
his entire body crumples up like a little old lady's.
That's funny.
It's not. - No.
I actually saw him this morning.
I can't help waddling...
about, reminding him-- Sorry.
Maybe, it's best if you
keep your distance from him for a bit.
Right. Okay.
We could go to my parents, I suppose.
Or you can go if you want.
[Sue] Darling!
We're going to have such fun. - [Olivia] Oh!
Daddy's birthday party coming up.
I've invited that Biggles Tilsbury.
I've got such a girl crush on her.
You can just say crush, Mummy.
Anyway, shouldn't be here for long.
You can stay here as long as you like.
We really are fine.
I think it's time you started
thinking about this baby other than that girl.
Don't you?
[mellow guitar]
[indistinct chatter]
*
Hello!
Oh, look. John's sporting a man bun,
the final tosser frontier.
He's a handsome devil.
Sorry, darling.
Oh, look! Biggles Tilsbury just got here.
You two would make a lovely couple.
Thanks, Mummy. I still have a girlfriend.
[Alfie chuckling]
Where's Magda and the girls then?
Oh, um, she took the kids on a weekend away.
Isn't that a bit odd,
going on holiday without your husband?
Um...
Not at all, actually. No, um...
Trudy leaves Sting behind all the time.
Does she now?
Bully for her. - Hmm.
This is organic Hereford blackcurrant vodka.
[pops bottles open]
And this is the coolest
old person party I have ever seen.
I better not.
Alex, an international playboy once said,
To drink is to live.
And that international playboy was me!
[laughing]
Yeah, Alex. What you got to lose?
Just one shot.
Hmm! - [indistinct chatter]
[Olivia] Very nice to see you. - Whatto!
Oh! Sorry.
Biggles, how are you? Very long time!
Very long time, yeah.
The last thing I remember was
running around your garden naked.
Oh! [laughs]
So, last week then?
No, no. We were five.
Yes, no, I was joking.
Oh, right. Yeah, I know, 'cause [chuckling]
wouldn't have been last week.
No.
Wouldn't have been naked.
Aren't you a bit old to be having a baby?
Uh, I guess not.
Ah! Well, I do hope it's normal.
Thank you.
Most kind. Ben.
Come over. Biggles, do you remember Ben?
This is my brother.
Ob-vee--
You babysat me through childhood.
Oh!
We went to the same school.
and then university.
Ben? Whose wife's a rampant shagger?
Yep. That Ben.
You used to wet the bed, didn't you?
[laughing] [bouncing]
[Alfie screams] [John screams]
[John and Alfie screaming]
[soft song playing]
*
Hi!
Alex.
Hey.
You weren't just going to leave, were you?
No. I just, I needed a moment away from it all.
You've been drinking.
Yeah! I'm allowed now, remember?
- I know. I--
I wasn't saying...
Did you not get the invite?
- Yeah. I'm...
stood right here. [chuckles]
Well, what part of garden chic do hot pants fit under?
I don't know. Is there a I-don't-give-a-fuck option?
Yeah, okay.
[sighs]
Alex, can we try and get back to normal?
Please?
Maybe, less of the swearing, smoking, boozing?
More of the early nights, yoga?
So, I can be a good mum
to my non-existent child, is that it?
No, so you can be a good mother to mine.
Fo-- For ours.
I need more time.
We don't have any more time, Alex.
Please.
We need you.
I can't be everything you want me to be right now.
I'm so sorry.
This feels like something has broken.
It's just changed. - No.
I shouldn't feel so lost when I'm where I always wanted to be.
[Sue] Olivia!
Should I go?
Olivia?
[sighing]
[soft guitar music]
*
[door opens]
Wow!
She even seen this?
No.
Why is it yellow? She's having a boy.
And what if it was a boy
that wanted to be a girl, Jonathan?
Yeah, all right. All right.
I'm a middle class straight, white guy and I suck, sorry.
To teach is to learn yourself.
It's a noble and inspiring profession.
Good.
And Miss Jones?
What?
Um...
I guess if I'm a teacher
then I won't be some wired artist,
desperate for her next joint.
I'll be normal. Be part of the race.
That sounds quite nice, now.
And yeah, what she said.
[chair sliding]
[doorbell ringing]
Whatto. -Hello, Biggles.
Brought the backgammon.
Bit of competition should help get that baby out.
Oh, yay!
John, what on earth are you doing here?
Hold the door. I have to talk to you.
What's this?
Biggles Tilsbury. How do you do?
That is such a stupid name.
No offence. You should be a dog in a handbag, in like, 2001.
Goodbye, John. - I have to talk to you.
We're busy. - It's Alex.
What's wrong with Alex?
Like my bun?
I don't have time for this, John.
No. Got it, you never have time.
I've lost the love of my life,
I'm 40 and I live with my parents,
I'm about to shit out another human being.
[high pitched whining]
Have you got a point in this conversation?
Or in life?
Boo-fucking-hoo!
You know what you may not know, Olivia?
I was born with scoliosis.
[clicks tongue] I had a back brace
right through school to straighten things out.
Okay. - I know.
You're thinking, But how he's so tall and Greek-God like?
Well, that was not the case back then.
I was twisted like a pretzel.
The other boys used to hang me
by my brace from the football goal net
and then kick balls at my head.
Oh! - Right at my head.
-Gosh! Yup.
And these were Scottish boys, you know, not your...
your Harry Potter, posh, wee, skinny things.
These are real proper men,
kicking balls, right at my head.
And then, they'd leave me there.
All night, sometimes. I just-- I'd swing about a bit.
Come crashing down. Mess up my back some more.
Sounds painful. - Oh, yep.
Oh, yeah. [sniffs]
Then now... I'm the one causing the pain.
Breaking the ladies hearts, left, right, center,
So...
I can get anyone I want.
You know who I couldnt get?
Okay, well...
Technically, you did get Alex,
so I don't know if this little story is really working.
No, all I got Alex was blind drunk.
I've loved her since I first saw her.
Since she shouted at me for directing
the Jehovahs witnesses to your door.
To me, she was it.
And it...
loves only you.
Alex is...
100% bona fide carpet muncher...
and your carpet...
is the only one...
she wants to munch.
That was very sweet for about a second.
You know, she redecorated the spare room...
for the baby.
I didnt know that.
[sighs]
I was just so scared.
I know you were. I was too.
I really wanted to be a dad.
Could you settle for uncle?
C'mon. - John, wait.
Wait, John. John, John, John, John, John. I'm not just--
John, please. I can feel your beard.
Darling, where are you going?
- I'm going home.
You trying to run? - Yup.
[Olivia] That is the general idea.
Why?
It just feels like a... running kind of moment.
She's gonna go get the love of her, and my life.
[Sue] Really? - Sounds complicated.
That tummy rather kills romance doesn't it, darling?
Ah! Yes.
It does. It does.
Thank you, Mummy.
Cup of tea before you go?
I mean, we probably have time.
John!
[door shuts]
[panting]
It is a toe ring but I'm gonna get you a proper ring.
Alex...
I want to marry you.
Because I do love it all.
If you're a stoner, or an artist or...
a bloody astronaut. I don't care. You're you.
You're so kind, and so great and just...just...
You're just a great person, Alex and obviously,
by the way, you're so much better than an astronaut.
And-- But actually,
you're better than anyone I can think of,
so I'm going to stop waffling and beg you.
Alex...
please be with me forever.
You're better than an astronaut? -[chuckles]
I'm still not that great at proposing or...
to be fair, that great at any of it.
I don't think either of us are.
What? - I think Ive just burst.
[sighs]
[screams] John! - He's in the car.
Course, he is.
Go slow, go slow, go slow. - Breathe.
[uplifting music]
I'll just be here.
You don't have to come.
I know.
Right, Miss Miller,
let's prove geriatrics can still have kids, okay?
[laughs] That's my joke. [heavy breathing]
Right. I do not want to be down here
for too long so c'mon now, push!
[Olivia yelling]
[baby crying]
[indistinct chatter]
Cake, you two? Can I interest you?
We've already had a ton of cake.
[Olivia] Right. This one is without the hash.
[giggles]
Cake?
No, thank you. - Beats the office, eh, Charles?
Too bloody hot in here. - Or not.
Ben, will you please have some of our mother's cake?
I actually think masculinity is overrated, personally.
Thank you. - Thank you.
Sorry to interupt.
Hello, my sweet boy.
Upsy-daisy.
[Olivia] Some days, I'm a good mother.
Some days, I'm a bit of a crap one.
[Bitch by Meredith Brooks playing]
* I hate the world today
* You're so good to me
* I know but I can't change
* Tried to tell you
* But you look at me like maybe *
* I'm an angel underneath
[John] How was your first Christmas, eh?
[Olivia] Alex and I never did get married.
*
After everything that had happened,
it didn't seem important.
It's no longer about all those labels.
It's simply about you, me and him.
* a little bit of everything *
* All rolled into one *
* I'm a bitch, I'm a lover *
* I'm a child, I'm a mother *
* I'm a sinner, I'm a saint *
* I do not feel ashamed *
* I'm your hell, I'm your dream *
* I'm nothing in between *
* You know you wouldn't want it any other way *
* So take me as I am *
* This may mean *
* You'll have to be a stronger man *
* Rest assured that when I *
* Start to make you nervous *
* And I'm going to extremes *
* Tomorrow I will change *
* And today won't mean a thing *
* I'm a bitch, I'm a lover *
* I'm a child, I'm a mother *
* I'm a sinner, I'm a saint *
* I do not feel ashamed *
* I'm your hell, I'm your dream *
* I'm nothing in between *
* You know you wouldn't want it any other way *
* [guitar solo]
*
* Just when you think, you got me figured out *
* The season's already changing *
* I think it's cool, you do what you do *
* And don't try to save me *
* I'm a bitch, I'm a lover *
* I'm a child, I'm a mother *
* I'm a sinner, I'm a saint *
* I do not feel ashamed *
* I'm your hell, I'm your dream *
* I'm nothing in between *
* You know you wouldn't want it any other way *
* I'm a bitch, I'm a tease *
* I'm a goddess on my knees *
* When you hurt, when you suffer *
* I'm your angel undercover *
* I've been numb, I'm revived *
* Can't say I'm not alive *
* You know I wouldn't want it any other way *
* Oooh ooh, Oooh ooh, Oooh Oooh ooh, Oooh ooh, Oooh *
* Oooh ooh, Oooh ooh, Oooh
Oooh ooh, Oooh ooh, Oooh *
* Oooh ooh, Oooh ooh, Oooh
*
Your mammalian roots...
okay? Just have some respect for those.
Has anyone ever seen an elephant give birth?
No? Oh, you have to see that, that's amazing.
Has anyone seen a chimpanzee give birth?
No? Has anyone seen like, a family pet?
Or... - Yeah.
Uh, gerbil.
John? Seriously, John?
This is part of the problem. We are so disconnected
from our natural history.
That we believe that birth is not for us
but you know everybody,
everybody eats, everybody shits...
[laughing]
What was that for? - It was an accident.
[screams] - Oh, no!
Oh, no. The baby. The baby. The baby.
The baby! The baby!
[screams] No! No!
Bit of a handful, I'd imagine.
Would you consider divorce or...
[clears throat] Um...
Yeah, probably don't wanna talk about it...
like here... with you...
One of those open relationships, is it?
[sighing]
So nice to catch up.
It really is. What a-- What a treat.
To see you and it-- Just you...
Um, just--
I think I've got a ladybug in my ear.
[laughs] Thats it. Um. Um, yeah, yeah.
[woman] Cut! - Sorry.
I actively hope that baby's not mine.
I will punch you right in the baby.
You make me sick.
[laughs] Please say cut! [laughter]
[muffled scream]
[Alex] Look, babe!
[exhaling heavily]
[Alex] Look!
[exhaling heavily]
[hysterically laughing]
I'm sorry to interrupt.
What's happening?
I want a part of this.
This looks like fun.